Luna Blue ( F C D )
at 2009-08-02
When it comes to the emotions of this poem, I think you've done a great job on it. Because it iy truly what you feel inside.
When it comes to looking at this poem, regarding flow and wording, I think you could've done a better job.
I see that you make every second and fourth line rhyme. If you're strict to that pattern, then I'd like to put your second stanza forward:
"Lately, on the inside, I feel like a stack of books
That are about to fall
Or a car tire that has gone flat
And I feel like a rag doll"
^ "fall" and "doll" don't rhyme. And the sudden "rag doll" confused me. Because, first of all you were talking about yourself as a stack of books. Then you talk about being a car tire, that was okay, because you've used the word "or".
But the suddenly comes "And I feel like a rag doll". It has nothing much t do with the above. Maybe you could go on about the car tire? Just my opinion though.
I think at some parts, you try too hard to rhyme. The words you pull up that are supposed to rhyme, don't fit at all with the sentences:
"People say your emo when you cut
But that is not true at all
Because to me people who cut
Just need a little help to get back on the ball"
^ "all" and "ball" do rhyme, but if you think deeply about it. How does the word "ball" connect to the rest of this stanza?
^ When it comes to the meaning of this stanza, I totally agree with you. People are too used to labels nowadays. "When you cut you're an emo", "when you wear black clothes you're a Gothic". And those labels just make the situation of the cultures worse.
To be honest, there are some parts you should change a little bit. To make it easier to read. Try to have the same length a line, and try not to repeat words too many times.
But I'm not going into the details of some little flaws, because it surely was a deep write to you. (I don't hope I sound mean when I put some things forward)
I'm actually not a big fan of cutting poems. Cutting doesn't solve anything, even though some cutters feel better after doing so.
But you haven't overdone it, so it wasn't that bad to read at all.
Still I am only able to give you a 4/5.
Keep writing,
and take care,
Luna
Hollow Emotion ( F P C D )
at 2009-08-02
This poem does a really good job on expressing how you really feel. Sorry you feel like that! I cant easily relate to some, not all, but some of it. Keep writing, it really does help, and clearly, you have a talent for it!!!
Paul Hirst ( F P C )
at 2009-08-06
Hiya mate, I have to exercise my right, and disagree with Lunas comments, up to a point, flow and stanzas and all that stuff? forget it, we cannot put our emotions into neat little ryming lines, so how it comes out on paper,well its how the blood flows, who knows? Just write what you feel when you feel like cutting, You know how I feel about self harm? Corina, just try another method, write down your feelings on paper too, and then burn them[safely]and imagine your hurt going up to the clouds in the smoke, keep writing kido and keep on in there, x P
Mads Avnboeg ( P )
at 2009-09-26
It’s good really good, hard to open up and let it go, of the pain inside. A way to open a door to your inner self and sharing, it takes cuts, and have a therapeutic effect. I initially gave it a four, but came back and read it again, and would have given it a five, but due to my first vote, it was impossible.
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