Loved reading this, the mournful tones and soulful way you tied in poetry and loss with such grace.
The way you placed "but you became real" on its own line, that showed the power and impact of this love. It was not a fantasy spun from your poetry but someone who held the depth of metaphors and similes, living, breathing, yet someone who holds free will. And there is no guarantee. No pinning down on paper and leaving it to dry. People come and go and sometimes we're left with the pieces, with the traces, and we have a choice to make. Will we ever say goodbye? When will it be time?
If I had to critique anything, I would say that the first stanza feels stronger than the second. In the second stanza, I read "I breathe you and your rhythm" as a whole then had to re-read for clarity by pausing after "I breathe you", not sure if you'd want to add a comma then or re-work line placement. I just misread it at first and it threw me off. There is so much said in "but I exhale", and it's like that goodbye becomes tangible and gives you some sense of closure. "musical smoke" was kind of an odd phrasing? But I liked it. It wasn't an obvious choice like I would think "memories" or something else would be. Wasn't a fan of "quivering lips" since that seems a bit cliche, but maybe here it works?
Thanks so much, MA. Alterations made. The 'musical' was supposed to convey the idea of her becoming her own being - she is still the poetry written but escaping and becoming her own entity, if that makes sense.
Oh My God. What a mesmerizing..piece. This is absolutely one of the best poems I've read lately! No exaggeration ! There is nothing to add after what you, MA and Anthony said but seriously this is a different level! Apart from the style itself I am deeply touched by the content. It's just such a creative piece Ben.