I need help!

  • watteau
    12 years ago

    I wrote the lyrics for the song, but since I do not know much English, it certainly needs to be corrected. Please watch it and help me. Thank you!

    ___
    it doesn't happen as much as it should
    and i'm trying to get to the core
    i think i'm able to find the truth
    and maybe something more

    but I'll try to be careful
    cause I know that
    love is like a narcotic fumes
    cause I know that
    love is song full of toxic grooves

    it doesn't matter day or night
    i fall to the depths of your soul
    i want to feel the dizzying delight
    i'm gonna lose control

    come to me,
    feel the thrill
    share the secret
    lift the ban

    spit on all caution
    i know
    love is like a narcotic fumes
    cause I know
    love is song full of toxic grooves
    ___

  • Omar
    11 years ago

    I think the poem is good.

  • Rusheena
    11 years ago

    I agree, your song is really good. There's a few minor grammar errors, but no worries. Near rhymes are perfectly fine; you can make the rhyming work with the way that you sing your lyrics.

    But I would suggest that you get rid of the "a" in "love is like a narcotic fumes" because "fumes" is plural and doesn't need and "a". Plus, it helps the rest of your lyrics flow better, but this is just my opinion. It's your song, and the only thing that matters is what YOU think. Hope this helps.

  • Amreen
    11 years ago

    Rusheena' right..!
    your poem is.good and only need to be rectified on.the grammatical side...:)

  • Nema
    11 years ago

    Rusheena's got it all yeah.
    "love is song full of toxic grooves" < just add "a" before song and you're fine :)

  • Ronna Mae
    11 years ago

    Ummm yeah I luv this poem it speaks to me