Comments : Beneath the forgotten roses

  • 5 years ago

    by Jenni

    Oh wow, I think that this poem really has an eerie atmosphere though I've not seen the use of roses in dark poems before, which I thought was quite interesting nonetheless. I am so glad you write in this form because it suits you so well.

    The only thing that bothers me about this poem is the lack of puncutation; if you had punctuated it properly then you have a bit more control over the flow, which also allows you to decide when to increase the suspense.. other than that good poem. :)

  • 5 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Wow, this was an unexpected dark poem. I like the twist in this poem, how you narrated the dead murderer, and it made us see his viewpoint in a way.

    I like the use of the dark roses in this poem, it emphasized the eeriness and bad part of this person. I like how you started with the mention of the roses, and ended with it. It was a lovely touch to this poem.

    I would love to know more about the inspiration of this poem!

    Well done!!

  • 5 years ago

    by Decayed

    Tony! I know how you write, and if your name wasn't found up there, I wouldn't have guessed it was yours! (+ve of course)

    This is super awesome, so eerie and the structure, the grammar, all perfect!!!! It sent some shivers.

    cool narration from a murderer

  • 5 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    I am sorry it took me a while to get to this Tony...the Olympics taking up my time today :)

    This is very dark, the title sets up the scene well and here I am finding myself getting chills from your words,

    A really great poem, definitely a good piece in terms of flow and atmosphere...
    xx

  • 5 years ago

    by Dagmar Wilson

    This is one unique dark poem well done
    I love the part that lives beneath forgotten
    roses

  • 5 years ago

    by DarkLight

    Vry nyc hit,gud work

  • 5 years ago

    by DirtRoadGirl

    As always you have created an amazing work of art. Sends chills up your spin... please do not ever stop writing :)

  • 5 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    I've been meaning to write my comment on here for days now... just haven't had the time. :/

    Anyway, this is spectacular, Tony! When I seen the title, I was like "ehhh, roses" because it is used frequently in poetry, but it works really well here with the dark tone. I don't think I've read a dark poem mention roses in this way... I love it. :)

    You always tell stories and I adore that. It's always something new. Is Dave Thompson Jr real? Did he really murder thirty four women or is this just your creativity talking? I guess I could do some research...but I'm lazy. hahaha. PM with answers if you want. :)

  • 5 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    As I walk through the grey mist of night
    I come across a bed of roses,
    brittle with a dark essence.

    - I like it when you begin to read a poem and within the first few lines you instantly feel like you are at the scene and can see everything the writer is describing. It makes me want to read on and find out more about the story. Your wording in this beginning really draws my attention through your descriptive word choice.

    Each one slowly crumbling to the rough earth,
    below, as I look up I see
    an old grey stone.

    - "slowly crumbling" - love this term, I can clearly see the roses dying and the life just fading out of them. I also like that this stanza ends with what you have found because it creates curiosity as to what this headstone is and who it belongs to.

    I lift my frost bitten hands and wipe away
    the years of decay; my eyes open wide
    to a small engravment -

    - You gave an idea of how much time has truly passed here with the phrase " years of decay" so we know it has been abandoned for some time. The relation to the hands being frost bitten is interesting because there could be a number of reasons for this which is up to the reader to work out for themselves.

    RIP

    Was killed by hanging for the murder of
    thirty four women on 2 August 1912

    Here lies Dave Thompson Jr.

    - was really not expecting this, my mouth literally opened wide when I read this, what a shock. You know it really made me think that all the people who have created such devastating disasters, all have or will have headstones somewhere someday, just like everyone else... that is quite a sickly thought.

    As I read the name, my life flashes before
    my eyes; it's been one hundred years
    since I killed them.

    - great twist in this poem here, such a unique idea to turn yourself as a writer into the person in the poem. I have never seent his done before and it is awesome!

    Tomorrow my grave will be gone,

    but no one will ever forget the horror,
    that lives beneath
    the forgotten roses

    - Loved the way you ended it with the same power you began with. This thought stays with the reader and jumps out. The way you used such a beautiful flower in this dark poem works so well. In one way it shows of some of the affects in which this man's actions has caused... the wilting of the flower, crumbling and suffering.

    Such an interesting piece and very very unique.

    5/5.

  • 5 years ago

    by Lostlove1

    As I walk through the grey mist of night
    I come across a bed of roses,
    brittle with a dark essence.

    I adored the grey mist of night. It automatically gives the poem an eerie setting. The next two lines point me to the feeling this may be a grave.

    Each one slowly crumbling to the rough earth,
    below, as I look up I see
    an old grey stone.

    ^^Yup, there it is...I knew it! The opening paints the picture but I am wondering to myself..hmmm what color are the roses? IDK why...

    I lift my frost bitten hands and wipe away
    the years of decay; my eyes open wide
    to a small engravment -

    Ah, it is winter..I am getting a great picture now

    RIP

    Was killed by hanging for the murder of
    thirty four women on 2 August 1912

    Here lies Dave Thompson Jr.

    A Serial Murderer, this was really unexpected and gruesome.

    As I read the name, my life flashes before
    my eyes; it's been one hundred years
    since I killed them.

    Your life before perhaps, like reincarnation maybe... this is a strange twist.

    I loved my life flashing before my eyes. This was powerful and visual.

    Tomorrow my grave will be gone,

    but no one will ever forget the horror,
    that lives beneath
    the forgotten roses

    This reminds me of someone who went on a killing spree back in the 80s I read about. He got like 3 girls in michigan back in 1983 and one of them was a co-workers daughter.
    I still can see her face after all these years.
    He killed many others in other states.

    Effin monster.

    but no one will ever forget the horror,
    that lives beneath
    the forgotten roses

    Powerful ending :( sad but true. This poem jogged my memory and sent me reeling back in time. Good job!
    Lostlove~

  • 5 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Like some of the others said, I was not expecting such honest darkness here, and you wrote it with a lot of power invoked too.

    I love your titles and how you incorporate them into the poem! In the first two stanzas, I wasn't a big fan of repeating "grey", but that's just my opinion, it was something small. I think you set the scene well though, it was eerie, you brought about that feeling of coldness and gloom when visiting the gravestone.

    "As I read the name, my life flashes before
    my eyes; it's been one hundred years
    since I killed them."

    Wow this is deep, again, was not expecting this and it just sent me shivers.

    "Tomorrow my grave will be gone,

    but no one will ever forget the horror,
    that lives beneath
    the forgotten roses"

    I love the four lines here, how you spaced it out too that give such a conclusion to what you say, but not an end to the remembrance and the terror of it. Wow, this was really unique, I enjoyed this a lot. Dark writes can be hard to get just right but I felt so much in this one. You tied the whole "forgotten roses" part neatly here. Thanks for sharing....

  • 5 years ago

    by Meme

    First of all, I love the title, and the idea of forgotton roses all abandoned is capturing and it shows a great deal of sadness although the piece itself is all dark.

    And I am wondering as well, is Dave Thompson Jr real?
    If ot, then zi think that your amazing storytelling skills had convinved me that he actually was here 100 years ago.

    Wonderful and interesting piece Tony :-)

  • 5 years ago

    by Axelle

    So...is Dave Thompson Jr. a real person? Last time you mentioned a serial killer in your poem, you said that he wasn't real so I am just curious again ^.^

    I like the way that you do these dark poems, Tony. It makes me have chill up and down my spine because things like this do happen - some are more brutal than others.

    Typos: There is only one that I can see in this poem - third stanza, first line, 'frost bitten' is supposed to be one word, 'frostbitten.'

    As I read the ending, I never expected that :/ but that makes it all the more creepier. More chills...even though I am glad that this isn't true, Tony! Very powerful images here.

    Excellent
    5/5

    ~S

  • 5 years ago

    by Aaron

    Had to look up this Dave Thompson Jr. character and I found nothing so, I'm assuming he's not real. Not a fan of "dark poems" but this one was good. Had a very good opener, and a good closing stanza as well.

    The imagery was brilliant giving it that dark kind of feel and the poem flowed very nicely, great piece.

  • As I walk through the grey mist of night
    I come across a bed of roses,
    brittle with a dark essence.

    ^^
    This first stanza really sets the scene. Makes the reader feel as if they're actually there with you or is actually the person walking through. A great scene - desribed in detail.

    Each one slowly crumbling to the rough earth,
    below, as I look up I see
    an old grey stone.

    ^^
    In my mind I can see the roses: wilted and brown-black with decay.. crisp to touch, crumbling to dust at the slightest vibration or movement.

    I lift my frost bitten hands and wipe away
    the years of decay; my eyes open wide
    to a small engravment -

    ^^
    'frost bitten hands' - so the setting is winter I take it? It somewhat adds to the eerie, imposing feel of the piece. Just adds detail to the scene.

    RIP

    Was killed by hanging for the murder of
    thirty four women on 2 August 1912

    Here lies Dave Thompson Jr.

    ^^
    This one stanza adds volumes of dark emotion to the piece. Anything with the word 'murder' in it would do that I suppose. Nicely arranged here.

    As I read the name, my life flashes before
    my eyes; it's been one hundred years
    since I killed them.

    ^^
    Are you implying that you were the executioner? Or perhaps an angered citizen avenging the death of a family member or friend..? This makes me think that you yourself aren't alive - perhaps a ghost? - because you would be over 100years old!!

    Tomorrow my grave will be gone,

    ^^
    So you are the murderer? And you have committed suicide? or am I reading into this all wrong?!
    'my grave will be gone' - is the cemetery being relocated or just simply demolished for construction..? What am I saying, that's not even important here!

    but no one will ever forget the horror,
    that lives beneath
    the forgotten roses

    ^^
    'the forgotten roses' - I love this line. It speaks volumes. So much power behind those words and much emotion too.
    The very reason I was drawn to the poem in the first instance.

    Overall;
    A very dark piece, but a really enjoyable one. (:
    I love that there were so many elements to this piece. There was a depth that I didn't expect there to be.

    No critiques. I love it as it is.

    Brilliant write. 5/5

    Comment revised:

    'As I read the name, my life flashes before
    my eyes; it's been one hundred years
    since I killed them.'

    ^^
    I misread this when I was first analysing it. I thought you had written 'since I killed HIM' not 'them' -- quite a different meaning.
    My bad.

    The following line makes all the more sense now. lol

    Either way it was an unexpected twist.

  • 4 years ago

    by Marcy Lewis

    Is this a poem about a serial killer? Wow...this is seriously interesting. And what's even more interesting is how old the date on the grave is. It's like an old-timey serial killer, so it's very thought provoking. What methods of killing did he have? How did he rid the scenes of evidence? The fingerprint systems, I'm sure, were not yet in use - and he evaded easily. Did he stalk the victims? Did he hurt their families? If you crafted this person - brilliant. If not, still brilliant.

    "As I read the name, my life flashes before
    my eyes; it's been one hundred years
    since I killed them."

    Either this person is a reincarnation of him or the serial killer's spirit. This is truly a twisted poem. And it's freaking cool. Write more of these.