You know I like these. No, not mice, unless they are named, 'Jerry' aka 'Tom and...' Keira, ask dad, if you need context. Lol
Nice start, a 5 syllable word.
I have a suggestion for line 2. If you substituted, 'that are' for ' keep on' this will lead nicely into the, punch line.
Title: for me, this is often a line worth using. It can, if pulled off right, complete the loop. If I may make a suggestion on your dad's excellent title. Title: ' oh, and crackers' this would mean, the last line and title flow seamlessly together.
Nice work, Keira. Remember, these are just suggestions, the poem works ok without them.
Thank you very much for the suggestions. I like the idea of line two but i will keep the title as its meant to be like, " oh, damn!".
Thank you again.
3 months ago
by Violet Raven
In a traditional senryu it deals with human emotions and feelings. I love this because the very first word is almost onomatopoeic and that in itself should be praised because you let the reader know right away the feeling of the author themselves, you are infuriated. Such a perfect word to use for upset or angry and it fits perfectly well into the first line. But you must keep going on the second and third line to describe what is making you mad.
I chuckled at the next two lines because they are funny and great. They also fit perfectly within the poem itself. The whole poem tells a profound story about a mouse or mice that keep stealing your cheese and from the wording they are not your pets but just there sneaking around eating cheese and whatever they can find.
This is just personal preference but i think the poem would flow better without the comma in the first line. The title fits the poem well because i can see a little kid observing the mice as they sneak around.
Like it, obviously you are a chip off the (Excuse the Pun) old block! I burst out laughing, because of bad memories years ago when, indeed, some of our special hand picked cheeses vanished from the tray before we could savor there expensive taste! Our little Girl Kari is now a mature Mum of 44 years old with our two beautiful grandkids, Grayson, and Crosby. I wish you all the Best as your Dad would say. You have some big shoes to follow. Added your Poem to my Favorites.