by Violet Raven   May 24, 2021


Did writing your suicide notes make you feel
more alive?

No? Okay i understand.

I just smile and nod because sometimes I'm
too tired to verbalize... actually that's really
everyday. I swim through these waves of
tears at night, like you used to do- except

I don't get to see stars.


I apologize for not being physically involved
in your life because i was just another
decorative item stashed away behind mom's
clothing- sometimes irony hurts too much.

I almost escaped when you went to hot topic
for the first time in years and you saw the
pink shirt hung neatly shining in it's own
spotlight- but alas you were with transphobic

people that couldn't swallow their own egos to
genuinely smile and say yes you can get that
goddamn shirt. Now skirts on the other hand...

Even now i am scared because your alcoholism
metastasizes my memories.

It wasn't your fault. You needed something.
Rum and coke were your security blanket
for 4 years.

Perhaps your conscience gained confidence
after being sober-

but nah- it was always more fun to slur i love
yous to blurred faced strangers than to be
clean for just one day-

now it's been six years.

It's weird how coincidental being sober and
clean from self harm coexist. No- i have not touched anything hard besides myself since then.

We are intertwined James- I wanted to bury
you with my nonchalant attitude, but i should
be embracing the fact that you survived

somehow. You are my soulmate.
I hope we get to look at stars someday-

and laugh at the frivolity of our suicide notes.


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Latest Comments

  • 1 week ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    To say the poem is transformative carries much more than a double-meaning, it is indeed the most mature self-expression I have read from you in years.

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Everlasting

    This is one of those poems that I read from you that doesn’t sound like a list. I like the honesty in this write. It sounds sincere and that speaks to me the most. Thank you for sharing. As always all the best. Keep on writing.

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    It may seem cliche to say how powerful it is when someone speaks and shares their truth, but it really is. Always admired and felt moved by your honesty in writing, the raw emotions that can be so incredibly hard to process. The line breaks in this were perfect, especially with the mention of sobriety and the ups and downs of just trying to survive. That last line made my heart ache but also made me want to smile, as someone quite familiar with those notes and ideations too. The note about Hot Topic also felt too real, since I can remember shopping at a store and wanting to try on clothes that were labeled in another section, where men's and women's literally divided the place, if people would judge me, though clothes are clothes and a lot of the judgement and criticism was within my own mind.

    I love this piece so much and am really glad you posted this. I hope nothing but a sense of freedom, even in the difficult moments, so long as you are yourself and find peace :)

    Edit: forgot to add, I think there's a typo in this line: "people that couldn't sallow their own egos to"
    should be "swallow"?

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Rania Moallem

    Omg, I miss your poems and those shivers they give me.

    - this - . No- i have not touched anything hard besides myself since then.- I can't!

    Note to self? no? that last line, the title, the numbness that's so full of pain in your words, the self-proclaimed identity and the strength that's full of weakness in every line is heart breaking. This got me emotional. I can feel this poem. You went beyond raw and as if you poured your heart out.

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