Comments : I wrote her goodbye

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Loved reading this, the mournful tones and soulful way you tied in poetry and loss with such grace.

    The way you placed "but you became real" on its own line, that showed the power and impact of this love. It was not a fantasy spun from your poetry but someone who held the depth of metaphors and similes, living, breathing, yet someone who holds free will. And there is no guarantee. No pinning down on paper and leaving it to dry. People come and go and sometimes we're left with the pieces, with the traces, and we have a choice to make. Will we ever say goodbye? When will it be time?

    If I had to critique anything, I would say that the first stanza feels stronger than the second. In the second stanza, I read "I breathe you and your rhythm" as a whole then had to re-read for clarity by pausing after "I breathe you", not sure if you'd want to add a comma then or re-work line placement. I just misread it at first and it threw me off. There is so much said in "but I exhale", and it's like that goodbye becomes tangible and gives you some sense of closure. "musical smoke" was kind of an odd phrasing? But I liked it. It wasn't an obvious choice like I would think "memories" or something else would be. Wasn't a fan of "quivering lips" since that seems a bit cliche, but maybe here it works?

    Really enjoyed this, Ben.

    • 2 weeks ago

      by Ben Pickard

      Thanks so much, MA. Alterations made. The 'musical' was supposed to convey the idea of her becoming her own being - she is still the poetry written but escaping and becoming her own entity, if that makes sense.

    • 2 weeks ago

      by Anthony Krieman

      Just reading the response made me want to check out your page!

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Anthony Krieman

    They do have a habit of taking on a life of their own don’t they? More often than not I find my own writing going down an unintended path than when my pen initially touched the paper.

    • 1 week ago

      by Ben Pickard

      Absolutely, Anthony. Glad you related somehow.

  • 1 week ago

    by Rania Moallem

    Oh My God. What a mesmerizing..piece. This is absolutely one of the best poems I've read lately! No exaggeration ! There is nothing to add after what you, MA and Anthony said but seriously this is a different level! Apart from the style itself I am deeply touched by the content. It's just such a creative piece Ben.

    • 1 week ago

      by Ben Pickard

      Thank you so much, Rania, that means a lot.

  • 1 week ago

    by Brenda

    Ben, hello....I hope this finds you well...I love this piece! Your descriptives create a picture, the words form the story and your amazing skills give this piece of poetry life. Well done sir!

    • 1 week ago

      by Ben Pickard

      Good to hear from you, Brenda. I'm keeping well and I hope you and all those you love are too.

  • 1 week ago

    by Maple Tree

    My Ben-

    This poem had me on the edge of a whisper. Its beautiful and sad and just breathtaking! I miss you

    • 1 week ago

      by Ben Pickard

      Thank you, Maple. I have missed you, too.

  • 1 week ago

    by Hellon

    It must be difficult to say goodbye to something you yourself have created. There was a certain deja vu about this verse I felt.

  • 1 week ago

    by Em (marmite)

    This is just WOW!

  • 1 week ago

    by Milly Hayward

    As always an amazing piece. Exactly as Em said WOW!. Im always blown away by your poems they never fail to captivate and amaze. Milly x