The Walls Go Higher

by C Cattaway   Dec 27, 2022

The husband who told me to love
Like loving was the main thing
And to let down my guard, because
What we had was amazing.

That husband who still cheated,
When I'd lost one of our children.
The husband who went out all night,
While I believed I'd killed them.

Then let me feel the warmth, again,
As if we'd fixed our hearts,
And moved two hundred miles away
To rip our world apart,

And then to find him cheating
Once again. That reinforces
That I was not enough for him,
So we split, rather than force it,

To then meet my one true hearts love,
Who since I was a teen
Had wanted nothing more than for
His love to be so keen.

He knew the pain I'd been though,
First an abusive man, then that
Failed marriage, meant he wouldn't
Hurt me. No, he'd have my back..

Yet still he played games with my heart,
To win me, then to push me,
And turned his gaze to elsewhere,
Even though I'd been his groupie!

So many women loving him
Through online dating sites,
And no support at all from him
When my mother had died.

So onwards, trying hard to find
A man who meant the words
He spoke to me, with honesty,
And not with ones that hurt.

A long time being moaned at
For not wanting what he wanted,
Yet knowing he did things I couldn't
Like, his own thoughts haunted

By someone who'd treated him bad.
But I was not to blame,
Still he controlled me daily,
And that led me to more shame.

I finally met someone
Who could
Like the me I was,
Yet sabotaged that one, for someone
Who promised he was more,

And when he won me over,
After breaking someone's heart
He changed his mind, and carried on
Wishing for other tarts.

I swore I'd never love again.
Each time, I fall so easy.
And every time I'm broken,
I'm left feeling weak, and measly.

But then you came in to my life.
You had a different way.
You helped me understand my hurt,
And let me think you'd stay.

But somehow, you took what you needed,
While I cried at night,
Knowing I was giving, yet
You took, whilst shading my light.

No meaningful engagements
Or small tokens of your stead.
You wished away a life with me,
For the longing in your head,

As if the past can keep you warm,
Whilst laying in my bed.
You let me smile, and hope again,
Yet lined my heart with lead.

And now you get to make your plans,
Like all the men before,
And make memories on special days,
While I sit here, forlorn.

You all live life with friends around,
And I cannot take part,
Because I'm here all by myself,
With walls around my heart

To stop the broken pieces
Flying off, and leaving me
More broken than I've ever felt,.
Or than I thought I could be.

I'm jealous of the marriages
And families who all last,
And shame those of us crying
With the hope of all that passed,

Because I always gave my all,
With love, and honesty,
Yet here I am, alone again,
With no-one loving me.

Depression isn't just a word,
Or feelings burnt of fire.
It's horrid, sad, and lonely,
Only now, the walls go higher.

Copyright ©? C Cattaway 2022


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