Comments : Oh, crackers! (senryu)

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Michael

    Crumbs! Pesky mice or hungry parents! :))
    Nicely done M :)

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    Hello,

    You know I like these. No, not mice, unless they are named, 'Jerry' aka 'Tom and...' Keira, ask dad, if you need context. Lol

    Nice start, a 5 syllable word.
    I have a suggestion for line 2. If you substituted, 'that are' for ' keep on' this will lead nicely into the, punch line.
    Title: for me, this is often a line worth using. It can, if pulled off right, complete the loop. If I may make a suggestion on your dad's excellent title. Title: ' oh, and crackers' this would mean, the last line and title flow seamlessly together.

    Nice work, Keira. Remember, these are just suggestions, the poem works ok without them.

    Take care.

    • 3 weeks ago

      by Keira Pickard

      Haha!
      Thank you very much for the suggestions. I like the idea of line two but i will keep the title as its meant to be like, " oh, damn!".
      Thank you again.

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Violet Raven

    In a traditional senryu it deals with human emotions and feelings. I love this because the very first word is almost onomatopoeic and that in itself should be praised because you let the reader know right away the feeling of the author themselves, you are infuriated. Such a perfect word to use for upset or angry and it fits perfectly well into the first line. But you must keep going on the second and third line to describe what is making you mad.

    I chuckled at the next two lines because they are funny and great. They also fit perfectly within the poem itself. The whole poem tells a profound story about a mouse or mice that keep stealing your cheese and from the wording they are not your pets but just there sneaking around eating cheese and whatever they can find.

    This is just personal preference but i think the poem would flow better without the comma in the first line. The title fits the poem well because i can see a little kid observing the mice as they sneak around.

    Genuinely excellent poem.

    • 3 weeks ago

      by Keira Pickard

      Thank you for your comment! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for the suggestion on the comma, too, I'll look into it.

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Lost star

    Lol, this made me chuckle and it is completely identifiable! Great little Senryu!

  • 3 weeks ago

    by hiraeth

    Nicely penned Keira!

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Meena Krish

    Nicely penned my dear I liked the image and it made me smile as I thought of Tom & Jerry! Keep penning!

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Emi

    This is excellent :)

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Keira Pickard

    Thank you all so much!

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Cheese and crackers and a nice glass of wine...
    Perhaps without vermin poo on top.

    A very well done.

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Daniel

    I wish I could blame a mouse for all the cheese disappearing in my house. Well done! A deserved win :)

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    congratulations - it just shows you, great things come in small packages!

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Brenda

    Well done young lady! Congratulations on your win!

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Michael

    Well done young Keira on your first win, with a clever little piece (like the cheese :) M

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Keira Pickard

    Haha, Thank you all so much!