Comments : Charity

  • 13 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    I loved the way you took the concept of charity and captured it so well. Usually when you think of charity is has to do with money and giving it to a organization or something, however, here, you're giving someone all you have. Beautiful thought. I loved how what you give this person aren't really everyday things I guess, kind of more unique and personal to that person. I just loved the imagery behind:
    'shriveled daisy chain from a muddied wrist' - great word choice here!

    'terra cotta leaves
    nibbling at my shoulders,'
    ^Loved the usage of 'nibbling' here. So original.

    You're such a brilliant writer, this is beautiful & something many can relate to. I loved your take on it though, spinning into your own thoughts and imagination. I love how you speak of giving these objects to this person you love, so they can have a part of you, be with you at all times because they have those memories of you. Love this!

  • 13 years ago

    by Blissful

    Mel, I loved this poem when I first read it in the challenge thread. I could truly sense the charity.

    "I offered to you"
    ^I think this would sound and flow better if you removed the "to" It seems like just a filler and the sentence can do without it.

    "The lily nuzzled"
    ^I LOBED "nuzzled" here! Created such a nice mood.

    "wrapped in a white dress
    that once waft a torn hem
    in April wind."
    ^Beautiful imagery! I could imagine the scene clearly in my mind.

    "nibbling at my shoulders"
    ^Loved "nibbling" ! Great choice of word to bring this sentence to life.

    "to find you plucking
    prickles from my hair,
    as you harvested wild flowers
    to present me with"
    ^Loved the "p" sounds here. Sounded so beautiful when I read it out loud, created a nice feel to fit in with your words.

    The ending is worded so simply but the meaning and power behind it is so immense! I love how you tied the beginning lines with the final lines, made the poem feel complete.

    Overall I truly enjoyed this poem because of the way it made me feel. That's my favorite type of poetry...one that evokes emotion.

    Five plus nomination :)

  • 13 years ago

    by Lu

    What can I say Mel ... your writing is breathtaking as always.

    Such an original piece. And the imagery of flowers, white dress and peach petals ... Ohhhhh just perfectly brilliant.

    Love everything from the word choice to the imagery created.

    Congrats on the win !

  • 13 years ago

    by Daisy if you do

    What a breathtaking poem. I loved the insertion of terra cotta, it wasn't so long ago I was trying to write a poem with that word in it. (Failed) But, you have done a marvelous job using it and other unique little words that pack in the imagery in this piece. All the while you write with such mystique and charm. Weaving away at your words leaving readers in awe of your poetess. Awesome job, loved the write.

    -Kay

  • 13 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I just love the idea of the title and how it relates to love- learning these three (faith hope and love) as virtues in my religion, I catch this sense that you are not alone and you are giving yourself wholly over to your lover, everything you are.

    "I offered to you,
    -all I had-"

    I like how you opened this poem up, I felt this showed power and a great sense of wonder as you gave such enormous sacrifices, whether with time or love or just in respect and trust. I felt this could have also been added in the end, it just introduces so beautifully with that strike of passion showing you did it all.

    "The lily nuzzled
    behind my ear,
    and a shriveled daisy chain
    from a muddied wrist -"

    Stunning imagery here, the use of a flower such as the lily nuzzling you and whispering all these fantasies, how you tied nature's glory and made it into awe and play.

    "wrapped in a white dress
    that once waft a torn hem
    in April wind."

    Love how the 'w's sound here, "waft" was a really neat choice and the flow is phenomenal here. I also like how you hinted at the season too and didn't add an article in that last line, which I find hard to do because sometimes you have to, wonderfully portrayed.

    "and I stood within
    all that was beautiful -"

    Ohhh Mel! These lines were so mystic and had that majestic power to them! This encircles the reader with sweet charm that you are everything beautiful and around you emits that.

    "terra cotta leaves
    nibbling at my shoulders,
    peach petals rustling
    at clumsy feet,"

    Lovely detail here, I like your definitions how you don't just use 'leaves'....nibbling was striking too, it is quite amazing to think nature is so alive, that you don't just 'feel' these breezes and witness them but go beyond that. "peach petals"- so childlike and free. going along with the next line.

    "to find you plucking
    prickles from my hair,
    as you harvested wild flowers
    to present me with"

    I like your subtle use of alliteration throughout this piece- you chose the verbs so well though. "prickles" is a word I would not have used or quite frankly thought of- it gave more indirect meaning but showed a wider variety than just saying "thorns" or "remnants".

    Those last two lines kind of reminded me of a servant and a princess getting ready to meet the queen- or some royal affair. How enchanting.

    "-all you had, and
    all we were to be-"

    Love this reminisce, how you describe these days that felt like paradise and went as deep as two humans could possibly live.

    I congratulate you greatly on your win and just contemplative imagery here that truly sets the scene in more wonderment than I could have conjured up!

    Take care always and please write more :)

    God bless you and Mary keep you!

  • 13 years ago

    by Cindy

    Congrats on your win :)

  • 13 years ago

    by Sungrl And Mrs Whatsit

    Drifts like the remembrances of
    a deeply felt dream..

  • 13 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    Beautifully penned. I love the imagery Mel. The word choice is great. Such a creative feel good piece. Definetly deserving of a win. Though I'd expect nothing less from you and your wonderful imagination!