Woow Tony and Chels this is great, cant tell whoo wrote what, its perfectly written.
So dark awesome job!!

Great write and read. Serenity turns to personal hell. Purgatory of the mind. I like how the stanzas are broken at the right moment.

I love how it highlights the classic quote we are our own enemies. It is beautiful and very inspiring. I love the word choice and the way it flows from line to line keeps me hooked right from the beggining.

Wow, so much is great about it, I don't know where to start, it has great flow and description, and word use and metaphors and imagy and so on

Darkness is my gravity. As it weighs
on me, bare skin brushes against rocks,
dirt, and bacteria life that neighbors itself
next to me. Held against my will, forced to
breathe the atmosphere of the defeated.

- nice strong opening with a clear emotion of the darkness relating to the title. It is very eye catching with the word choice which all create this heaviness of depression. I also get a sense of being trapped, like this has appeared before you and you cannot see a way out and feel it forcing you further towards the darkness. Really strongly worded.

The ebony sky opens to cleanse my sins,
lavished with drops of purity. Fate rekindles
its passion with evil in the form of a smile,
while the sound of the thunder cracks,
consuming my mind, life no longer in my grasp.

- in here I get the feeling of loss of control. You begin to feel the darkness all around you and taking over everything, including the person you are. Your relation to thunder shows how rough it is to go through. evil being in the form of a smile is very clever, I believe this to be the times when we think we feel better, believe the darkness is going but then it is a false hope and before we know it, the darkness consumes us again.

Death is upon me and I can't seem to grip
it just yet. Is this what happens when one
dooms their innocence to the frayed? Surrender
to the wicked and let it pounce on top of them.

- This is such a tough place to be, it is being on the string of hanging on, but to what you have no idea. You look at ways out and only see this option but yet there is something that stops you from grasping it. Sometimes it does feel easier to let it just get on top of you and admit defeat to it.

Basking in the ambiance of His howling
moon, hidden demons escape my subconscious;
chains intoxicating my veins with a deadly
concoction - loneliness, fear and freedom.

- ohh - I really love this bit. Very dark and deep and love His having a capital H, emphasises the power. The emotions you add at the end are very true to be deadly together, it is what makes the darkness even darker and feel impossible to see any light. This verse is worded so powerfully, I can relate to the emotion and think its fantasticly done!

My own mind has betrayed me and all this ever was...

Was a mere illusion telling me I wanted to live.

- liked your choice of ending, leaving you in doubt of your own thoughts which I would imagine goes back and forth as to what you think is real and what road you should follow. Nice work on seperating them to stand out on their own, giving the final message which also explains your title.

Great work from both of you - enjoyed this and added to faves. Hope to see you both do more?

xx

This was such a great collab! Congrats you two :) The atmosphere and the wonder of it took my breath away...especially that last line "was a mere illusion telling me I wanted to live" - the questions are endless here. A battle's going on inside.

A chilling write

Most collabs are easy to tell who wrote which parts, but I couldn't tell here :P I couldn't pick a favorite line though, seeing as the whole poem was brilliant. I love the title and the whole idea of the poem. Great collab, you two!

Wow such amazing feedback!! Thank you guys so much!! We did better than I thought Tony lol epic!

This is amazing! So much raw emotion, even with it being masked by metaphors. You two work very well together, and I hope you collab again soon.

So, it's a collaboration between two amazing writers, Chelsey, who always has this power when she writes, like it's just being thrown at you without taking a breath and Tony, who just captures darkness and sadness like no other with a steady but eerie pace, put it together and you get a masterpiece of darkness, emotions, and total control...this IS epic, and not just because it's written by you guys, but because it tells a story yet doesn't read like one, I could feel everything...and the added faith in here (probably the part that Chelsey penned - and greatly may I add) gives the piece a new meaning, because I know that in many religions, Suicide is a sin...however, we ponder on choices He makes and our own too much and sometimes what we feel in the moment, is the right thing, not always the best or easiest, but what we were meant to feel...However we don't always think about our choices, and make them in haste or without realising it, and that I think is the base for this piece, that we don't think enough before we act.

I am rambling, but this piece really provoked my thought train and this piece is just awesome.

Great job guys x

I do love collabs that mesh together... You two wrote a powerful piece on the darkened thoughts... of a depressive nature... the ending is very powerful.... love love love this!

The abrupt line breaks in the first stanza are very distracting to be honest. They are so abrupt that it is jarring to read them. It also makes the line transition a bit out of place. I really like your diction here, the intensity of your word choice, but they are less noticeable due to the current line structure. The intensity of your dialogues most of the times, can be determined through a suitable structure. Most of the dark poems are often structured irregularly and not on a regular pattern whereas as if I am reading an almost rhymed or metered poem.

For example,

Darkness is my gravity. As it weighs
on me, bare skin brushes against rocks,
dirt, and bacteria life that neighbors itself
next to me. Held against my will, forced to
breathe the atmosphere of the defeated.

^ in my humble opinion this would read better if it is structured as below:

Darkness is my gravity.
It weighs on me,
bare skin brushes against rocks,
dirt, and bacteria life that neighbors
itself next to me,
held against my will,
forced to breathe the atmosphere
of the defeated.

Darkness is my gravity. As it weighs
^ "as" should be removed, as for me it is a filler.

held against my will,
^ either you lower case the "held" and incorporate comma before this line or change it to "Hold" instead.

This is just an example of how the structure should be, of course, Tony, this is my opinion. :)

The wording is perfect, I love it and I really really like it, just thought I should point out what I think is off in this poem.

You and Chelsey did a marvelous job, your minds seem to work in synchrony.

The dark tone all through this piece was spectacular!

The wording seemed perfect in painting this image in the readers mind.

And I absolutely loved the pauses towards the end of the piece. Its like the statements were meant to deliver the message in a loud clear voice.

Well done guys!
xxx

As stated a few times, you two mesh so well together! I demand more collabs! :)

I don't have the time to break it down and whatnot, I'll just say that I love the word usage throughout the poem, as well as the vivid imagery.

The second stanza and the ending are my favorite! Love <3

Oh my god. This is awesome. o.O
You guys...do another one. Seriously. You guys mesh perfectly. IN MY FAVES. The imagery in this is so vivid.

"The ebony sky opens to cleanse my sins,
lavished with drops of purity."

"Surrender
to the wicked and let it pounce on top of them."

"chains intoxicating my veins with a deadly
concoction - loneliness, fear and freedom."

BAAAAAH that was perfect. It's so dark, almost eery, and it has a humid feel about it. Like a chokingly humid feel. Your words together = brilliance.