Barely A Poem

by Tara Kay

I was barely alive...
kept checking that
my limbs were intact for
I was certain my mind
had failed me...

Every thought was brought
back to death,
along the road I trod,
the car bonnets looked
all the more inviting,
and the knives on the shelves
were drawing me in...

I felt my legs shaking,
and the world around me was
more a spinning top than still...
I tried to fight this self-destructive
way of life,
I tried to block the voices out but
they just kept
coming with their dulcet tones.

My mouth felt dry and my
hands tingled, my heart raced
like a motor car in full speed,
I let out a scream, and
then everything stopped,
and I lay aching
upon a white sheet in AAU,
taped up to wires and dosed
with medication...

I remember it all...
I remember the feelings...
but I cannot remember who I am.
and my poetry feels worthless,
like not the same as before,
almost blackened with emotion...
lacking my charm.

I am barely alive.

© Tara-Kay Randall 21st Feb 2012

*Oh yes, I know this is below par, completely, but I needed to write*

 

Submission date : 2012-02-21

Visits : 171
Votes : 3
Rating : 5.0

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Latest comments

Yakori Mohammed ( F P C D ) at 2012-02-21

This is too personal for me to analyse. I'll just comment to what i think this is to you. I see a tangled you in a web of misery. Desperation and despair is all that surrounds you. I don't want to believe you're going through these horrid feelings. I believe it's a trial and you'll come to surpass this pangs of isolation and feeling of dreadful silence. Hold on dear, we're all there for you through thick and think. Be strong and you can do it, have faith and belief in God. Blessings to you dear, with love, hugs. Cheers! :).

Lioness ( F P C D ) at 2012-02-21

I was barely alive...
kept checking that
my limbs were intact for
I was certain my mind
had failed me...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wow, this stanza is such an amazing opening. The fact that you weren't in your normal state of mind and the fact that you felt you had to check that your limbs were still there, just shows how deep your pain really is.

Every thought was brought
back to death,
along the road I trod,
the car bonnets looked
all the more inviting,
and the knives on the shelves
were drawing me in...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
To me this is heartbreaking too. The fact that you were thinking about death, it was not death in general but more so on ways to die. The idea of killing yourself. How inviting that is. Oh this is breaking me.

I felt my legs shaking,
and the world around me was
more a spinning top than still...
I tried to fight this self-destructive
way of life,
I tried to block the voices out but
they just kept
coming with their dulcet tones.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is something that I can relate to so much. The voices in my head. To me that's part of my OCD. Always constantly thinking about things. Never a peaceful time in my mind where I can think about lovely things or not think at all. It's always a struggle.

My mouth felt dry and my
hands tingled, my heart raced
like a motor car in full speed,
I let out a scream, and
then everything stopped,
and I lay aching
upon a white sheet in AAU,
taped up to wires and dosed
with medication...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The beginning of the poem was telling me how you were feeling and everything you had written was leading up to this one moment, the breakdown. Everyone has a breaking point and I think that you must have reached yours. I can't imagine what this part is like though. The pain is so vivid and so real.

I remember it all...
I remember the feelings...
but I cannot remember who I am.
and my poetry feels worthless,
like not the same as before,
almost blackened with emotion...
lacking my charm.

I am barely alive.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I love how you started the poem with "I was barely alive" as if it was the story before the breakdown and then "I am barely alive" as if it is in real time. Afterwards.

Believe me hun your poetry is not worthless. I think that what you're feeling is the numbness that can occur after something like this.

I have to say this poem has really hit me in so many ways. I think this poem is so true with such honesty. You have really opened up yourself to the readers. Shown us your vulnerability.

This is so raw!!!

I love this hun

Though I am sorry about your pain and what you have gone through...

x

[ Praised by Tara Kay | Approved by silvershoes ]

Lebanese Phoenix ( F C D ) at 2012-02-21

You're kidding me?
this is the best you've ever written!