Comments : Black Ballerina

  • 5 years ago

    by Melpomene

    Just posting my comment from Britt's contest.

    "This poem related well to the image. You used your visual senses to create the poem, I liked the way you saw the female as 'hard' and 'translucent' while still including creative imagery of your own by depicting the purple as 'fire.' You set the mood through your words; creating a dark atmosphere that was overcome by tragedy. Personally I wasn't too keen on the repetition of 'and' throughout the poem especially in the second stanza where it begins line two and three, I felt it unnecessary as was the overuse of 'she' also in stanza two. Once you have introduced a character through he/she/them I don't feel it necessary to keep on using them as the audience has an understanding already but this is again personal opinion. What I was most fond of with this poem was the fact the author was telling it from a perspective of watching, it was a situation where one must accept they can't do anything but watch as the person they care about Is spiralling out of control."

    -Mel

  • 5 years ago

    by Jordan

    "She's spinning out of control
    and it's all I can do not to hold her as she
    flies into a thousand shards of wine-stained
    glass and black spilled ink."

    I really like this stanza...probably the wine and ink references. I'd like to see the two middle lines collapsed a little bit. Mostly I just don't like the line break after "wine-stained" as the word "glass" doesn't really lend itself to the final line. Maybe something like:

    "She's spinning out of control
    and it's all I can do not to hold her
    as she flies into a thousand shards
    of wine-stained glass
    and black spilled ink."

    I hope you don't feel like I'm raping your work. I'm sort of trying to practice for a poetry writing course I'm taking. Hahahah.

    "Her mood's darker than before the dawn,
    and she's too fragile,
    and she's too hard - like translucent glass -
    while she beats against purple fires
    storming at her back."

    All I'd do here is fix up the punctuation. Maybe
    remove the hyphen at the end of line 3.

    "I wonder as my hands reach to her heart
    if she will come back to earth this time,
    or if I will have to go hunting in
    shadowlands
    to bring her home again."

    Does "shadowlands" need its own line here? I feel like it breaks up your rhythm.

    It's good, though! I sort of get lost in all of the fantastical images, which is exactly what you want to happen when you read a work like this.

  • 5 years ago

    by Britt

    I think this is favorite of the contest from you. I feel like I've told you that before already, but you had a few poems that I was just blown away with, this was one of them.

    I really liked where you went with this, when I first saw the girl in the picture I thought of a ballerina, too, maybe it was her hands, not sure. The use of wine-stained glass and black spilled ink to tie directly into the images of the picture played well with my senses. Really felt it was strong here.

    I know others commented they did not like the 'and' repetition (tsk, Mel lol), but I felt it gave the poem a little additional emphasis in the second stanza, and felt it worked really well.

    The ending with the idea of hunting to bring someone home hit home for me and my personal life, perhaps that's the attachment I feel here. Too often we see people destroying themselves and to feel that obligation to bring them back is so strong with some people. I thought this played on that idea really well :) Awesome write!

  • 5 years ago

    by silvershoes

    Thanks so much for the suggestions, guys! Jordan, I edited the first stanza and took out the hyphen in the second stanza. I think it looks better now.

    Britt, I like the "and's" too, I added them to create a different feel than the poem would have without them. However... I did test it out, Mel :)

    Thanks again! This poem is sort of a self portrait, I guess, from the perspective of someone who cares about me. I have a tendency to get lost in self destruction and I need someone to bring me "home" again.

  • 5 years ago

    by Yakari Gabriel

    Hallelujah,Hallelujah...
    Taking a moment to praise da lord Jenis.
    For his witty stalking invention...
    for now all this beauty.. appears on the shadows of my account news,like red roses on valentine's day.. as they fill my lungs and my eyes with such poetical beauty... ay ay ay
    (I might be under the influence)

    This was so achingly beautiful.
    OH my lord.

    lets see, I loved the..
    "and", "and" in the second stanza because it kind of gives it a musical feel,

    I don't know if I am making sense here,
    but this is about a ballerina, those and,and, gave the piece to me a spinning feel.
    I almost felt as if I was seeing her spin on her ballet shoes..

    I loved how you used "before dawn"
    when you could've simply said night..
    definitely gave it more feeling.. because other than the dark of lets say 10 pm..I thought about the darkness of lets say 5 am..
    well here in Aruba atleast, at 5 am..
    everything is so damn creepy..

    so it kind of fitted the atmosphere here,
    if you wouldn't have explained that it was a self potrait I probably wouldn't have figured it out.

    in my mind, it jumped immediately to a friendship, because I tend to befriend destructive kind of people I just wanna bring home with me..

    this piece certainly touched me,
    I've read it a few times now..

    and it just gets more poignant and beautiful.
    I got the black swan scenario in my mind too..

    such darkness.

    I love this,
    Beautiful people writing beautiful poetry.

    I love.

  • 5 years ago

    by Decayed

    So Jane... those were your poems which I favored them almost through all rounds! Amazing... :)

  • 5 years ago

    by A lonely soul

    Well penned from the dark corners of the heart.

  • 5 years ago

    by Saerelune

    "She's spinning out of control
    and it's all I can do not to hold her as she
    flies into a thousand shards
    of wine-stained glass
    and black spilled ink."
    ^ Have you ever tried drawing with ecoline (that's the french term, I don't know what it's called in English) and Indian ink? They're my favourite materials, and if you use them, oh, you'd feel exactly what you've been writing here. Free-flowing, yet harsh sometimes. There's much more movement allowable with these materials, yet they can be flashing as well. I know you've just bluntly stated the action here, spinning around, in the first line, but somehow it's intriguing. Perhaps it's the "out of control" that makes it much more dynamic, than, if you had just said "she's spinning" (or twirling, whatever the trend is nowadays). And somehow, the ink, the wine, they're romantic images, which makes the overall image almost elegant.
    Though I must say that the second line is a bit awkwardly worded. It seems almost intentional, and I enjoyed the perhaps insecure approach to it. But the vagueness is a bit bugging, since there's no indication what this "it's" is about.

    "and she's too fragile,
    and she's too hard - like translucent glass"
    ^ See! Exactly what I was saying. Ecoline and Indian ink. Translucent glass is such an obvious, bold image, though. Sometimes there's power in boldness. That's the case here. I guess I truly like the rawness of this piece, although everything is neatly worded and structured. Somehow it feels honest. You're truly trying to reach out and help this person out of her turmoil.

    "while she beats against purple fires
    storming at her back."
    ^ Very harsh image, she's truly breaking, and perhaps exploding (though that word would've probably had an humorous effect if used here). Again, dynamic, I'm not going to say vivid, because what does vividness mean when compared to movement?
    Somehow I am reminded of fists here. Abuse. I guess many people would consider this the more "dramatic" kind of poetry, an abstract type of poetry. But the beauty of this all is, although you're making use of unrealistic images, it's real to the reader's heart. It's because you know how to evoke emotion, not by bluntly telling us, but by bluntly showing us. And hitting us with it.

    There's nothing much to say about your ending stanza, because I'd be repeating everything again. I guess the only thing I'd change is this line:
    "or if I will have to go hunting in
    shadowlands"
    ^ It doesn't read right to me. I had considered moving "in" to the next line, so it would read "in shadowlands", but I'm not so sure about that either. I see the effect of cutting off this sentence, though, as if there's this quiver of sadness in your voice at that point, and you had to pause for a moment.

    What I also like about this poem is your effective use of minimal punctuation. Your poem breathes as it is shaped. And it's certainly well-deserving of its WIN-tag. Well done!

  • 5 years ago

    by Yakari Gabriel

    I thought of someone being observed by someone else.I had both of them in my mind with the intro,"she is spinning" the whole ballet show scenario. I love how this writer gives the darkness of the piece away in the title by adding the "Black" to it.. the tricky part is that you only realize that when you're done reading.
    she creates creepy images in the mind, with the dark tone she uses to keep the poem going..

    I think what I was most fond of in this write was how the writer changes from the ballerina to herself in the last stanza she does it with "I wonder",which served purpose because it gives you the feeling that the person is full of doubt yet full of hope as she ends with "bring her home again".. I guess maybe its the word "home" that added all the magic to this piece, it must be. that emotion at the end.. that word, think about it.. in your head.. when you hear it ..like a whisper "home" is just does something to you.

    silvershoes put on her poetic shoes, and she danced beautifully.

  • 5 years ago

    by Nicko

    Hey you, a very well written poem, from a poet who obviously understands the craft. Mature, succinct and full of depth. As to the full meaning? well I will leave to the poet, but we can all take something different from this poem which helps make it so magical.

  • 5 years ago

    by A lonely soul

    An eye catching title matching an equally remarkable verse, written from a protectors (a parent, a sib or a close friend) point of view, very touching. The poetess has projected the anguish of a concerned parent/sib/close friend in a 3rd person, so poignantly.

    She's spinning out of control
    and it's all I can do not to hold her as she
    flies into a thousand shards
    of wine-stained glass
    and black spilled ink.

    ^ I like the way that the state of the mind of the subject is captured in this opening stanza using the analogy of a "wine glass" spinning out of control, about to break up in a "thousand shards" (=pieces), and spill black ink all over (=breakdown?).

    Her mood's darker than before the dawn,
    and she's too fragile,
    and she's too hard - like translucent glass
    while she beats against purple fires
    storming at her back.

    ^ The darkness and instability of distraught emotions is compared very well here to the fragility and hardness of translucent glass, a dual metaphor. The color "purple" seems to depict the inner fires raging out of control, to the pre-dawn colors of the sky - another nice simile here to give the reader that feel of the explosive sentiments within.

    I wonder as my hands reach to her heart
    if she will come back to earth this time,
    or if I will have to go hunting in
    shadowlands
    to bring her home again.

    ^ A touching end stanza, portraying a protector's anguish, as he/she watches her disintegrate in front of his/her eyes, with a deep concern. Who will not be troubled, by seeing their loved one trying to commit suicide, by drowning herself in "shadowlands" (=a bar/dark places?). A painfully dark verse that moves the inner core of the reader, in heartfelt sympathy.

    (Judging comment 2-5-12)

  • 5 years ago

    by Emily

    This poem really touched me. So many times I have felt this way.

    She's spinning out of control
    and it's all I can do not to hold her as she
    flies into a thousand shards 
    of wine-stained glass 
    and black spilled ink.

    love this!!