So I am completely confused on how to handle my affairs of the heart :P Long story short...I think that I've fallen in love with a man I work with and I have no idea how to handle it. I met him 2 years ago when I started going to a local martial arts school and we become really close friends, we'll call him J. He become my confidence booster in training, my humorious relief at tournaments and tests and when I'd had a long day teaching, because he understood the martial arts world and the stress and is about the only person my age that I train with. I was in a long term long distance relationship though so we never could persue more than just a close friendship.
My bf and my relationship was strained to say the least though, we'd been dealing with long distance most of our 7 years together, he lived in a different country and I never got to see him. I knew my relationship wasn't going to last but I was trying hard to make it work despite knowing it wouldn't. J knew my relationship was sinking and was there for me at all hours as a friend and told me he was getting attached and cared very much for me. I got attached to him too, which was my sign that I should have called off things with my bf but he was very unstable and I was afraid of how he'd react so I just tried to juggle. Stupid on my part and wrong but I can't change that mistake now.
J and I continued to talk and become closer all the way until Nov., him saying that he cared about me and wasn't interested in anyone else but me. I never told him why I was staying with my bf though, that I was scared of how my bf would react because of his violent temper and how unstable he was, which was my 2nd mistake. But I finally was brave enough to end things just before Thanksgiving with my bf, it was as bad as I was expecting but I did it, saying it was for me and no other reason, which it was because the relationship had started to turn abusive on his end and dishonest on mine.
J texted me 2 weeks before I ended things with my bf telling me that he had a gf all of a sudden though and saying that we couldn't talk anymore. Totally threw me for a loop since just a week before that text he'd been reassuring me he cared and was there. Now...he won't even talk to me or look at me when we see each other and he shoves his new gf in my face, which in all honesty I understand and can't blame him for, I deserve the punishment.
I know that I screwed up the whole thing a lot and made a lot of mistakes, both with J and my bf, and didn't treat either how I should have, which I feel horrible about but my question is.....
Everything in me wants to message J, who I haven't talked to really since Thanksgiving, and at least explain why I stayed with my bf so long and apologize for not explaining it at the time and hurting him. I hate knowing that he's probably thinking badly of me and feeling that I just lead him on about my feelings. I truly care about him and of course I want him to be happy, even if that means I have to let him go. Everything in me wants to tell him I meant it when I said I cared about him, that I still do and apologize and then let him decide what to do from there but I don't know if I should. Should I message him or just quietly wait longer to see what happens? The longer I don't message him though the more he seems to hate me, like he's waiting for me to say something. Should I message him? Or just suffer the pain quietly? I'm so confused. Advice please? Other than that I screwed up, which I know :P