Loving Her

by Mara Jade   Nov 12, 2016


Meeting new people tends to be a terrifying thing. Summer was slowly approaching and the Arizona heat was crawling up into the late Spring months. Facebook was the only way these love-at-first-sight kids could communicate, but to them, that was all they'd need. The last few weeks of the school year were filled with long days of testing just to be followed by longer nights of messaging until the crack of dawn.
Meeting her, a real person with a beating heart, lungs and a brain all in replace of the screen of instant messages. She was real, she was sitting across the room and she was everything that could be imagined and more. Seeing her gave the similar feeling of being a jogger with intensive asthma, or a who-can-hold-their-breath-the-longest contest between young children.
Everything inside struggling to bring the words down to my mouth. 'Very glad to meet you,' 'How is your day,' You're beautiful,'. But of course, hours passed and all that was muttered up was simple hello's until we were back into the comfort of hiding behind phone screens.
However, it was like nothing had changed and our hours and days passed by with the nonstop feeling of requirement to respond. Conversations about meeting, or about our days. We could easily last hours at a time just questioning what each other was up to only because to us, nothing mattered as long as the other was still around.
It's all so typical, she changed my life by taking me 'as hers' despite the hours worth of distance between our housing. Summer finally finished creeping up, and school fell to an end. All the kids running freely in their neighborhoods, planning 'hangouts' with their friends while we were stuck on repetitive Skype calls. We were lucky to be given the chance to see each other in person, but that only made our longing worse.
Fights began, and she lost her colour, the emotion that once filled her up. No longer excited for calls, or meetups and barely cared for the news I'd be joining her school. Becoming distant as summer came to its end, she kept up with a sense of fakeness. She no longer felt real.
Imagine a heartbreak, causing emptiness of breath within your lungs, and an abundance of tears blurring your eyesight, and your mind convinced the entirety of the past six months went to waste.
Becoming unstable in the sense of depression, I began to lose my friends. Without her, my life just didn't seem right and my eyes were opened to all the hate I had once ignored. I wasn't 'good-enough' to anybody, not even myself. Like most women, my weight became a large sore in my eyes. One hundred and eighty six reasons to feel like a failure. Nothing seemed to work and everything grew worse, so I decided to cutback on my meal portions, but each week that went by the less and less I ate and the more I slept.
That's when she returned. She apologized for everything she had caused. The sudden emptiness, the loss of colour, even for leaving. We became a team again, we were once again whole. It hurt to hear all the others talk about her and the time she spent away from me. She had grown emotions for another girl, specifically one I was once afraid she'd leave me for within the first six months but It obviously didn't work out between the two of them.
She loved me, and her colours shone bright enough to let the entirety of the public school know that. She regained her realness, her loudly beating heart, heavy lungs and brain oh-so-full of all new things. Our days grew back into old habits like vines across a brick wall, with all our time spent together, or instant messaging until the sun rose.
The date of ours that I remember the most, was the night before Halloween. We spent the entire night together at the Arizona State Fair. Eating a large tub of buttered popcorn, winning stuffed animals and even riding the Ferris wheel. It was the perfect night, and it stretched beyond my 'school night' curfew of nine, and instead ended at one.
The perfect night can be ruined by the worst day, and just like all the positive habits given to us to repeat, the bad ones came too. Fights broke out again, and I regained an awareness to the bad surrounding me. Once again, she left. However, this time much more suddenly. After a day of fun and love, the next was colourless and dim.
Imagine a burning heartbreak, confusion filling your mind, the churning of your unsettled stomach and the loss of hope that things could never be as perfect as when it all started.
Depression settled back into my arms, like an old lover was reunited with me, only, I didn't love it back. Still, at a loss of friends from the former times, I struggled to remain stable, and every part of me ached to no longer be piece of the population. My sadness became a dark cloak of people anonymously sending me messages telling me awful things, reminding me of the times I experienced in Junior High. I never felt the desire to commit suicide, but on the days I'd walk home, my mind wouldn't forget to think about how nice it could be for a car to derail itself from the road and involve me in the path of it's accident.
That's when she returned again, telling me that the love from another could never equal to the love I gave her, or the one we shared. She was everything to me, she healed all the wounds I gained from the depression's destruction of my inner self, and helped shade away the hatefulness of all the others.
She was never real, not the way she was the first time. She continued to come and go, tricking my love-struck mind to believe in every word she'd say. She became a drug to me, one that I couldn't properly function without. With every time she left, I'd find a new list of self-hatred to let my depression hide me under.
Imagine one final heartbreak, a loss of all senses. Pounding of your heartbeat filling your ears, snot running down your nose in a disgusting manner and your body aching for a love that wouldn't destroy it. Losing her gave off the same feeling of loving her, and I should have allowed myself to see that.

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Latest Comments

  • 7 years ago

    by Em

    Though this is long, it kept me rather interested throughout.

    Em

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