Comments : Flakes of time

  • 18 years ago

    by Feline Fatigue

    A good way to express the way life is, and you blend it very well!

  • 18 years ago

    by Drew Gold

    Vivid imagery.. thats basically the backbone of this piece and it uses it very well.. to me it really does give a different look at things.. i could see the paint separating,.. i think rust might be a good thing to add to the visuals but thats just me.. good job..

  • 16 years ago

    by Bret Higgins

    I love the idea you have here. It's great creative imagery but from line two you start running into problems.

    You use flake twice in what is essentially the first sentence. You don't need the second use at all and the line stands up just as well with out it.

    sole should be soul.

    Is the lint buried with the spade of mother nature or by it? Think about that.

    The wall is repainted,
    New life is created,

    Superb stanza there, perhaps you should let it stand out more than it already does. If you choose to you'll have to reformat the way the poem is put on the page but it may well be worth it.

    In the last line you can drop 'it'. It's clunky and really unnecessary.

    Again, I believe the premise for this poem is inspired. A little spit and polish and you'll have a poem with real power behind it.

    Bret