Comments : Hold me

  • 3 years ago

    by BlueJay

    I love love love this piece. It is simple and wonderfully penned. i like that your profile says you are just learning english (as old as that may be) it makes it a little easier to go through this with a fine tooth comb - for your sake I hope.

    The autumn fly around us.

    ^ this should be reworked a little like fly should be "flies" actually. Otherwise this is a wonderful introduction.

    I am a leaf in your hand.

    ^ Awesome imagery, I really like this line and how it feels to the audience.

    The dark can be dangerous...

    ^ Great use of the "..." trailing off.

    the wind blows wet, cold sand.

    ^ Interesting transition here from your previous line.

    Hold me forth... in your hand.

    ^ STUNNING conclusion! You really left an impact on me after reading this.

    Your heart and voice definitely shine through in this piece and it is wonderful :)

    • 3 years ago

      by Steven Croat

      Thank you for the analysis! :)
      I am very grateful for it!

  • 2 years ago

    by rock serenade

    A short but a deep one !! my Fp: THE DARK CAN BE DANGEROUS ...

    in fact it is , however it teaches us how to become couragous it even inspires us sometimes ;)

  • 2 years ago

    by Em

    Steven, I love this piece it's so serene and beautifully written.

    The autumn flies around us.
    ^^
    A wonderful introduction, nice simple scene setting.

    I am a leaf in your hand.
    ^^
    I move the imagery here and being a leaf in someone's hand, it paints' a picture of fragility.

    The dark can be dangerous...
    ^^
    Yes, the dark can be dangerous as many bad things can happen there and there's unknown things there too apparently.

    the wind blows wet, cold sand.
    Hold me forth... in your hand.
    ^^
    I love this ending because it's like your holding your heart on your sleeve wanting to be held in your fragile state in someone's hand because they could easily crumple that leaf, like your heart.

    Beautiful, Em