Comments : Breathless

  • 8 years ago

    by RoseBlood

    I like it, it is like a song to me woth a chourse and everything.
    The words are just so sweet, I wish someone said them to me...they're like a dream...:)
    I think that I know how you felt when you wrote the poem, I feel that way everytime I see the one I love, so breathless.
    5/5 Very well done.
    I'll keep reading.

  • 8 years ago

    by Teria

    "I will be strong.... I must be strong....
    Because with you my love.... I know I belong...."
    - Adore these lines. Absolutely amazing.

    The poem reminds me of like a broadway play, haha. It could so easily be made into one of those dramatic love plays where everyone in the audience cries plus a few on stage. It just grips the heart and pulls, pulls, pulls. Probably because everyone can relate to the emotional boundries set in the poem. One thing I would suggest though is losing the ellpsis. In a few spots they work (the ... dots ) but not everywhere like that. I know you're looking for suspesion, but that's a given without them. So, they're not needed everywhere, just a few places.

    Here's one place they're not needed:
    "If you thought I could breathe.... you were wrong...
    If only I could be that strong...."
    [If you thought I could breathe, you're wrong
    If only I could be that strong]
    - See? Works better without. At least in my opinion.

    Places it works:
    "I will be strong.... I must be strong....
    Because with you my love.... I know I belong...."
    [I will be strong ... I must be strong
    Because with you my love I know I belong]
    - First line but not second.

    "Ive been waiting...
    For comfort....
    For Solace...."
    - It works well here. Very well. (: Ive = I've though, darling.

    5/5 Even with the overused ellipsis. I absolutely adore the poem