Comments : Angels Darkness

  • 8 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Interesting story.
    I think if you break it into stanzas, each with its own themes, it would both articulate your story better and be more enticing to read.

    Also, the apparent murder seems to have occurred before the start of the poem, but there is nothing to connect her to the blood, no ownership or significant tie in.

    Nitpicking: 2nd line should read "river where the blood runs" or "river to where the blood runs"

    "spun" should be present tense "spins"

    "and covered" should be "and are covered"

    Finally, the latter part of the story is in the past tense, but most of the "earlier" part is in the present. Makes it seem the actions are reversed.

    Could use a rewrite & would be really good.

    • 8 years ago

      by The Moon Goddess

      Thank you for your help, I made some changes. Feel free to tell me anything I should work on in my writing.

  • 8 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Agree wit Larry - stanzas would be better but a great story with some wonderful imagery.