Previously I was talking about rock bottom, which felt at that time when I slumped. A familiar feeling of many times before. However this time I really felt was rock bottom, as my situation worsened. Which I now believe was meant to be. I am a firm believer of fate I may add.
I called upon a friend, who I knew for a fact was in no position at all to help financially, but just for support. In fact the only person I wanted to call at that time. We have been friends for over 15 years and I felt that we had a lot of love and respect for each other. I went to see him on the Sunday after my slump. And opened up to him and his wife, is an amazing person. I cried with shame, and my pride did not exist at this point. His wife in particular was a rock of support, and from the off-set that no financial help was available, but wanted to support me in this awful time.
Just a little background into the financial state, was I owed my landlord arrears and rent, a loan shark, and all living expenses. The offer to help was a way of dealing with it all over a period of six months, but the sacrifices scared the s..t out of me. But most of all loss! At the time, my vulnerability was completed shattered. In fact I was so lost with it all. So their offer was so hard hitting, but such a wonderful way to support my situation. Being older I feel that where I was in life, and to go back and start another life was daunting, especially with what I felt was no option.
We sat and went through everything financially. The only way out of this mess was the offer to move in with my friends ( and this was incredible offer) pay them no rent or keep, in return walk their dogs and a few little chores. Wow! But what you must remember at this point, and so important. Rock bottom (my Experience) is when there really is nothing else. Nothing! but ourselves.
So we made a financial plan to work with, I had to alone face all creditors and my landlord, which is the last thing I wanted to do. Give up my tenancy, my space, my environment and at nearly 50 years old, was scary. The fears were so scary, they really were. My money managed, and controlled. This loss was the crown of my gambling addiction, all my life to end up here!
I will start the next paragraph, and return because I'm now starting to fall into rock bottom (then), and going to take a rest from writing :)
I thought I was at rock bottom, but wasn't quite there yet..
I worked through a financial plan, with my friends wife. I had to face my landlord, with the arrears and give my notice to vacate my home, and face the loan-shark with what I owed (who I can say was the most challenging). So the plan was put into action all was set up for months time, when I would move in with my friends. I wont go into all the details, but 2 weeks after dealing with the aftermath, and just starting to get used to the ideas and the future (which was draining mentally).
My friend dropped a bombshell. After all that has just gone on, he told me that he still had a cocaine problem, and that he had been spending money from their joint account for the last 3 months, and his wife had no idea. Now I knew a year ago he was cocaine dependent, and the same thing happened (money missing etc) and his wife found out. It was an awful time, when she did. they sorted it out with NA meetings, controlling his finances and so on. 3 months ago she trusted him again after a year away from his habit, and all resumed back to how it was. So this now was a dreadful situation, we spoke about it, and he said now that my money was managed, she will find out about the missing money, as she would be paying my money into the account, and will see the £1700 in multiples taken out at random times. I felt bad already, now I felt horrible. Because, I then at that point did not know what to feel, think or do. This woman (his wife) had just offered me a little hope, and all the honesty laid out on the table, the crying, the emotions everything was out in the open, Apart from this now said issue of my friends cocaine habit.
That very night, soon after he left and went home, he texted me and said she has found out about the missing money. I replied in a worried state for him, and said I can come for support or anything... THEN! he text me to say what he told her. That he had been lending me the money, because of my gambling addiction, he was trying to help me out. BANG! That lie, and the events after will never leave me, but the irony is that I got it. Because this is what our addictions can and did lead to. I felt so devastated for his wife. Anyway the lie was out, and after thinking about lying to her and still moving in, I just couldn't and now faced down in the pit of rock bottom. The true reality of now what!?