Premonition Tears

Very hard hitting but well written

^ Completely agree that this is a heavy write and there is so much depth and sincerity in your words... I do have some suggestions though if you don't mind me going line by line to strengthen this poem. Simply my opinion though.

"Thoughts torment the mind,
it even does one final parting curse
as it plays a vivid nightmare
where she falls down crying."

- The opening line is blunt, honest and haunting as I am sure we can all relate to thoughts that torment us, as we try to overcome or fight them.

- I don't think you need the line... or at least the "it even does", as that seems like a filler and doesn't add enough impact in the poem.

"It's a normal Friday morning
where she can't wait till she's back
sleeping tucked away in her castle
of fable wood and stones."

- The wording seems awkward here. I would even omit the "It's a normal" and just write "Friday morning" or you could even add how this girl is going about her routine. Give more specifics perhaps. I like the idea of "fable wood and stones", that gives a mystic feel to it. You might need a comma after "sleeping" though...

"Where she is secretly waiting for her
soldier to come back to her loving
heart, though she'll never tell him that."

- Good flow here, simple yet heartfelt. I can feel that secret yearning and honest love.

"Changing into the horrid daily uniform
she's pulled into a living clip
Gasping she desperately hopes it
never comes true."

- This to me, does nothing for the piece. I don't feel like the part about the uniform is necessary, and I don't understand what "pulled into a living clip" means exactly. This stanza is too vague in my view. What are you referring to in the last lines of "it never comes true"?

"A serious looking man dressed in military
garments walked to her."

- Watch your tense. You start off this poem in present then go to past. Stick with one to create less confusion. Also, maybe write something other than "a serious looking" to describe the man. To me, it does the opposite of what you're trying to convey. I don't see the image, only the words. Also, you could take out "dressed" and just write a .... man, in military garments.

"His body language gave her pause
as deep inside she already knew
what he was going to say."

- I feel like you are describing here instead of showing. There seems to be too many fillers, too much that isn't needed to give this poem emotion.
Maybe try something like:

"His body stiffens, she can read
the truth in his pained eyes."

Just an idea though.

""Ma'am I'm so sorry for your loss
he died in the battlefield as a warrior.
He only had you in his mind and heart."
Sobbing as the shock eroded and the
cold facts slinked down."

- Place a comma after "loss". I like how you include dialogue in this write as it adds that personal connection. The fact that this soldier even mentions the girl and the love that seems to be known is beautiful. I almost don't think you need the last two lines. Let this man's words speak for themselves, or show the actions of the girl, she falls to the ground, clutches the air, etc.

"Back to reality she came aware,
like a bad dream she pushed it away.
Though that seemed harsh it kept
her sanity safe."

- I like the idea of this stanza, but it seems too packed. Show that she is trying to live again with reality, in her own mind. Maybe:

"She pushes his memories away,
claiming it's just a bad dream,
keeping her sanity safe."

""Please come back alive",
she whispered softly.
"He can't be dead we had plans,
but now it will be..." "

- I actually think it is quite emotional (and works) to have the ellipses at the end and not finish that thought; it makes the pain that much more clear as this girl is still hoping, praying, yearning for his return. I would suggest taking out the "He can't be dead" as it seems to be the unspoken plea and I don't feel like you need it. You could just say, "we had such.... plans."

Interesting title, too. I think this poem could impact a bit more by simply working line by line, or stanza by stanza, to show instead of telling all the emotion, memories, etc.

Take care.