Hey, long story short have been doing SI(self injury) for quite a while now, quite much have done anything one could think of, burning, cutting, starving, punching steel, fracturing my own bones and so on. Have went bit too far sometimes too ending up unconscious and in really messed state. Been thinking way too much over last year about it all, still I was never able to find a reason to go on or a way to forget things. Been trying too long for someone who doesn`t even wish for my help, been caring too long when she had already gave up on everything, been missing her everyday and every moment when I`m not busy, waste too, since I almost never cross her mind anyway.
Anyway, the thing is that I simply can`t find any more relief in pain, it`s just not enough, can spend entire night destroying myself, but all I feel is only like small spikes of pain 1-3 seconds, after that it`s again numbness. Nothing anymore seems fun or interesting, can`t even keep myself busy, only when working I can stop thinking too much.
Maybe I can finally let it all go now, maybe can finally stop torturing myself in only way I seem possible. Now it`s again like I`m slipping back into apathy. Just can`t seem to find anything what matters anymore, but I think I`m alright with it now. I did try a lot and for long time, well not for myself, but still I did put a lot effort in it to try make things better, even if tiny bit.
Why I even wrote this? I`m not sure, maybe it makes me feel little less lonely, maybe for hope someone might understand, I don`t know, just had to say this to someone and since I got nobody here anymore I didn`t have much options of where to put it.