Comments : Dawn (Free verse)

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Lovely, Keira, and a perfect sequel to 'Twilight'. Brimful of lovely imagery. I stumbled a bit with the line 'as they shall fall with it' but apart from that, it is a lovely read.

    Love, Dad

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Michael

    An image of subtleness and the gentleness of dawn :)
    Another great free verse from Keira
    M

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    I'm going for early morning walks on a regular basis. Your descriptions are a great sample of what I hear and see. The only word that seemed off was 'drowsy' usually birds sound 'buoyant' as I catch a glimpse of them.

    • 3 weeks ago

      by Keira Pickard

      Thank you! Its hard to say - I suppose it depends on the morning and the birds! I might try to think of a better alternative.

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Star

    This made me smile :)
    Lovely words, I'm really enjoying your free verses!

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Yay, more free verse from you! Really enjoyed this one, but I felt like the first half of the poem was stronger. The third stanza sounded awkward in its wording of "everything rousing itself". Perhaps that could be re-worded/re-worked? Maybe because I usually hear "rousing" in terms of something rousing something else, not its self. I liked the "rising star" though. The mention of drowsy birds made me smile. That they, like us, are just adjusting and starting to talk and chatter and sing. "eachother" needs a space, and I thought you could strengthen the verb and tie it back to singing, without it sounding too cliche? And maybe use another word instead of "filled" for the second to last line, since you said "filling" in the previous one. Same with "new day", as in the second stanza you ended the line with that too. These are all subjective critiques though, keep in mind :)

    I also, personally, didn't feel the "good morning" was needed, since that feeling of rebirth, of the hope in dawn, is already present throughout. It was cute though, to end the poem like that, and I could see it kind of being that exhale of breath, the writer stepping out more to speak to the reader. The world saying "good morning, it's time to wake up but know things will be okay, at least in this moment".

    Glad you shared this!

    • 3 weeks ago

      by Keira Pickard

      Thank you so much for your wonderful comment! I was really annoyed that you noticed the 'filled' and ' filling' mistake - I was thinking of a synonym for it, lol
      I'll definitely look into your critiques and suggestions. Thank you again!

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Jack

    This poem is good and makes me think. Nice job! Are you really 13?!

    • 2 weeks ago

      by Keira Pickard

      Thank you! Yup, I'm thirteen - at least that's what I've been told, haha.

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Em

    This is absolutely stunning Keira and I'm pleased it's been nominated, I'm speechless well and truly. Good luck this week, I'm positive it'll be up there on the front page.

    Although, I do think the good morning at the end is a little unnecessary as it's apt throughout the piece that being said though, still perfect.

    All the best.
    Em x

    • 2 weeks ago

      by Keira Pickard

      Thank you so much, Em! I really appreciate the suggestion about the end X

  • 6 days ago

    by hiraeth

    not sure how i didn't come across this before, but love this!