Comments : Caught

  • 5 years ago

    by Jordan

    Ooh. Haha how interesting this is! Is it exasperation I hear? Or just acceptance of the truth?

    I'm not sure that I like this one a whole lot - since it's just a fragmented thought. It's nice as a short/sweet piece, but it doesn't hold a lot other than the obvious.

    Correct me if I'm wrong about the genders. It's just easier to assume. I can't quite put my finger on the male character. Is he not completing the kiss due to fear/anxiety, or is it a test to see if the lady is truly interested in putting effort into the potential relationship or what have you?

    If you couldn't tell, I'd like to see this built into something more!

    • 5 years ago

      by silvershoes

      Jordan, this poem is very simple and not wholly likable, I agree. It was a thought and I decided to write it down and post it. Been reading a lot of short, erotic love poems from India lately. The translations are simple, but I adore the "caught in a moment" feel. Guess I was inspired.

  • 5 years ago

    by A lonely soul

    Then you leaned in, two inches from
    my bloodless face;
    parted lips caught in a gasp,
    and I knew I had to complete the kiss,
    or you would never try again.

    ^"...fragmented thought Jordan? I think it is just the right length, illustrating her favorite phrase "showing is better than telling."
    It captures the essence of the emotions well, though it is more concrete than abstract, unlike her usual style.
    But, nevertheless captures the readers attention.

    O.o just broke my own promise! Dumb me!

  • 5 years ago

    by silvershoes

    LS, thanks for your awesome comment. Your comments are every bit as enjoyable to read as you claim my poems are :P

  • 5 years ago

    by Jordan

    Sorry, I phrased it wrong. It's not a fragmented thought. It's a whole thought. What I meant is that it's a single thought. It's well written for what it is, I just feel like it need a bit more.

  • 5 years ago

    by silvershoes

    "I can't quite put my finger on the male character. Is he not completing the kiss due to fear/anxiety, or is it a test to see if the lady is truly interested in putting effort into the potential relationship or what have you?"

    Hey Jordan! I forgot to respond to this the first time 'round, so here we go:

    This poem is about a guy I dated for 2 months when I was 19. The first time we kissed, he leaned in 2 inches from my face, then paused. Later he told me that the best way to kiss a girl is to lean in 80%. If she wants to kiss you, she'll cover the 20%. If not, you've given her enough space and time to evade, without having completely embarrassed yourself :P

  • 5 years ago

    by Jordan

    Haha! I was thinking that but wasn't sure.

  • 5 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    JaNe, jANe, JANE!

    Stop being romantic, soft, poetic, cute, ALL at once. Ergh. I loved this. Yes, it felt like a small part of a scenario in one of Jane Austen's noveletts. Didn't like the title, though.

    I love how you began it with a 'then', I like it when writers start with 'and, then, so...' It gives me a story-like sensation. Does that make any ounce of sense? Nope.

    I would nominate it but I want to be patient this week. :)

    Love you!

  • 5 years ago

    by Lioness

    Oh my,

    There is something sensual and beautiful about this piece that captivated me while reading the few lines.

    I actually find no problem with short poetry, if they feel complete when reading them and this one feels completed to me. I think it can be used as a quote as well as a poem. I was in awe of the image of a kiss. I absolutely love the feeling of being kissed, especially when done right and as Drew Barrymore said in 50 first dates - there's nothing like a first kiss :P

    The whole "I knew I had to complete the kiss or I'd never try again" kinda made me go :O please kiss!!!

    I adored this piece!

    x

  • 5 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    Interesting write Jane. I like how it was simplisticly short and to the point. Nice write. Keep up the great work. :)

    Peace and love, Joe

  • 5 years ago

    by Hellon

    Have you ever watched the movie...While you were Sleeping? This so reminds me of a scene from it...Joe jnr..fancies Lucy and 'leans in' Jack sees it and later tries to demonstrate to Lucy what leaning in means...it's such a romantic movie and full of innocence (ok.. some deception also haha)and so was this verse Jane...I really, really liked it!

  • 5 years ago

    by Naughtymouse

    I have to say i loved this write.

    Just like a kiss, one that last a few seconds can just as amazing as one that goes on and on :-)
    and that moment just before a first kiss with someone new....the hesitation...is a wonderful thing and adds to moment untold :-)

    I like how there is just enough to feed the imagination and i really enjoyed reading it :-)

    Love it, but im a big softy so i will lol

  • 5 years ago

    by Darren

    Very sensual, great emotion in this, for a small piece it tells a much bigger tale.
    Every word you have used here earns its place and says as much as a 20 line poem. Great job

  • 5 years ago

    by Nicko

    Is it me or am I seeing more of these short poems lately? Never the less, a captivating 5 lines, much in the same vein as Melissa would write, chocked full of intrigue and innuendo. Does your lover discern your anxiety, Maybe? Like two dancers not quite in sync, dancing around the uncertainty of the inevitable