2 years ago
What do I rant about? That I am fucking scared shitless about moving again or how I hate my parents? I feel like there is some kind of selfish monster inside of me that comes out when I get triggered by the yelling they do. I hate that I have to relive my childhood over and over again everyday in this house, that they let my wife and I live in. But yet I still hate them so god damn much, because of what they did to me when I was younger. who beats a child physically and mentally and even emotionally and gets away with it. I hate myself, yet It is counterintuitive to think that my hatred spreads to them. I always question what the hell is wrong with me, but somewhere deep inside I am happy, or am I? I don't even know. I could end it anytime I wanted to, but would I be to blame, they would think so. because they are the ones who are selfish. I stay alive because I am stronger than they give me credit for, but yet there is a part of me that will probably always want to die, a little part of me that is missing and always will be. Yes, I do get triggered with PTSD because I have to relive through that experience over and over again, but I am still alive, somehow I am still alive.