I Will Never Cry For You

by Kakera   Dec 27, 2014


2014-12-27 05:36 AM

We always betrayed ourselves,
expressing reckless dedication
from the first "I love you",
to the final nights,
in which we collapsed
over the finish line

We wore masks of mirrors
so that our faces could take
the forced shape that reflects
whatever our misguided;
stupid; pitiful, and insecure minds
thought was "what she wanted, right?"

Constantly dancing cloaked in lies
in the shadows of each other's smile,
drinking, and bawling, and driving
past the final forever dying,
pretending that we had enough time left
to find whatever it'd take for us to be fine

But we weren't fine.

It's been four years,
and I'm not fine.

It kills me to not understand why
I have to endure ringing ears
and tired bloodshot eyes,
that sleep comes but rest eludes me,
and why you still haunt my dreams,
over and over, saying "we are fine"

Piercing through my breaking skin
with those eerily icy blue eyes,
inciting riots in my heart beat
with guilt and regret raging
for not taking off my mask
even at our last "goodbye"

I've forgotten what joy feels like,
completely entangled in spirals
that beckons total annihilation
of whatever's left behind,
inviting an urge to recreate
the shackles of our shared bond

Losing all sense of self, bit by bit,
and as the beautiful memories slowly die
I know that I can't cry for you,
and your deceptively bright smile,
to rescue me from living far too many lives
in the masquerade of mirror faces

I can't cry for you

You broke free from the shackles
of a constant state of dancing lies,
and you are finally living
in a world engulfed in light

So I know which face suits my role;
which life goes well with these obnoxious
and misguided scenes of martyrdom

Because I'm still not even remotely fine,

So I will never cry for you
again.

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Latest Comments

  • 9 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Wow, what a deep and powerful poem.

    I felt myself inside this poem actually, I could relate to so much of it right now. Especially when you repeat the fact the pretending everything is okay, is not actually okay anymore, it doesn't work the same as perhaps it used to.

    I like the mention of the mirror faces, again it shows the pretence that has been on show. It is funny how the heart always knows the truth though, no matter what the mirror/faces have on them.

    Your wording captures me, You add so much detail to the emotion with one word!
    The line that hit me was when you mentioned losing yourself bit by bit, I think this is something we can all relate to, and all get scared of, and I think it especially hurts more when we lose ourselves through losing someone/something else that once was a huge part of us.

    I think this poem also highlights the bravery of never letting yourself cry for this person/the loss. It is like your last bit of control over this situation, last bit of yourself that you refuse to let go of.

    I also think we kid ourselves sometimes, and try to convince ourselves that we don't need or want to cry over this person, because admitting any feelings towards them feels too painful.

    This idea of being shackled inside this love, and then the aftermath, which doesn't lead to freedom either, is very sad. Your poem has very sharp imagery as well as emotions that run deep.

    I really like this one from you!

    • 9 years ago

      by Kakera

      Totally spot on there! Too add to it, I think that the ending is overwhelmed with the irony of being so stuck that you start thinking that finally letting go is a sacrifice, even though you're aware of how meaningless and self-obsessed that is, because the bond is so one-sided that it has absolutely no effect on the other person whatsoever, and never will have.

      It's conflicting, I think. A war of the self between the reasonable and constructive start of a future, and the narcissistic delusions that cling to the past, hoping that the latter could recreate the entire thing for the future despite the fact that you're perfectly aware of how ironic it is to allow such a conflict when it means that the creation of a future is stopped by it . And yet, you can't stop.

      If you're lucky you'll find the resolve to break the circle cleanly, because the other way of letting go is emotional suicide. Or it is reinforced through putting on another mask, hiding the truth from others as well as yourself, thinking that if you pretend, it will be so in the future.

      (Note: ^ not my intended meaning as the writer, but my thoughts on it as a reader.)

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