by Ben Pickard
Submission date : 2017-01-05
Last edit : 2017-01-05
Larry Chamberlin ( F P C D )
Horrible to live with such memories; I'm hoping this was inspired by someone else's loss, but if it is personal you have more than my heartfelt sympathy.
To excise this pain is brave and cannot be demeaned with mere analysis, yet tribute must be given to such a work. Your straightforward rhyme scheme does service to the material by not presenting a distraction. Likewise the quartet structure gives the reader a simple flow and carries him through.
You presage tragedy from the start and do not try to be coy. The actual horror, left to the end, comes not as a shock but as a banshee's cry for her child.
The ending, in my opinion, should be kept as you have it, in two lines, but by eliminating the line spaces it would come across as a final epistle - more powerful I think.
Deserves the front page.
[ Praised by Ben Pickard | Approved by silvershoes ]
Brenda ( F P C D )
Ben, I am gutted by this write- I am really hoping this was not inspired by your own loss. If so, you have my profound sympathy. So very sad-hugs-
Ben Pickard ( F P C D )
Thank you all for these comments. I have been away a few days and have just seen them so I should point out that this poem is not literal.
I had a dreadful nightmare last week about this exact scenario and couldn't help but scribble it down, despite how dark it is.
Meena Krish ( F P C D )
The build up of sadness in this poem slaps the reader's face with such a heart breaking sting towards the end...
To think this is about a lost love that you could not save or a dear friend which you shared this place once is now buried within it is nothing well it is hurtful but nothing more achingly painful then the loss of a child.
The ripples taunt as I gaze out
And seem to freeze my feet with glee -
^^I can visualize this so well seeing this loved place you run towards it with happiness for all that good memories are kept there but then you freeze and the
expression in your heart and face change...
But there! the screams and there! the shouts
That still compound my misery.
^^Here the hellish pain opens up. The once used to be a happy place is now the most painful spot.
I only turned a little while!
^^This happens with all parents at all times. Just for a
little while their eyes avert and whatever possibly can go wrong goes wrong. Its that little while which will be killing us as long as we live!
Within this poetry there is a scream of anguish and pain yet its felt terribly because the writing is composed with a steady beat..if that made sense.
[ Praised by Ben Pickard | Approved by hiraeth ]
Ben Pickard ( F P C D )
Perfect sense, Meena and many thanks for the thorough comment.