It was a home
DERRICK MERDY·MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2015
I realized that the comfort and orderliness of her small household were designed to swallow me up. Now I wanted to smash it.
I was often agitated, filled with resentments and undefined regrets. They would melt away every time she satisfied me. Yet after each time, I felt even more strongly the friction of an unnamed desire. She would writhe beneath me, and use her fingernails to tease my body. Had she done the same with other men? Had others received the same satisfaction on top of her? Thinking these things, I would suddenly feel a greater stimulation, as the behavior of love turned into the brutality of retaliation.
My love for her was a mixture of attraction and repulsion. I wanted to comfort her and torment her, to love and hate her. Contradictions were coiled together, as hard to separate as they were to understand. My love was like a two headed snake eating at my heart.
