Comments : Blameless

  • 9 years ago

    by Normal is the Watchword

    Ug! When I first read through the title and the opening lines, I felt as though I were reading ANOTHER poem of self-harm that any child could have written. Alas, SURPRISE! I thought I would have been biased against this poem because of what I knew the subject matter to be, and because of your age, but you took something that nobody else did, find words to use that would give you a bit of depth to the poem. The problem is, that you will learn as you age, is that you should not use the word I more than once, we, as the reader, would know that after the first I that you are writing in first person. Your lines run long, they throw off your meter, free style if good but try and keep it in a patter of long and short if you can. What I loved was the words you used, "Estacy" "Essence" "Tolerate" and yes I probably spelt half of those wrong.

  • 9 years ago

    by xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex

    "Don't touch me. I'll contaminate you."
    haha.
    F.uck I love that line! Brilliant.

    Again, I liked it and I didn't. I liked the thought behind it, but I really think you'd be a stronger writing at prose. I'm not sure why, it's just a feeling.
    And forgive me if that's insulting, I'm just giving my opinion. =/.

    I don't know. It's like I can feel the emotion wanting to peak in your writing, but somehow, it just never seems to shine through. I know you can do it, I know you have potential...
    Just try to find that potential in your heart.
    Remember: write with your heart, not your mind.

    xox.
    xTheEcstasyofSuicidex 4.5

  • 9 years ago

    by Ixora

    "I don't want anyone to put me back together again, I deserve to be shattered."

    &

    "Don't be sad for me, be sad for yourself, you're much more important than I'll ever be."

    it was very hard to pick out anything that stood out here for me but those were ones i can really connect to right now. It shows you really ripped this from your soul hun...i hope things get better for you one day, there's no solidifying reason but there is hope *shrugs* people can do a lot on hope alone you know ((hope mind you not faith : P)). great poem 5/5

    *^*crow*^*

  • 9 years ago

    by Cayce

    Wow. This was long, but I could relate to it so much that I didn't even care.

    "It wasn't your fault"

    ^^ What a powerful way to start off a poem. I've heard so many people say this to me, and I just don't believe them. I've never been too fond of quotation marks and like "talking" in poems, but I think it works here.

    inked into the many fallen pages of a torn diary,
    etched bloodily into the flesh of my arms.

    ^^ Such great imagrey here. Your vocabulary is stunning. The second line is what sticks with me though, because it just brings back some hard unwanted memories. ><

    "Why do you hurt yourself?"
    I want to scream an answer to this question,
    yet I never do, never will.

    ^^ Oh my gosh. >< I know this exact feeling. So many people have asked me this, and I just never tell them, because they wouldn't understand. I know they wouldn't, so I just keep it locked away deep inside me somewhere.

    I smile condescendingly at their horrified faces,
    doing whatever I can to escape.

    ^^ Ahhh, this made an evil grin come over my face. Amazing.

    Anyways, I'd love to copy and paste everything that I can relate to about this poem, but I'd have to do the whole thing. Haha. It was brillantly written, and even though it didn't rhyme it had a great flow and held my attention the entire time. Your vocabulary was intellegent, but you didn't overdo it. It was pretty easy to understand or at least it was to me. The ending. Omg. I loved it. It even made me laugh a little. Amazing amzaing job, darling!!

    Keep writing!
    Cayce

  • 9 years ago

    by SiLeNtLy ScReAmInG

    "It wasn't your fault"
    The words follow me wherever I go,
    inked into the many fallen pages of a torn diary,
    etched bloodily into the flesh of my arms.
    Haunting me endlessly,
    echoing inside my mind in bursts of staining black.

    I liked how you used the quotes in this stanza Gaby. It emphasized the picture you started to paint even with this first stanza. Creative choice of words, not just bland words, but interesting ones that worked well in the metaphors. "Inked into the fallen pages of a torn diary" I could just picture that line, very descriptive. I'm not sure bloodily is a word, but it might be, and it did describe well what you were trying to say. "echoing inside my mind in bursts of staining black" I liked that description a lot. it was unique and I know of some of those echos. I like how all of the lines described the first 2 lines. they were adding emphasis.

    Okay see detailed comment on that one stanza now I'm gonna comment on the poem as a whole, don't ask me why, I just am. alright the poem was good, descriptive and powerful. The words you chose to describe everything were interesting, and good choices of words, and also powerful choices of words, but I think the flow of the poem might use a little work. Yes each line connected, and made sense too, but you could tweak the lines or the order of the wording to improve the flow a little bit. Play with the word order ha sometimes it can get frustrating, or annoying, but tweaking word order and choice here and there could make the flow better.

    There really were parts of this poem that reminded me of people I know, and myself personally too. Lines here and there I was like "ooohh that fits so well with what so and so says" and stuff like that. You did a good job with the poem Gaby. I recognized the line "don't touch me I'll contaminate you" from your title contest, I was considering using that title actually for the contest, but when I tried to write I got kinda stumped. Anyway also for this poem I liked the very last line "ha blameless" The entire poem just felt like someone speaking, very passionately, powerfully, but speaking their mind, I thought this line was just very clear of what you were saying and the emotions associated with the word and idea of blameless.

    okay I'm done rambling in the comment, I'm not even sure it makes sense.You did good with expressing what you wanted to say. It was very clear. I give you 5/5 for the poem. nicely done, but I really wanna see what you could do with a poem that has a set style, you're good with this kind of free verse stuff I want to see how well you could also do with a styled poem. ooohh and I also liked the quotes at the beginning of each line, I almost forgot to say that. it worked well in the poem. nice job.

  • 9 years ago

    by David

    This was excellent, your poems have improved so much! i loved how it flowed so easily. such a nice and easy read. well done.

    5/5 David