Comments : They Never Left

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "On new years eve, you made my chest explode
    when you whispered words of non-deceit,
    because it really took me by surprise
    when I didn't taste poison hidden in your breath"

    - First line: Not to be nitpicky here, but should "new years eve" be capitalized like "New Year's Eve" since you're specifically talking about the holiday? I do love how right away, you stress how this person shocked you by telling the truth. The image of one's chest exploding makes it painfully clear.

    "All my life I've been hiding myself
    in the twilight of honesty,
    and the tire tracks of tanks,
    hoping to avoid the love bombs"

    - So poetic! You have a distinct voice here and like I've read in a few of your other pieces, newer ones, I find a beauty when someone can reveal their past or the journey they are on now. Like contemplating where they've been and how they've come this far. The wording of "twilight of honesty" is beautiful and something I haven't heard of before.

    "All my life I've had annoying tenants
    living in the darkness under my skin,
    deep enough to poison my heart
    with anger and hatred and despair,
    because the devils that linger
    never pays their rent"

    - Wow, I think we all have dark sides and you worded this well... the self-loathing that might consume us, try to control us. Those "devils" or "demons" that stay around and we can't seem to shake.

    "So when you overwhelmed me
    with your lovingly fierce yawp,
    as you tried to clear my building,
    I was happy for the first time in years"

    - I love your structure in this, how you consistently keep with the theme, if you call it that, and your wording with "yawp", which I hadn't heard before. This made me imagine this person is someone who entered your life with confidence and you welcomed them, letting them speak for you perhaps.

    "You even tried to build guns
    out of the suffering I vomit,
    so that you could let the words
    of comfort and love hail"

    - Such strong images in this.... like all this person has tried to make something strong to defend you, or to use as a defense against the pain, darkness, etc.

    "and maybe let me stand my ground"

    - Also, love how this stood alone! Like this person noticed you need to be strong on your own first, stand up with your voice and no one else's.

    "But the demons
    still play my ribcage
    like a violin with
    their fingernails

    and unlike you,
    they never left "

    - Powerful, haunting ending. I can hear that screech of the violin too. This resonates with me as I believe we all have demons to fight, temptations, etc. We can conquer them, though it may be a daily battle to believe our self-worth or our dignity. The ending lines did make me sad... it also wasn't quite what I was expecting. I first assumed this person would be the one taking advantage of you, but it's like they were so different, maybe that's why they could not stay? Or it reminded me of the fact when someone can't help another person, because they must first help themselves get back up to a good place.

    Emotional piece, well-written.