Bruised

by Kate   Feb 3, 2015


He doesn't care when you tell him he's unfair

Living in fear and trying to hide

I thought I was enough to him, but day by day I learned to sin

Living in fear and holding my breath

Breaking away from the hold he had wasn't enough to bring me back

Fear is here and I might die

I won't fight him anymore but that doesn't mean I have won the war

Here is fear and I can't breath

His given name holds too much power, it wasn't me who chose my Father

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  • 9 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    Minor correction:
    "Here is fear and I can't breath"
    *breathe

    "Breaking away from the hold he had wasn't enough to bring me back"
    *he had. It wasn't

    I think this poem would be a lot more easy to follow (but life isn't easy, so why should a poem based on that life) if you had some punctuation to guide the readers into pauses and patterns. You used two comma's the entire poem, and that's it. I thought the concept was very well-conceived... and there are two lines I enjoyed very much.

    "I won't fight him anymore but that doesn't mean I have won the war"

    and

    "... it wasn't me who chose my Father."

    I think in order to capitalize on how striking that last line is, you should separate it. It would also work well with the "His given name holds too much power" because the mouthing movements for the word father and power are very similar. It would appear as such:

    "
    His given name holds too much power.
    It wasn't me who chose my Father."

    I would love to see more work from you in the future!

    4/5
    V/r
    IdTakeABulletForYou
    (Stephen)

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