Comments : Love's Eternal Touch(collab)

  • 10 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Snow falls from the sky,
    Ghosts of former lovers walk hand in hand,
    The cold doesn't seem to touch their once ago love,
    They move like nothing could be wrong,

    - I like the idea of a dark/ghostly tone mixing with that of the love/romance tone, very unique and picks up my interest about where this story will go.

    But peeking from the pavement,
    A lonely flower grows limp,
    Petals already torn by arctic winds,
    Disappear beneath their feet

    - the tone changes suddenly here and it becomes sombre, like something has just died. The use of the flower and the weather here is well put together and worded, it shows the change in the story and it has very strong imagery. I almost get a sense of the lonely flower being on a final thread, and now it has just snapped.

    Ballroom music fills the air,
    Twirling round and round,
    He bows and the dance begins again,
    Trapped in a time of love

    - again, change of scene, and also the tone is slightly different. It becomes more upbeat, perhaps I think the flower from before has been saved? I like the idea here of how things carry on, become routine as if they have to carry on no matter what has happened. I like the ending line of being trapped inside a time of love.

    Snowwhite dancers descend from heaven,
    As the sky stands still, forever frozen
    Before their heat retouch the barriers of life
    Everything seems to last forever

    - snowwhite, should be two separate words I feel, and if you describing them as white as snow, I would use snow-white dancers.
    - also retouch I feel should be retouches.

    - the ending was quite mixed, I felt it represented that trapped feeling. Like being caught inside it forever without an escape. Perhaps love is lasting forever in this story and they have found their fairy-tale love.

    Nice work together. I liked the title choice.