Read separatly, each stanza is very good. Together, the second stanza throughs it off slightly. The lines are a bit longer and the rhythm therefore, changes. I am being very picky here but finding a way to shorten what you are saying in this stanza will definitely improve an already good poem.
Ooh I like the ending! I agree with Sarah though, the stanzas are very good seperately, but the second one throws you off a bit... Try taking out one or two syllables from each line in that stanza, it should improve the flow to make it more like the rest of the poem. Well done though it is a good poem!
Wow, jess! i love this poem. its sooo cute. really it is. your so good at rhyming.! your poems are absolutely beautiful and i hope one day i can be as good as a poet as you :) i miss you! hope your having a good summer. xxx
I just love the first two sentences Jess! You really drew me in if not any other reader...It really made me wish this poem was longer because when you start off with a great stanza it makes the reader never want to stop reading!! I just loved the last two sentences as well..so even though I wished it was longer...you ended it very well!! Great job...5/5 of course!
Well. I have already left a comment for htis one but it was short. So I am going to leave a much better detailed one. :]
Veryvery great Stanza to start your poem off with. Put so much sadness and emotion within it. I thought it was brillant. I really loved it. Specially the flow and how it rhymed. Great Job.
I liked the second one aswell. The "My brain waiting for my heart to delete" gave great feeling. Sorta how I felt when I left my boyfriend of nearly 16 months cause he cheated on me. Nearly reminds me of just how I felt. So wonderful job on that one aswell.
Then the last stanza was absolutely amazing. Perfect start and a perfect ending. I loved all the emotion you caputred about pain. Seemed like it was me or my very close friend or a loved on that was telling me this, or me over hearing them telling God to. Again, lovely work Jessy.
Whoa..Okay sorry about this lengthy comment but I have done all your recents, least I am pretty sure and most have so many comments it's so hard to flip threw and look. Hope you are alright.
11 years ago
by Robie Lincer
That was a pretty good poem! girl you got the talent in writting poems! i am speechless