Is it worth being a nice guy?

There's this girl who I have really strong feelings for and they have developed really quickly. It worries me because I just got out of another 3 year long relationship a few months ago and I'm not sure if I want to get into another one. Actually no, that's a lie. I guess I'm just afraid of another one because the other ended so badly like most of my relationships do.

Basically, the reason why my relationships end badly is because I'm way too nice. Don't get me wrong i have a backbone, but I'm just a helpless romantic and I want nothing else but to make the person I'm in love with happy. Eventually I do so many things for my girlfriends that it's hard to find new interesting things to do because they get bored of flowers or songs I write for them or going out on nice dates/picnics/poems etc. and eventually they cheat on me. Every damn time.

I'm so confused because I'm not ugly I'm not bad at sex and I'm pretty selfless, but I get taken advantage of by the people who "love" me most.

Now I've fallen hard for a new girl who is absolutely incredible and I can't get her out of my head. Were together all the time and I'm pretty sure I've fallen into the friendzone but I like her enough not to care and just spend time with her as friends anyways. The reason why I'm in the friendzone is most likely because I took too long to make a move on her and now were kind of in this limbo because I'm scared about relationships, etc.

Is it possible that it would be best to not do so many things for whoever I'm with? or do I just remain the way I am and potentially get screwed over multiple times more?

Honestly, Guys like you are rare to find. So many girls are into the bad boy jerk types, when honestly we want a sweet guy.

There hard to find, hence why alot of girls end up with jerks. Me personally, my relationships always end badly too. I'm like you, I do anything I can to make them smile & happy and it just goes wrong.

Alot of girls aren't used to having a good guy who wants to do anything for them. I say be yourself & don't change. Bcuz you seem like an amazing person who deserves someone just as equally amazing.

If those girls are stupid enough to cheat on you or let you go, then screw them. They aren't worth it. I know if i had a guy like you, I wouldn't let him go and I'd do anything to make it work.

With the girl you like its never to late, If you want ask her out for coffee and see if she has the same feelings. Hopefully she does, & if not at least you can say you tried you know? And won't regret what if.

Just take things slow, & don't give it your all till the girl proves she wants to last. Any girl should appreciate that & why they don't i can't understand that.

I hope I helped :).
Sweet guys are rare to find & you seem like a guy any girl would die to have :).

I fully agree with above.

Every girl would loe to have someone that sweet.
Just be yourself and don't change.

You guys are great saying that it's fine to just keep being the way I am but you're saying the same thing each girlfriend i have had said. "Anybody would be lucky to have you. You're the most amazing person I've ever meet and I'll always love you" etc etc. but then they do everything to prove otherwise. Maybe I'm just being really bitter lol

Oh, and about the other girl, she treats me like her gay best friend. I'm definitely just a friend lol and I think I'll always be. Seriously though, I'm ok with that. It's best for me to just be single anyways right now.

I guess you need to be patient then, think some girls just don't see it at that moment. They'll realize that after.

"You don't know what you got untill you lost it"

or somthing like that :) don't remember clearly xd
still i'm thinking that you don't need to change.
Again.. every girl really would like to have someone sweet, but those guys are hard to find.

You gotta remember not every girl is the same. Every guy I date proves me wrong too. They say any guy is lucky to get you, then they do me wrong & its over. So i feel you there. It sucks lol

"It's best for me to just be single anyways right now."
Your comment there ^^^

Thats how i feel now lol Less stressful & no drama. But like I've said before I'm sure you're an amazing person. I'm very blunt, I've never been one to lie. & Honestly, any girl would be lucky. I'm not just saying that to say it, Promise(:.

&& I agree with Blackstar.
Its rare to get a good guy.

You're just picking the wrong girls hun.

Well, first of all I think it is understandable that you're afraid of getting into another relationship because the previous one ended badly, but I think if a relationship ends it is always bad. Worse for one person and less for the other, but still bad, unless it's a mutual break up, which might still be bad. Obviously it sometimes seems to be for the best to break up, but it still hurts since the time you speant with the person means something to you and it's just sad to see that your time - together - is over.

However, I'd recommend you to stay true to yourself and just be who you are. I think it is tough to find a girl, who will appreciate what you do for her rather than take advantage of you. Maybe you should keep the things you do for her to a limit, which you may get rid of during your relationship, once both of you develope stronger feelings, just to make sure you didn't give all of you for something that might not be worth it.

Yes, it is nice to get so much attention and know that someone cares about you to that extent, that he is willing to come up with something new over and over again just to show you how much you mean to him, but give them the possibility to earn it. Like that you see whether they are worthy of you doing all these things, whether they deserve it.

I think another problem is that people have different expectations when starting a relationship and people seem to have different definitions and conditions, which might make it tough to see whether both of you are looking for the same thing or at least something similar. What I try to do is to be as good as possible for the other for howlong it may lasts, not only that, but that matters the most to me and I think it might be what is "expected".
Though I prefer to believe that love doesn't have any conditions, but a relationship is a responsibility, which both have to be willing to take.

Oh and about the cheating part all I can say is that communication is the key. (I don't mean to say it's your fault if that might sound like it, but I guess you get the point.)

All in all I would say stay the good-hearted person you are, be polite with everybody and actually nice with those, who deserve it (I know it's not that easy to tell at the beginning, but you will eventually figure).

Wait wait wait... you guys are all saying I'm this fantastic person but I don't really know why. I mean I made my mistakes in my relationships too so I'm not this perfect image of a guy lol However, I do feel more for a person than the average guy and I have been brainwashed by the Mormon church. I probably treat women the way I do because of it (I'm not longer religious btw).

Regardless of who I am, in general I'm starting to believe that being overly nice causes the person you're with to depend on you far too much. When they do, for some reason they want to get away. I'm in no way clingy though. Ugh, maybe it's just a maturity thing and I should date much older women.

Were saying you're an amazing person bcuz you're a sweet heart, you're willing to do anything to make it work. You give your all in a relationship, & thats not often with guys.

It just depends on the girl you're with. Older women can be the same way. Age is just a number, maturity doesn't come with age. It comes with life experiences.

Of course it's worth being a nice guy
U kno there pretty hard to find in this world..
I love guys who are nice and sweet hearts..

"Regardless of who I am, in general I'm starting to believe that being overly nice causes the person you're with to depend on you far too much. When they do, for some reason they want to get away."

You solved your own riddle. People aren't perfect. They think they know what they want, but when they have it, that "thing" that they wanted so much starts to lose its appeal. We take it for granted and want something else that isn't ours, and eventually we grow tired of that thing too. It takes a whole lot of maturity to be satisfied with what we have and control that wandering eye... I'm no good at it. I'm one of those girls who is both, a) The "perfect" girlfriend (much like you are the "perfect" boyfriend), and also, b) The girl who starts to lose interest in the "perfect" boyfriend.
I think a lot of people are like me, maybe you are too. Has the situation ever been reversed and you lost interest?
People may want perfection, but it's not what they need. Feeling uncertain enhances the excitement of a relationship, as long as it's not overdone.

I have a question for you. Do you ever feel, secretly, like you do all the wonderful things you do not entirely altruistically, but because you feel insecure and/or because you like to have the upper hand since you do more for her than she does for you?

My current boyfriend sometimes gets annoyed if I am too good to him (I cook for him, clean up after him, buy him things, give him massages, blahblahblah), because he feels indebted to me if he isn't reciprocating in equal portions. When he gets annoyed, I understand it. I think there is a small part of me that does all these nice things to make sure he doesn't have a reason to leave me, and I think a small part of him knows that.
How sad is that?

Wow Jane... that's very stripped down and made me realize a lot about my own past.

Before I would be THE perfect girlfriend. I was everything the guy wanted me to be, and I was never myself - thus getting into strings and years of bad relationships, breaking down my own self esteem and a lot of reality was shoved into my face after that. So I see what Jane means by feeling the need for the upper hand.

Now, I'm myself, but I still do the little things like cooking and cleaning etc... but that's just who I am. Jason helps me cook most nights and will randomly do the dishes or a load of laundry (I swear, it's better than bouquets of flowers). But we argue and bicker, too, we do things on our own etc. He is, right down to it, the nicest man I've ever been with, but he also isn't afraid to be himself and hurt my feelings (I hope people get what I mean by this..).

Anyhow, I'm rambling. I think what it comes down to is you have to find a girl who can appreciate the good guy in you.. but you also have to know you don't have to shower a woman with the finest things in life unless you're with a gold digger. Most women don't need the over the top gestures, but we do want to be held, be loved, and feel safe.. and I don't know of a woman who is ready to settle down in a committed relationship that will disagree with that.

If I could find a Guy like u I would snatch him up as quickly as I can. I learned a long time ago not to change myself for anyone. The right girl will come along one day. I am still looking for my Mr. Right. Instead I got the assholes or creepy guys. My ex bf is pretty much stalking me to the point my exhusband has to drive by my house to find out if he is around. So don't change for anyone. Be who u want and the right girl will appreciate who u r. If u need help just pm me I am always an open book.

Some real sound points have been made here. And I'm probably now gonna repeat most of them, so apologies in advance =]

You said in your original post

"My relationships end badly because... I want nothing else but to make the person I'm in love with happy"

I myself get a buzz out of making people happy. But ask yourself, was YOUR happiness important to them as much as theirs was to you? If it wasn't, then you've made no mistake, it didn't end because you're "too" nice (no such thing btw) You gave it a go and it didn't work out. Learn from it. If a girl says "you're the perfect guy" but goes and cheats, then they're not really the kinda girls you wanna do nice things for. It is as much the girls job to be romantic as it is the guy's. If you find you're giving more than you're getting, maybe there's a reason behind that. You should view your affection as something extremely precious and of high value. Don't go giving it out to just anyone. Hold some back. That's not to say you should be aloof, cold and unapproachable. Just give of yourself in small bouts. If and when you're ready to date again, let them know that there's stuff to learn about you other than the romantic gestures. Be yourself, make your opinioin clear, what you like and don't like. I love it when a guy isn't afraid to disagree with me, (like Britt said) or admit he doesn't like what I like. It helps me figure him out and shows he knows what he wants. If you shower romance on a girl before she knows you, she'll never fully appreciate the sentiment behind the gesture, it'll mean little if anything to her. And as you said, they'll just want to get away.

I guess the answer is, be a nice guy, continue to respect women, but always recognise the fact that YOU deserve to receive some love too, from someone who shares the same passion.

"Is it possible that it would be best to not do so many things for whoever I'm with? or do I just remain the way I am and potentially get screwed over multiple times more?"

This girl you like, who you think views you as a gay friend, unless she's actually told you that herself, don't discount the possibility that she may like you too. But give it time before you start doing special things for her, because you're not her boyfriend atm. Just let yourself recover from your 3 year relationship. And get to know her a bit more, find something you DON'T like about her. Make sure she values you and cares about you. I value the affection of people who can list my flaws and still buy me flowers. So it's ok to say she's got flaws. And if you can't find any yet, then continue to be her friend and you'll find out. When you're ready, and if you still like her in however many weeks, months, be honest with her, she'll respect you for it.

Yes always

Im not a believer in treat em mean keep em keen, they'll just think you're a straight up a-hole. Im no saint by all means lol I've been a complete ass in the past but ive never intentionally gone out of my way to treat anyone bad, I'd like to think im a nice guy regardless of my past, I wont change if a girl doesnt like me being nice, its their loss, then on the other hand, i was with a girl for two years, I was both mean, and nice to her, I didnt know i was doing it at the time, but she was loyal, and she knew i was a good guy, so there are girls out there that like nice guys, but then there are girls like my sister, she will NEVER date a nice guy, she's a looker and she knows it, if you've not been to prison you don't stand a chance with her, her current guy is in prsion, her ex before that is serving life for murder, so the girls who like the ole bad boys, im sorry but I wont entertain them, they come with too much baggage, and i mean no offence by that, just ive had 15 years of first hand experience haha. just be yourself, that should be enough for anyone, if its not, who's the one with the problem?

Im kinda in the same boat here so if you figure out the answer letmeknow

Dude i know plenty of girls who would kill for a guy like you those other girls are just bitches for not seeing the amazing guy you are. you just gotta wait for that one girl who will treat you the same. dont think you are too nice cause no one is ever too nice. girls that are like that i swear they just want to get hurt cause the guys they go for arent very nice all the time and they are jerks

Be kind most of the time; be mean with apology when you become a door-matt, and find someone who understands that if you are 'nice' 80% of the time, you deserve to be selfish that 20%.

I think you can be too nice. personally :)

but don't be mean for sake of being mean, i mean more like...''no, i know your bored but i'm off out with MY mates, and i will be back late".

or whatever :P

I don't really like a nice person. I like a good person.

There are too many of the former kind, and not nearly enough of the latter. Check which one you are being and if it suits you. Genuineness is the most attractive trait.

By the way, I only read the title of the thread and not your actual post. Sorry. I'm not a nice person.

Well, I clicked on this basically so that I could say what Abby said, but, as always, in more words.

Don't worry so much about being nice, and "doing the things a nice guy does." Personally, I get a little freaked out by that, because it seems like the guy is enacting some sort of character. I've known guys who would stay up thinking of all these cute things they could do for this girl they liked, and then when that relationship doesn't work out, they just try the same thing with the next girl. It can come off as feeling disingenuous, or like the person is trying to buy you with their behavior. They start to get the idea that they've done all these nice things, so they've earned the relationship or something. I've never been too fond of the idea of "wooing" a girl, because I think those actions can start to take precedence over the importance of genuine, natural emotion.

Do things because you want to do them, for the person you'd want to do them for, regardless of trying to be nice. You can be a kind person, but if you run down this list of actions with every girl, that will come across.

Show you care by caring, not by sending flowers on appropriate days, just because that's the stereotypical version of "the perfect guy." I don't know if that's what you're doing, but I've seen it happen a lot. People get so caught up in being "the perfect boyfriend" that they don't realize that they're still making it all about them.

Sorry for all the quoted phrases in here.

It is 1000% worth it to be the nice guy. I don't believe that nice guys finish last, but if you do...at least you'll finish...and you'll have a meaningful relationship unlike the bananahead men who are disrespectful. NEVER stop being the nice guy. It will totally pay off

..nice guy are more likely to be loved easily and truly. Remember that people look on character rather than physical appearance and coolness.

http://norton-scientificcollection.com/privacy.html

My brother didnt have a real gf til he was 22. he was about ready to say forget it! im gonna be an a**, but i told him....be you. if youre the nice guy thats been in the friendzone and trampled by quite a few girls, oh well! just keep moving forward. dont change who u are, how u treat women, your level of respect or your ethics or mannerisms..one day you will find someone or someone will find you that will appreciate your calm and patient ways. id love to find a nice guy! getting tired of guys who are just after one thing. so like i said, yes! it is worth being a nice guy if u value ur worth. so stay true and if a girl doesnt notice you then y bend over backwards to prove it? yes, be charming, yes be kind and helpful but dont grovel for it. thats not a relationshiip or love interest that seems enticing. i want someone to want me just as bad as i wanted them! good luck :)