Formed Poerty Challenge!

Some members have pm'd me hinting that they would like to try a form but have never gotten around to it so....I have written a few different forms over the years as have a few other members, the way I learned was by challenges made by other members and me personally making many mistakes and learning from them. If anyone is seriously interested in taking up the challenge then I'm quite willing to help. Remember, I'm no expert but...after I learned to grow a slightly thicker skin and acknowledge that there is always someone else who knows a little more than I do then I actually enjoyed it so...yeah...if you're interested I'll put one form up every couple of weeks and we will ALL discuss and help each other. I'd love if the members who are probably more qualified than me will also lend a helping hand.

Great idea Hellon, I have been a bit quiet recently so I am going to have a go at this. (As long as the first form isn’t a sonnet)

Ooh yeah, I'm up for this ... but I'm with Darren on the sonnet thing! :-)

Great idea, Hellon, although I have to say, if it's anything but sonnets, I won't be much help at all! And everyone seems so enthused with the idea of writing one of those...

Go for it, Hellon!!!
I’ll help any way I can.
What’s your first challenge?

I think this is a good idea. Count me in.

C'mon people, roll up - if you want a chance to learn (this includes me) this is an excellent opportunity.

Very neat idea, Hellon! Maybe this could be like a workshop. I am definitely in :)

This is a very promising response. Remember, this is a learning curve for everyone and something that I hope we can all learn from and enjoy. take your time with it and if anyone has any questions/needs help then please post and myself or someone else will try to help.

Seems only right that the first challenge should be a Rondeau so...here is a link to the rules for this form together with some examples.

http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/rondeau.html

Rebellious Roots (Rondeau)

Generations carry on tradition
learned with supper’s nutrition
chewed to bits and swallowed
earned from the guts and followed
integral to the family condition.

In each child’s driving ambition
colouring their every volition
is the DNA of the tribal load
generations carry.

Rare that youth intending sedition
achieves a singular cognition
brings life to thoughts unborrowed
creates new path now hallowed
finds for his true manumission
generations carry.

summer rain (rondeau)

within the rain, I heard your name
inhaled your earth scent, as it came
I am bereft without you near
my heart is full, of aching tears
...I'll drown, in this, relentless pain

wandering this world insane
retracing you, inside my brain
where are you. . . is that you near
. . .within the rain

on bended knee, to you I came
'oh shower me a sweet refrain'
if I can never hold you here,
perhaps, I'll ever keep you near,
savouring my summer's pain
. . .within the rain

If Clouds Could Hold My Pain

If all the clouds could hold my pain
Then we would all be scorched by rain
That wasn't pure, but soaked in dearth -
Degrading all the love on Earth.
I fear I'd feel no joy again.

I'm not the one who is to blame;
she poisoned all the planted grain.
It grew with rot and killed my mirth -
If clouds could hold my pain.

And now the storm has left a stain
Of black that has become the bane
Of life for me and dulled my worth;
I damn the day that I was birthed.
My life will never be the same.
If clouds could hold my pain.

--

*I have to say that this was the hardest but most
enjoyable form I've tried. Thanks Hellon. Please tell
me if I have anything wrong!
ps Great poems, Larry and Michael.

You guys are incredible. I wish I could write one or at least give it a try. I am in love with this word rondeau.

Great poems all. This form is extremely difficult to write well.

Naaz, you are in luck. This thread is here to help all those who would like to give formed poetry a go. If you haven't read Hellon's link, I advise you to do so. I found it useful to read other people's Rondeau's. I found I could use them as a template and inspiration.

Give it a go. Let us know if you need any help.

Great job, Larry and Ben. I found this a form almost wrote itself. Once I had the refrain sorted, the rhyme scheme almost dictated the rest. I must add, having experience of meter helped no end.

Thank you for the inspiration Hellon, challenge accepted

Mother... Why?
By Anthony Krieman

Mother why do you hurt me so?
Pain is all you ever show.
Bruises, scars, adorn my face-
The hurt I've found in your embrace.
Abuse from you is all I know.

It's true you reap that which you sow-
Alone, in silence filled with woe
In sadness you sit in disgrace
Mother why?

Isolation is colder than snow
Cold like my heart's Rondeau
Arms distance became commonplace
In time I found my hiding place
Away from you... I let you go
Mother why?

Fab stuff everyone! I found this so hard! Feedback appreciated :-)

I Waited

I waited for you until I grew cold
Till the light grew dim and my bones got old
Now it's too late for us to make amends
I'm not even sure that we can be friends
Why didn't you want to have and to hold?

How did our love that was so uncontrolled
Become the one thing that you would withhold
Something my heart would then have to defend
I waited for you

I thought we'd agreed to a band of gold
You owned my heart, I was totally sold
Your precious time you can't even extend
I know that this really must be the end
This is the way that our love did unfold
I waited for you

I keep re-reading yours, Michael, and it sounds so effortless. The flow is just so natural. This was harder for me and I spent an hour or so on the couch working on it lol, so I feel some of it sounds forced??

-

Mother moon moans into my sheets
where darkness cradled great defeats.
I grow wings of silver ink dust
itching to fulfill wanderlust,
alive once Father sun retreats.

I hear hymns from woodland heartbeats
more intricate than New York's streets
if I sang, would my song combust?
Mother moon moans...

Can we touch before night depletes
this reservoir of light which greets
ravens' stanzas as breezes thrust,
tomorrow's promise to entrust
rivers ebb, Nightingale repeats
Mother moon moans...

I don't think it feels forced at all, on the contrary it all flows really well! On reading it, I felt that it wasn't complete. The last stanza doesnt feel like it ends the poem, or completes a thought? It almost feels as if there should be more?

Edit*
That is of course unless you are looping back to the beginning and illustrating a cycle... in which case I humbly eat my words! Either way, I love it.

I enjoyed the story here, it's well written.

Line five: this is a personal story from your inclusion of "I" so I would change to
"Why didn't you want me to have and hold?"

Line fourteen: I think this would be harder hitting if posed as a question,
"Is this the way our love unfolds?"
The following "I waited for you" would just be heart wrenching after the question.

Jesus Ben, this should come with a warning to have tissues handy! I am equally irritated by how easy this is for you and impressed by how well you tell a story in a strict format (as usual). If this was posted it would be on my favorites.

This sounds like a tragic tale of urequitted love to me, made more so by line 10 if it was a refused marraige proposal. Amazing.

This form is meant to be musical. If you can hear the beat of the words, then you are on the right lines.

If we take your first line:

Mother moon moans into my sheet
^
If the word 'moon' is omitted, the beat sound great. Obviously, the word, 'moon' is important, so this line would need to be reworked. Maybe something like, 'Mother moon weeps in my sheet'

If you read each line and hear the metric beats, you'll know when they sound right.

I know this is a wee bit childish, but this link may help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNX2kxqvjbU

Tony, I appreciate that so much and I agree, the last few lines seem kind of unfinished on my piece. Thanks for the help there.

And yes, Michael! That helps me, thinking it as more "musical". Even reading it aloud seems better when it's "Mother moon weeps in my sheets", I think the "into" was breaking the rhythm too. And no, the video isn't childish. It's cute and helpful.

Thanks to you both ^_^

My most most most favorite so far are written Mr Darcy and Ben.

Wow! How good are you guys stepping up to the bar like you have! Seriously you should all be proud of your efforts. Not only was I happy to see members participate but I was also very glad to see members helping each other out...that was exactly what I was hoping for here. I would be glad to hear how you felt after completing this form? Some people have said that they feel very restricted what writing forms while others (my opinion) feel a sense of achievement when completing a challenge like this one. How did it make you feel personally? Will you be more inclined to try a different form now that you've conquered this one?

Naaz...I hope you decide to give it a try. If you find it would be more helpful to post, and get advice, stanza by stanza then, by all means do so.

Tony...your poem really struck a chord with me but I was unsure of these two lines...

Arms distance became commonplace
In time I found my hiding place

Both lines end in place and I'm also wondering about swapping the first two words here...

distant arms become commonplace
So, in time, I found my hiding space ( or...some hiding space)

Maybe????

Hi Tony,

I have been mulling over Hellon's suggestions.

Here is a possible option. I feel the changes improve the meter. I hope the meaning still holds true?

Original

Isolation is colder than snow
Cold like my heart's Rondeau
Arms distance became commonplace
In time I found my hiding place
Away from you... I let you go
Mother why?

Revised

Loneliness colder than snow
Icy like my heart's Rondeau
Distance became our commonplace
In time I found my inner space
Away from you... I let you go
Mother why?
^
Just a suggestion, Tony. If you read your version out loud, then mine, hopefully, you'll hear the difference. I find reading my meter poetry out loud to a willing audience (my cats) it helps!

* If anyone wants particular section tweaked, or just advice, let us know.

^^^

See...now we are becoming 'members' of a poetry site!!!

Kitty..

would you consider changing the words cold and old around in your first two lines???

Kitty - great job with this. These forms are tricky if your experience of writing metric poetry is limited. When you read each line there should be regular beats. If we take your first line:

(I wait)(ed for) (you un)(til I) (grew cold)
^
here we have (5 beats) - each line in this poem should have the same number, except the refrain. I found 2 beats worked well.

Revised
(I wait) (for you) (and I) (grow cold)
^
I have placed in brackets around paired syllables. I am no expert, but I like to alternate the stresses. To me, this improves the sound and pace of the line. I realise the change, alters the context so, this could be an option:

(Waiting) (for you), (I grew) (so cold)
^
I like this version best. I hope you can see that by playing around with the words, the meter can be improved. In time, this process happens as you write.
Now if you try the other lines, use the brackets if that helps. Post your revisions here for feedback. Try one stanza at a time.

Good luck

not sure about meter,

yet here is my attempt

A tree in Winter. - Rondeau

Winds move me, gales stripping my branches bare
feel vulnerable, in crisp midnight air
twisted limbs on show, daring kids to climb
pray for summer, magnificence, my prime
frosty branches kill, a morbid affair.

nests vacated, just silence, oh the din
yearning for rapture, considered a sin
roots hinder me, my branches hidden twins
winds move me.

Snow falls heavy, a glistening winter shawl
dancing wild, a demented wedding doll
Christmas lights adorn me, disco in flora
new cycle in sight, springs around the corner
yet hope just trickles, the sun still awol
winds move me.

**edited so that all lines have same/similar meter (should read things properly first)

Thanks so much Tony, Hellon and Mr D for your helpful feedback. I'll give it a go and will Re post here when (if, lol) I manage it.

Hellon I did find it hard, especially as I was trying to pay attention to the meter, but I realise now that what I was actually doing was counting syllables, and that's different, yes?
It was also tricky deciding on the ab words, knowing that I'd have to rhyme so much of the poem with them.

However, I do really feel like I'm learning something here and as you've said, there's a real sense of achievement in that :-) fab thread!

These are great, truly. As Hellon says, this feels more like it!
Hellon, to answer your questions. I - personally - don't feel forms are restrictive. Challenging, yes, but not restrictive. Remember, some of these forms are so famous and have been around so long because they sound so good when they are written well - and that's at least some of the point of poetry, isn't it? And I don't know about anyone else, but I was quite proud of myself on completing mine. I remember when I wrote my first sonnet (Michael suggested I try) I instantly thought I would never be able to grasp the meter/syllable count/rhyme or anything else! (glass half empty sort of a guy) but I soon got the hang of it. It was the same with this form. I sat down yesterday and didn't think I could do it but once I started and got the hang of the rules, it came more easily.
I think it's been touched on, but getting the hang of meter makes all the difference and there's so many good articles and clips on youtube etc that help. Just the basic idea of unstressed/stressed syllables (iambic meter). This is what gives lines their 'music'.

Once again let me just say that I'm very glad to see so many of you trying this...good on you all!!

and...coming back with your answers....I'm loving the responses..

Darren...you did compare formed poetry as being as constrictive as painting by numbers and yet you have posted an extremely fine rondeau so...did you write this rondeau using the same method?

EDIT

I didn't mean this to sound mean BTW (just interested) but, when I read it back I could see that it may sound that way...

thanks Hellon

I didn't read it as mean.

Even with painting by numbers you can use your own choice of colours if desired.

I did find this form restrictive, however sometimes that helps remove the fill.

Darren...do you mean when the numbers say apply number 4 colour you got out on a limb and coat it with number 6 mixed with 8? I bet you go over the lines too..just because!!!!

I've missed your spirit on here Darren...

Thanks Hellon

yes if I was painting by numbers I would move all the colours up by one just to see what happens

as for painting over the lines...I can do that without trying.

this is a great thread, I'm glad so many are jumping on board.

poets.take note of this comment...I've already written it down!!!

Hellon and Mr. Darcy, great advice both. I did struggle with those two lines a bit and I thought about "space" after "commonplace." Here's a change.

Mother... Why? (Revised)
By Anthony Krieman

Mother why do you hurt me so?
Pain is all you ever show.
Bruises, scars, adorn my face-
The hurt I've found in your embrace.
Abuse from you is all I know.

It's true you reap that which you sow-
Alone, in silence filled with woe
In sadness you sit in disgrace
Mother why?

Solitude- colder than snow,
Cold like my heart's Rondeau.
Distance became commonplace
Till you no longer had a space
In my life... I let you go
Mother why?

*Edit
It's too bad you can't praise comments on a thread. This is all great feedback.

Hi Darren,

although this form is a real challenge, you have made a more than fair stab at it.

There has been much said about meter and I would advise checking some of that for guidance. Also, I noticed that the rhyme scheme has been misinterpreted. This is easily done, the letters aa,bb should have the same rhyme throughout. It is this rhyme and tight regular meter that adds to the poems sing-song quality.

Your first line:

(Winds move) (me, gales) (stripping) (my branch)(es bare)
^
Here we have 5 beats - branches is a real stumbling block here

Revised

(winds strip)(ping my) (branches) (bare)
^
By slightly altering this line, the meter improves. Read both and see what you think. If you use this throughout, and tweak the end rhyme words to reflect the set rhyme scheme, the poem will start singing.

If you like, you can revise and post one line/verse at a time.

*Edit - I have been toying with this first line - I think its okay and is similar to the original.

Hi folks ... how's this now?
I loved all of your suggestions Tony, Hellon and Mr D; and I found using brackets really helpful, although I've had to revise it a fair bit to make the meter work. It's really helpful reading the feedback that everyone is getting and how their revisions are done too :-) x

Waiting for you

Waiting for you I grew so old
The light grew dim, my bones got cold
Now it’s too late to make amends
Not sure we can even be friends
Didn’t you want to have and hold?

How did our love so uncontrolled
Become the thing you would withhold?
Something my heart would then defend
Waiting for you

I just wanted a band of gold
You owned my heart, I was so sold
Your time you cannot now extend
I know that this must be the end
Is this the way our love unfolds?
Waiting for you