Comments : Rage out of me.

  • 9 years ago

    by Greeter

    Oh I knew it! This poem had your style.

    Though in this one, it has drama. Or may be, I didn't noticed it on other of your poems. However, I liked it. I am having a hard time deciphering the main emotion. I'm not sure if what I feel out of the poem is sadness or something different. I'm also not thinking logical today. So I'm just going to write whatever comes to mind. Sorry if it comes out like nonsense.

    my veins
    terrestrial planets that orbit you like
    a screaming disco ball

    ^ This line created a funny image in my head. I'm trying to picture your veins like a screaming disco ball though when I think of a disco ball I think either wild or happy. Pretty much what I gather is that your veins yearned for that someone one. They were screaming for that someone. However, I am in a dilemma. I'm not sure what this piece is exactly about. I'm unsure to whom this piece is directed at. Whether is to a feeling? or to a person? That is not too clear.

    The poem is kind of abstract. It has some pretty good lines

    "You tried to love me into another galaxy"
    but I choked on the battleground of reality.
    We were criminals, not of the law, no, of gravity.

    I would have like it if you extended a bit more on the gravity part. If you would have expanded on the gravity and give us more for us to understand how exactly were you criminals of gravity? OF course, to say more without actually saying it.

    I feel this piece with some edits to achieve clarity would make a better poem.