Getting People To Open Up...

For anybody that's in a relationship with someone who bottles everything inside & won't talk to you or let alone anybody.

How do you slowly get them to open up?
My boyfriend is in the marines currently overseas. And hes not okay. I don't know whats wrong. I've tried and tried to get him to open up to me, but the way he is - if you won't understand he thinks its pointless to talk about it-. Communication is key in a relationship and everybody should have that one person they can talk to regardless of what it is.

& I have not the slightest clue on how to get him to realize it doesn't matter if I won't understand 100%, i will as much as i can as long as he talks to me.

Well, I think it's important that you show him that you're there for him nomatter what, without being too pushy. He needs to realize on his own that you deserve to know on one side and that you only want to be there for him to support and help him.

I wouldn't pressure him too much, I'm sure he knows that communication is the key, but there might be a few things he doesn't feel too comfortable about to tell you yet. Maybe he wants to understand them himself first before telling you.

So yeah, take it slow, give him the feeling that you'll do your best to understand, but don't push him into telling you as that might cause for him to close even more.

Yeah thats true.

Like this morning, he wouldn't budge. I just kept saying like I'm your girlfriend whos here for you regardless. He just thinks because I'm not a marine I will never understand. Partly true, But I'm not the only one waiting in this relationship while hes overseas and when he gets deployed in the future.

I've kinda given up on asking till I see him. & I'll make it clear this relationship will not make another 6 month deployment if he can't open up to me on his own.

Whats not to understand?..He is going to communicate via English and its going to be about his feelings.

Sorry for my straight forward comment. I dont mean to sound cocky :P

I mean, unless he wants to talk about contemplating cell regeneration or Planck's equation or Quantum mechanics or hacking or something like that. Only then it might not be a duplex communication between you two.

In my humble opinion. Do not force him to open up and barf, instead tell him to try. One conversation at a time. Due to his circumstances or because of his past, he may not be able to trust anyone, or he might be a bit unstable for the moment. If an individual is brought up in a house where parents come home drunk and then just fight and hit the bed, he or she might eventually lose faith in family or relationship itself. Not that all individuals undergo the same physiological effect. But it could just be a case. It may not be the case with him since I am just giving an example here.

Sometimes we go crazy and yet, we expect our partner to be there for us. I guess its a phase of self pity/self loathing, probably due to being docked away from his home country, family, friends and of course - his girlfriend =)

He'll get over it. Just let him take his time to build up to you.

Lol That made me laugh actually.

I don't know. We got into a fight last night because of this. I'm just sick of him getting mad because I want to be there. So if he wants to open up, he can take it somewhere else. I'm done caring about it. <--- Sounds harsh, but its the truth. You can only try so much until eventually its pointless & u give up.

His past of what he told me is very similiar to mine. We relate with that. But idk. He doesn't wanna open up thats fine. I was gonna take him to my moms grave, and i refuse to take anybody there. But now he doesn't deserve to go.

"Lol That made me laugh actually"

^ I have a goofy nature. So I'll take it as a compliment, if you dont mind :P

The final decision is up to you. We, anyone who advices you does not literally feel the way you feel on the inside even if we can relate to the emotional turmoil, that is the bridge between you two about to burn down or is in the process.

Finally I will say, let your inner voice or conscience decide. If you feel that the guy is worth all the trouble, love him with all you have. And if you feel it isnt going to work and a break up is unnecessarily being prolonged, then cutting the cord is in your hands.

Although I will say something that, which is absolutely true. Being loved by a good women is as close as being liberated from all sufferings. =)

I havent been in an actual physical relationship but I have observed adequately. And I've found that compromise is just the beginning. The point where we give up is actually the starting point. People do and people say the craziest things in love. Idk how far must one go to disconnect themselves from the world, remove themselves from the equation.

I guess love is at best, simplicity :P

Not at all lol I'm not a very serious person unless the situation needs to be :).

Yeah i know... I have a very negative mind and tend to jump to conclusions. But its just bullcrap that because i'm trying to be there for him like a girlfriend should be, he gets mad at me. I hate fighting and hes just pushing me away.

Not many people can handle military relationships. I've already waited over 5 months and he gets back next month. I'm gonna see how it is, and if its the same crap then i may just end it. i love him to death and don't wanna lose him but you can only try/handle so much.

Two people can have a similar past. But not necessarily the same level of maturity. One can break down faster and the other could hold on for longer. Circumstance actually do shape our mentality.

In a relationship such a yours, both the parties are in a constant state of suffocation. Waiting for someone you understand how the small moments affect us. I mean, just having someone to cuddle with, is in itself so satisfying. Or someone to hold hands while taking a long walk. Or a having a face you can touch, could be so idk heavenly. Idk I'm just saying :P

Yeah I know... But communication is a huge part of a relationship. and when you can't open up to that person or let them in, eventually it will fail bcuz nothing will ever get solved.

Yeah its true, and I used to be soooooo excited to see him. now im just like whatever.who knows maybe it will be different when we are actually together in person. i hate this relationships lol

Oh talking of relationships. I actually do have my own theory. I'll pm it to you :P

Relationships are based on communication no doubt about it. You open up to someone because you trust them. Even the worst things we do, could be said to them. That is what trust is. But idk, people enter this loop of relationships and then never find satisfaction.

I'll say, take your time and find your self a nice partner. Settle down in a small awesome country within minimum violence, corruption and wars. And it would be better if it'd snow there =)

Okay lol

I dont care if a guy is far away or if i can barely see him. I just want to be happy with someone who i know isn't gonna hurt me. and hes a good guy, just the marines changed him.

and yeah ima try to talk to him in person and make it clear we wont last another deployment if it keeps continuing on like this

It would be sad to realize in the near future that two hearts have broken. But I guess the train has to leave the station eventually.

These relationships aren't easy. Especially being away from them. Were on 2 totally different time zones. When I'm asleep hes awake and vice versa.

I haven't been in this exact situation, but there seems to be a theme running here.

You seem very concerned with wanting to be the perfect girlfriend, and your understanding of "perfect" right now seems to be a desire to share everything that's going on with your boyfriend and letting him open up to you. This is an admirable trait, and I think it says a lot about your giving nature that you want to be there for him.

That said, there seems to be a gap between your concept of an ideal girlfriend, and what he actually wants and needs at this point. Could it be possible that you're pushing him too much to open up? It's a hard thing for people to do (especially in stressful circumstances), and you might be making it more difficult by forcing it beyond its natural pace. Maybe to be an ideal girl for him right now, it doesn't mean that he needs to share every detail and have you sort them out with him. Maybe it just means making it clear that you're available if and when he wants to talk about something troubling, and then... backing off and waiting for him to make that move. The most important thing for him will just be the knowledge that you'll be there, if he needs. Right now it almost seems like it's more about you and your need to be ideal, rather than him and what he actually needs... if that makes sense.

Of course, two-way communication is very important, and maybe you don't feel like waiting around for him to come to you. That's also totally valid. People require different frequencies and depth of communication, and maybe you're just not matching up on this front.

I agree with you completely. I just hate him saying I'm not okay, and then when I ask why he won't tell me. he says " You won't understand so its pointless tp tell you." He never tells me anything, has only opened up a little once and that was it.

He knows I'm here for him, and I wasn't trying to push him. It just bothers me he refuses to even slightly a tiny bit let me in. I just changed the subject and now won't probably ever ask. To me it feels like my feelngs don't matter. He has never once asked how I am, or how my dad is ( hes going through bad health problems right now) and when a problem does occur hes so childish lately, its like its my fault.

I'm starting to want to break up with him because no relationship will last without communication. Last night I told him Whenever you're ready to talk to me I'll be here untll then; and I changed the subject.

Then he got mad at me because I said yall when I always have. I guess his gf died and maybe used to say it and thats another thing he won't let me in about. and said dont say it around me when it never bothered before.

guys are so complicated... :/

"guys are so complicated... :/"

No, women overcomplicate EVERYTHING in life, thus making men seem complicated. They're simple, and different (not simple minded, I mean).

You're trying too hard. I get you want him to open up, but men don't talk about their feelings the way women do. We do to vent, to bond/connect etc. Men generally only really discuss when they can't fix it themselves, and even then, it'll probably be to another guy, not to you.

He's not a girl-friend of yours, so you have to understand that. Once you "get" it, you'll stop being so disappointed that he doesn't ZOMG everything to you. Guys don't do it.

If he has -zero- communication skills about anything, ever... well, good luck is all I can say. You're obviously a strong communicator, and if he won't put forth an effort, it's probably not going to be good for you.

I'm not expecting him to tell me every little thing. But I would like for him to slightly let me in. Your girlfriend is supposed to be there for you, someone to rely on when you're not okay.

Idk he's a weird guy when it comes to communication, doesn't help he's in a different country stressed in the military.

I just want to be there for him and wouldn't you want to know what's wrong with person you're with? It bothers me knowing he isn't okay but doesn't say why all because I'm not a marine and won't " understand."

It's just stupid to me, I've given up hope in trying to talk to him. It is what it is sadly.

"It bothers me knowing he isn't okay but doesn't say why all because I'm not a marine and won't " understand.""

Maybe you won't. Or he doesn't think you will and doesn't want to bother you with it, especially since you're so far away.

"I just hate him saying I'm not okay, and then when I ask why he won't tell me. he says " You won't understand so its pointless tp tell you."

That would be pretty frustrating. I can see how it's hard for you to know what he wants from you, when he brings it up but doesn't want to expand on it. Maybe it actually would be best to just take it easy until he's back in a month, then you can hash it out in person. I wouldn't break up with him before then, though, unless there are other reasons for why you'd want to.

I know ...

He gets back I think around sometime the first 2 weeks of June. He finally texted me saying " I'm sorry I've been coming
Off bad to you, my feelings are really messed up right now." and I replied I know something's wrong but I'm still here and said it will get better once he gets back/ I love him.

He replies this mornig saying we have a crap load to talk about and none of its good. So I replied tell me right now are we Gona break up?
And if he says yes ima say k and never talk to him again. Idk if it's that it what :/