Comments : The Less Fortunate

  • 6 years ago

    by Jenni

    Wow this is amazing, great flow and rhyme. This poem has a specific depth, unbelievable. This is a really stunning piece and i loved it! All the examples you gave and the conclusion you came to.. simply perfect! keep up the good work!

  • 6 years ago

    by BlueJay

    This is wonderful and it states some terrific points. good job.

  • 6 years ago

    by Meme

    This is one of the best poems I have ever read !!!
    The point you made has to be delievered to every single person on earth .. You never know, a small gesture from you, a nice word, even noticing their existance may cause a change in their lives ..

    5/5 and a nomination, I wish this poem could win !!

  • 6 years ago

    by Kyle

    Great work boet, enjoyable read (the topic isn't enjoyable of course, the poem itself) awesome.

  • 6 years ago

    by Britt

    I think the message here is a very powerful and uplifting (and guilt causing? lol) message. It brings out your emotions, gives you chills and makes you feel very somber. I have a few suggestions that would help with the flow and grammar of the poem, while keeping the basics of what the message is. Grammar and flow are very important in poetry, especially if you want to be noticed :)

    The first stanza is good, but the last line has a bit of thrown off meter.. I'd try this:

    "The man with a sign on the corner of the street
    He wouldn't be out begging if he had enough to eat
    Next time you see him don't walk away or laugh
    Never know what you could do with the change you have "

    I added apostrophes to the conjunctions, and changed "no" to "know". I edited the last line a little bit to clean it up, took out a few words that disrupted the meter.

    Second stanza:

    "The little girl in the hospital every day you see
    Hiding her disease from the likes of you and me
    Just talk to her, make her laugh and stop the falling tears
    You never know how much you help the moment she forgets her fears"

    Here I took out again some filler words to help with the meter, and changed "no" to know. I love the second line here, it portrays so much sadness and really holds the "meat" of the stanza for me :)

    Third stanza:

    "Family from the slums that barely survives,
    Just £1.50 a month can save tears from a million eyes
    With your help we can wipe out hunger, fight disease
    If you could stop a child from dying, wouldn't you be begging please?"

    I changed up the tense a bit and eliminated a bit more filler words. The last line originally got a bit confusing for me, so I altered it a little to try and clean it up and make more sense :)

    Fourth Stanza:

    The teenage lad looks different, so people tease and stare
    At home it's no better, it's like he's not even there
    One day he get home, locks his door and grabs a Sharpe knife
    If people took more notice, maybe they could have saved his life"

    Here I added apostrophes to conjunctions and eliminated filler words. If you take out a lot of your "that"'s, you could ease your flow and make it glide much smoother :)

    Fifth stanza:

    "You can carry on with your life forget, what you heard
    If you ever had to go through this, would you want help that day?
    When you see someone in need, look into their, eyes remember their face
    Cause if you think about it, deep down you could make a difference, could be their saving grace "

    Here I changed the there to their for correct grammar. I swapped around some words to clean it up and added some commas where there was typically a natural pause. :)

    I hope you don't mind my suggestions, just an offer of critique, you certainly don't have to take them. I think this is just a beautiful poem that with a bit of cleaning up can be absolutely fantastic! :) Amazing emotion, that's definitely something you cannot edit, alter, change, or fake. Incredible!

  • 6 years ago

    by Cinnamonspice

    You brought tears to my eyes, the truth are in your words. From this poem I can tell your heart aches for the less fortunate. Awesome write just awesome

  • 6 years ago

    by Meena Krish

    How true, its the small things that we do that
    makes a difference in a person's life and at times we just forget that and walk away..very well written with perfect rhymes. Liked it!

  • 6 years ago

    by Emily

    This is beautiful. It flows very well, I can almost hear it like it has a melody when I read it in my head. And it speaks about things so many people try to ignore and just push it away. Just because it isn't their reality, it still is reality. You have a lot of talent. You said I would like this poem, and I sure do! I love it!! Thanks for recommending it!
    -Emily

  • 6 years ago

    by Ebony Hope

    Oh my gosh, this piece is... this piece is... wow. Speechless and shocked, that's what this has done to me. Fantastic job, no wonderful, no amazing job.

  • 5 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    This is a beautiful message. Many people just don't stop to think about how there are plenty of people that are less fortunate than them. They think their lives are horrible yet they still have a roof over their head and a fridge full of food and are healthy. Others are not as fortunate and would be grateful to have even a quarter of what most do. This is a beautiful poem, I really love it. 5/5

  • 5 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    The man with a sign on the corner of the street
    He wouldnt be out there begging if he had enough to eat
    Next time you see him dont walk away or laugh
    You never no what you could do with that bit of change you have

    - great opening as I think everyone can imagine this man because we have all seen someone homeless and on the street and many of us often judge them wrongly.
    - typo on last line "no" should be know.

    The little girl in the hospital that every day you see
    Hiding her disease from the likes of you and me
    Just talk to her make her laugh and stop the falling tears
    You never no how much you help, for that moment she forgets her fears

    - again "no" should be know.
    - I liked this stanza because at first I thought you were writing a poem about this man on the street and then I realized your poem was going to be about many different people and have a message in it. I like the relation to the childs fears in the fact that a stranger can make them better by creating laughter. A very pricless and unique gift to be able to give.

    The family from the slums that barley survives
    Just £1.50 a month can save tears from a million eyes
    With the help from you we can wipe out hunger fight disease
    Because you could stop a child dieing, would you be begging please?

    - spelling error first line "barley" should be "barely"
    -2nd line has an icon infront of the money, just delete this and it will be fine.
    -3rd line, I would put a comma in between hunger and fight to seperate the sentence properly.
    -4th line, "dieing" should by dying.

    - Again another great truth in life about the money making a very big differnce to less fortunate people which we don't often realise, the simple thing like even affording to drink water or eat once a day. Every little helps.

    The teenage lad that looks different so people tease and stare
    At home its not any better its like hes not even there
    One day he get home locks his door and grabs a Sharpe knife
    If people took more notice maybe they could have saved his life

    - 3rd line - get should be gets because your talking in present tense. and Sharpe should be sharp.
    - I liked the impact this line had because it is true that people who are suffering badly might have not suffered as much if only someone was there for them, and this can be applied to many situations for people.

    You can carry on with your life forget what you heard today
    If you ever had to go through this would you want help that day?
    When you see someone in need look into there eyes remember there face
    Cause if you think about it deep down could you make a difference, could it be there

    Saving grace

    - 3rd line "there" should be their in realtion to their eyes. You should either add in the word and between eyes and remember, or use a comma to split it up.

    - I am confused about the last line, the way I think I can make sense of it is if you mean " could it be their saving grace" ? As is the less fortunate people getting grace and being saved and enlightened by the more fortunate people. If this is right and I have understood it correctly then you will need to change "there" to their, and add a question mark after saving grace, this will show it is a question.

    - I liked this idea and the message. I like poems like this which creates a strong message made up of lots of examples of life and situations, I have done this myself and you have done good a job.

  • 5 years ago

    by Thomas

    People say they want to help others but rarely do it.

    So many people in our society struggle and sometimes all they need is a smile.
    Little things can make so much difference.

    Good write!

  • 2 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Lovely poem, Tony - picked at random. Excellent and thought provoking.