April Second (Etheree)

by Jamie   Jun 11, 2019

blanket us
on rickety
porch benches lit by
a lightbulbs final glow.
Contagious laughter echoes
through hawkish wind gravitating
toward scintillating stars that look
majestic painted with April's new moon.


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Latest Comments

  • 1 week ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I do think there's a few too many adjectives in this. It just felt like a mouthful to me with these lines. I know this is a formed poem (and you have to have certain syllables) but even a pause may have helped create a better flow. Your words than "through .... toward ... that look ... with" seemed a bit too heavy handed and not natural enough. Just my opinion though.

    The idea of hoodies blanketing the both of you is so lovely though. Comforting. There's a sense of calm in the ending lines, the sound of laughter perhaps overpowering the wind, and the stars lighting a way in the darkness.

  • 2 weeks ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    This had the kind of imagery of a haiku. Huge praise. X

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Great change, Jamie - far better than mine and, I believe, better than the original anyway.

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Ben Pickard

    I do love this and love this form, Jamie. However, I believe the penultimate line has ten syllables instead of the required nine. 'illuminated' being five by my count. Perhaps just 'to illuminated stars that look'?
    Not sure.

    All the best

    • 2 weeks ago

      by Jamie

      Thanks for the catch ben. I have changed it.

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Milly Hayward

    Is there a significance of 2nd of April? The imagery to me is of a couple of friends both dressed in warm snuggly red hoodies sitting on a porch bench that they have sat out on many times before. Just looking up at the April moon reminiscing of things gone by. The contagious laughter made me feel like they were very good friends who know each other very well. Milly x

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