Comments : As the bomb hits...

  • 3 months ago

    by Hellon

    Now I will try to 'amputate' myself from the going's on of this past week or two to comment on this because I will never let any difference I have with the poet get in the way of acknowledging a good poem and yes, this is good! It's very raw throughout and keeps the reader on edge.. something that I feel a sonnet can never achieve.

    The opening line made it a reality for me and you followed through to keep me interested.

    EDIT

    This is a poem I would sincerely like to see on the front page...

    Also, please do not thank me here...I never check :)

    • 3 months ago

      by Ben Pickard

      Thank you, Hellon (just in case you came back to check whether I did anyway) :)

  • 3 months ago

    by Daniel

    This is quite different from what I’m used to seeing from you , Ben. You’re clearly as capable with freer verse as you are with the restrictions of sonnet writing. The word choice in this is very matter-of-fact, unflowery, bordering sometimes on spoken word, but I think this is very necessary!
    ‘Amputated’ from reality is a really apt image – clever verb use. I’m not usually a fan of adverbs unless they serve a purpose. ‘Lethargically’ was great, I imagined one of those scenes from a war film when the sound becomes muffled, and there is that sound of tinnitus over the screaming and commotion.
    The lack of full stops at the end of the stanzas…purposeful? I think it works. The second paragraph is my favourite. It paints a grim picture before the poem begins to develop a voice mid-way through. The language changes, it begins to become more like I’m hearing someone speak rather than hear someone describe a scene. The third paragraph reminds me of Brian Turner’s poetry, which is a compliment.
    The only issues I have with this are towards the end, firstly ‘and my eyes are certainly dull’. It’s kind of a…’meh’ image? I also find ‘certainly’ a little superfluous. Maybe a better adjective than dull? It would remove the need for ‘certainly’. I can’t imagine anyone saying it. I lose the voice.
    I also felt like towards the end you could’ve described the water rather than tell the reader it’s like sludge. I’d prefer to feel it? I get why you wrote it like that, I just think it limps a little towards the end compared to the sheer strength of the opening stanzas. Overall, it’s a very accomplished poem, and deserving of the front page, as Hellon said.

    • 3 months ago

      by Ben Pickard

      Thanks so much, Daniel. Great comment. It's funny, because I actually write a fair bit of free verse - people just don't normally notice, lol. Not sure what that says about it but there we go.
      The dull eyes bit refers to him dying but I do understand your issues with the last bit. Thanks for your honesty.
      Take care

      *change made on that 'dull' line. Not sure if it's better but you were right - there was something clumsy about it before

  • 3 months ago

    by Everlasting

    quietly now, quietly....

    That’s how I feel when reading the poem...
    That’s what I am telling myself....

    quietly now, Luce, quietly now write a comment

    shhhh...

    but the poem hits me

    Boom!

    I’m blown to pieces.

    • 3 months ago

      by Ben Pickard

      Lucero - I truly love your comments and poetry.'Unique' doesn't come close.

      Take care and thanks for reading

  • 3 months ago

    by Brenda

    Wow Ben, this is powerful! Your imagery was stunningly graphic. Well done Sir...

  • 3 months ago

    by Dreamofolwin

    I'm " blown away " by your poem Ben!!

    So graphic and REAL.

    Love it. It's EXCELLENT.

    • 2 months ago

      by Ben Pickard

      I see what you did there, Olwin.
      Thanks very much - take care

  • 2 months ago

    by Maple Tree

    you make my Jaw drop!

    • 2 months ago

      by Ben Pickard

      Thank you, Maple. Hope you're well.

  • 2 months ago

    by Milly Hayward

    A Haunting, macabre tapestry that captures vividly the horrors of war. Not a huge fan of non rhyming or war poetry I find your imagery and emotion pulling content to be spot on and worryingly compelling because the visuals are scarily accurate. A great write. Milly x

    • 2 months ago

      by Ben Pickard

      I wasn't a huge fan of war poetry until I read Wilfred Owen's "Anthem for doomed youth" and "Dulce et decorum est". They are masterpieces and the imagery in the latter is haunting and so vivid.
      Thanks, Milly

  • 2 months ago

    by Everlasting

    I saw it coming. I saw it coming and I just couldn’t run away from it. Really, your poem was the bomb. It hit me.

    Well deserve win. Congratulations.

  • 2 months ago

    by Darren

    wow

    not a rhyme in sight, no hint of a sonnet polluting this wonderful free verse.

    I enjoyed reading this Ben.
    congrats on the win.

    • 2 months ago

      by Ben Pickard

      Just as I was beginning to think of rewriting it in iambic pentameter...

      Thanks, Darren

  • 2 months ago

    by Milo

    You had my attention from start to finish. Your poems always have a way of catching my full attention. Congrats!