I never murdered him...

by Broken Masquerade

This is just me venting.. i'm not going to edit it or anything.. just going to continue to write cause i need to get some stuff off my chest...

this whole events pretty much killed me so this is my way of coping.. sorry if it sucks.. and i know its long.. but i'd really appreciate if you read it..

The world around me stares.
their hateful eyes pierce through every part of me.

i'm a murderer now.

all they want is my death.
even though all i ever did was care for him.

i'm a murderer now.

yes, i made some mistakes.
yes, i broke up with him.
and i'm sorry i broke his heart.
but he was destroying every part of me..
i couldnt be with someone like that...
i couldnt take the chance of having kids with someone like that.
but i always did love him.

i'm a murderer now.

yes, i got with his ex bestfriend.
after a few months of being apart.
yes i know it destroyed him..
and i will never ever forgive myself..
ever..
but he was off cheating while we were together..
that doesn't matter though does it..
it doesnt matter how destroyed i was...

i'm a murderer now.

you dont even know if its suicide..
but thats what you all want to believe.
i know thats what i believe too..
but not for the same reasons that you all have
you just need someone to blame.
and i'm in the perfect position aren't i.

i'm a murderer now.

don't worry about all the good i did for him.
every moment i wiped his tears..
every time i'd help him through the crap.
that you all abandoned him with..
every time i was there for him..
even though he put me through hell.
i still cared for him.
i still was there.

but i'm still a murderer now.

you'll all never understand what we had.
something so special,
our times together were amazing.
laying on the beach, singing to eachother.
spending entire nights just laying and talking.
the flawless times were endless.
every moment free, i spent with him.
and i know he still appreciates that..
wherever he is..

i'm not sure if i'm really a murderer...

you ban me from the funeral.. the memorial.. the lot..
you try to punish me more than i'm already punishing myself..
you all dont know the tears i cry every single night..
the screams that consume my home.
the pain that consumes me every second of the day..
the deep scars of regret i make..
i've lost the biggest part of me..
i've lost him forever...

i can't be murderer.. i love him too much...

i'd do anything to change things..
to change some stuff i said..
to fix what happened between us..
but i would never change the love we had.
and thats all that really matters..

because i'm not a murderer..

and he knows that...
i wasn't there.
i didn't lay him infront of that car..
i didn't tell him to go die...
all i ever did was care..
and sure i made some mistakes...
but so does everyone..

it doesnt make me a murderer.

and i dont care how much every person on this planet tells me i am.
because him and i both know the truth.

i never murdered him.

i only ever loved him.