Damaged.

That's the word I can think of to describe myself. I'm saying this cause I know I've done damage to myself and everyone around me till there's nothing I can do to help myself anymore.

Let's talk about suicide. My first attempt was when I'm 14, I got depressed by school and everyone in it cause most of the time, people were making fun of me, saying bad things about me, looking at me with disgust, so the best thing to do is ignore them, of course. Well it doesn't bother me much, guess I was really good at ignoring people. But deep down inside, it saddened me that I have no one to talk to, no friends, no acquaintances, my mother never have time she always work, my sisters were bullying me and I totally lost in my own thought.

So I swallowed down 75 mixed pills hoping it can drift myself apart from this world, but I failed. I wakeup the next evening feeling dizzy, and I throws up from not eating, so I think I didn't die, but the effect from the pills hits me hard for a few weeks. That was then. My second and third suicide attempts didn't work too, and it's not worth bringing up cause I don't want to remember how I feel at those moment. I never cut myself. I don't want people to look at me and say I was looking for attention by doing so. So when I'm 16, I start doing drugs. Weed is not worth to mention, so let's just say I took drugs that are really strong even for myself to handle, and it's more than 5 types of 'em. Till now, I'm 22. And the bad habits never stops. I took drugs to make the pain of my traumas and few breakups go away, I guess I'm getting used to 'em cause it stopped making my head feeling high, and alcohol, I drank too much till I can't get drunk anymore.. But still, I keep on doing drugs and drinking alcohol though I know it won't do me any better. To me, drugs is like some foreign brand of cigarette that I'm taking everyday, so does alcohol..

Friends? People ignored & isolated me. But fake friends, I got a lot..! Family? Who would've care about my depression when they already said that I'm a burden since I'm a kid and I was better off dead? I don't share with people, but I think it's time I start sharing.. I might need some help. But the question is, when will I learn that doing self-harm isn't good? Does the pain I felt really that strong? Isn't there anything I can do to not damaging myself like this anymore? Can I ever be okay again? Will anyone tell me what should I do? Please?

"I don't want people to look at me and say I was looking for attention by doing so."

^ Re-read your post and tell me what it is that you are doing. I am sorry, but it is rather hypocritical to post this thread mentioning how often you've tried to kill yourself and how shitty your life is by emphasizing how much you damage yourself daily by consuming some sort of drugs (whether alcohol or pills) and then saying you're not trying to get attention.
To me there is nothing wrong with seeking attention, everybody probably does one way or another, some more intensely than others too, but to deny it when you obviously do it, just puts a bad light on you.

I do feel bad that you feel this way and seem to have felt this way for a while, but the only person who can help you is yourself. You obviously realize that this is no good and yet you don't stop. Yeah, maybe you're not able to get through it on your own, but professional help would be the best way to handle it. Especially if you consume alcohol and drugs on a daily basis, you might want to consider rehab too.

Oh and you should keep in mind that if you want true friends, then you too need to be true too... I say that because it is utterly unlikely (if not impossible) to take 75 pills and not have some sort of long lasting damage... One should not mess with this topic and I say that because I know someone who has just recently been in the situation, difference is that she actually did take 14 and was comatose, so yeah a close call... that is why these things aren't so easy on me.

I know I shouldn't have wrote down all this, cause this is just the same as begging for attention.. I just need to let this all out of my chest, P&Q is the only place where no one I know is here..

Sometimes, I just wish everything gets easier.. It's not okay when the rage saddened me for the whole 9 years, and yet no one knows what I'm going through.. It's just pathetic. Or I am the pathetic one! I'm too young to feel this sad, but why does sad is all I can feel everyday?

I know how you feel only im younger i first tryed to kill myself when i was 9 im only 13 almost 14 and i feel hollow and empty everybody says i cut for attention my exbest friend goes around saying that my just a attention seeking whore and she cuts herself as well!

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Thanks, Missy.

Aww cutting myself would have been much pain than damaging myself from the onside.. Guess I've been living all these time wishing I was dead, or maybe I really need to just live with it.. I need time, more time to endure all of this, so one day I can happily erase all my sadness away.. But still, sighhh

Many people suffer from depression due to many factors but self-harm hurts you and all those that truly loves you. I think seeking out positives things and loyal friends will help you to see that you're a wonderful person that deserves to be happy. I hope you are OK...

You need to know that you're still here! Writing to us, telling us your story, and that is a cry for help! You have taken you're first step. Now all you need to do is take one step at a time and smile! Simply smile! And ask for some help at a clinic or hospital. That's what their there for! I have been there, and so has my son. I just thank the lord that I listened to my children, and I heard his plea! He was saved and made it through the long road that lay ahead. It was tough! I will not lie, but baby girl! You're worth it!!! ;) K... My name is Ti. And I care! Ps. If you're still here! That's because you have a job to do here. I found mine finally! And am 49 this coming April. I nearly gave up myself, but always managed to see another day. And for that! I can say that I'm glad that I am. Smile baby girl, you're worth all of it. This is why I am sending you all of my UN-used wishes. For you to do as you wish with them. Always Ti.xo

I love your idea, @Ti5.. And yes, I'm pretty sure I've been better ever since I've been writing and submitting my writing in here. What I love the most is, the feedback they gave to my poems.

I feel, appreciated. Feels like home in here. I bet my life that I am better now ~ so thank you, for everything, and every piece of advice that you guys gave me. :D