Comments : The Last Nectarine [Tanka]

  • 1 year ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Jane,

    This is lovely and it's a travesty that it slipped under the radar, somehow.
    I don't often see you writing formed poetry (or haven't come across it, anyway) and this tanka particularly interested me because it's a form I've tried for the first time recently.
    I think, traditionally, they deal with love and matters of the heart, but they have come to be more all-encompassing; and a good thing too, in my opinion. The more scope in poetry, the better for us all.
    I like the use of 'thee' which lends a lovely flavour of the old to a form that almost begs for that sort of language. The imagery is heightened by the words such as 'snap' and 'burst'; they keep the reader right there - almost sharing your experience.
    If I had a quibble, it would be 'gulp' as the last word. I think it's because it clashes, somehow, with 'engulfed'. Maybe 'bite' at the end or 'consumed you in one gulp'. Not sure but either way, this is great.

    Take care,

    Ben

    • 1 year ago

      by silvershoes

      Good advice. I changed to 'consumed.' I suppose I liked the similarity between the words 'gulp' and 'engulfed,' but you're right that it was maybe too much. Thanks for reading!