Comments : Thine Heart Bleedeth

  • 8 years ago

    by Teria

    "for thee is cold and depressed"
    - The entire first stanza is well written. It captured my attention, BUT ... I don't like this line. I think, in certain ways, it lacks poetic form. 'for thee...' < That's the part I don't like. I think that it's too blunt for the rest of the poem. 'Thee' can either be beautiful or ugly. OR 'cold and depressed'. I think that's quite blunt as well. Maybe you could somehow change one or the other? I realize that 'for thee' goes with the setting of the poem, so maybe you could come up with a poetic way to describe 'cold and depressed'. A way that's old fashioned, yet grabs the readers attention.

    Other than that one line I adored this poem. I'm not up to date on how poetry such as this (with thine, thee, thy) should be written. I use bits and pieces in my poetry but never have written a full out back in time poem (sorry I don't know the word for it, lol). I find it in a way refreshing, yet at the same time I feel as if I can't completely comment on it considering I don't know how much is too much and how much is little. BUT, I know what seems like too much and what seems like too little. It seems perfectly written, Sherry Lynn. You did a swell job from what I can see.

  • 8 years ago

    by Spirit

    You are correct you did try something different. It works tough, I love the Symbolism and deeper meaning in your poem. Also this poem just capured me in a way, to were I wasn't worried about the (eth) or (ine) or even word use and flow.

    This poem is a true work of what I know to be poetry. The only reaso I can see for not rating or giving this poem a four is for the possible confusion caused by the period you choose to write from.

    THe only critic that I can even think of to possibly mention would be that I don't believe setteth is/was a word.

    Thank you for the read
    :~)Spirit(~:

  • 8 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    Very nice write, I enjoyed the read. I know how hard it is to write like this since I've written 1 or 2 poems in this style. I commend you for trying something new, as I said before it was a nice write. Great for your first try, but I'm sure it can be improved upon with practice, however; I really don't have the knowledge in this area of poetry as much as I'd like to, to give you sound advice but I'll try my best.

    The imagery was outstanding. The flow of the poem was good, but could of been better with some puncuation. I can't stress it enough, puncuation is a big part of making it flow better as well the overall structure (which in your case is good except for the fact you have no puncuation)

    ``````````

    Thine heart hast become of diamonds
    no more a soul alloweth to break through
    thee blood that bleedeth from thy wound-- black
    for thou grieve; continued to corrupt-doomed

    ^^Hast means have, and thine means my, so this line reads, "My heart have become of diamonds" which doesn't make sence since it is plural, I think you meant to use the singular version of have which is "has" but I don't think there is another word in Old English that means has. Therefore, the first line would be, "Thine heart has become of diamonds" unless you meant to use hast in that sense.

    The words: alloweth and bleedeth are in third person where as you are using the words: thine and thy which are in the first person point of view, overall I would've liked to see either one or the other not a mixture.

    Old English is indeed confusing when first learning it, and I myself have much to learn as well, keep up the good work.

    ``````````
    Shalt thou be forever prisoned
    within thine own walls of misery
    can ye not findeth a way
    to somehow set thee free

    ^^Going back to what I was saying before, shalt means shall which is in second person, however; I forgot to mention above although these are all different point of views it is still okay to use due to the fact that they are all singular and not plural. So all in all it is fine the way you are using these words, but like I did say above it is strange to read a poem that has more than one point of view, but then again in Old English it seems to work.

    ``````````
    Release thy guilt from thine own soul
    comfort and peace wilt then be bestowed
    binding thy evils from haunting thine every move
    toils no more; thy feet and shackles now becometh twain

    ^^Dark filled stanza which was nicely worded, usually I don't like poems that involve dark natured things within it, however; this stanza seemed to pull me away form that mentality. Great Job!!!

    ``````````
    Thine heart shalt then be as clay
    alloweth to bend and mold-blessed plight endeared
    thine own blood shalt then bleedeth red
    boasting thy passion and love whence forth

    ^^Interesting last stanza, which seemed to end the poem in a nice way, it really put the rest of the poem together as one with this simple yet complex ending. I really liked it.

    ``````````

    Excellent write, keep up the great work. Old English is hard to learn and even harder to master, but don't give up. I myself have a lot to learn and much more practice. I hope everything I said was correct, if not please let me know I'd love to be corrected since I am still in the learning phase myself.

    Peace, Joe

  • 8 years ago

    by Cotton Candy Clouds

    Thine heart hast become of diamonds
    no more a soul alloweth to break through
    thee blood that bleedeth from thy wound-- black
    for thou grieve; continued to corrupt-doomed
    ^^ you use very sophisticated powerful language! it reminded me of like the Shakespeare pieces i have written which is a huge compliment : ) Even though it was worded beautifully it was still emotional and sad : / The words you chose worked amazingly together

    Shalt thou be forever prisoned
    within thine own walls of misery
    can ye not findeth a way
    to somehow set thee free
    ^^ old english is so touching and refreshing to read ! About this the only thing that threw me off was i expected it to be as long as the first stanza the flow was thrown off an little due to that structural interruption maybe add a little more to each line here i honestly think that they do a phenomenal job the way they are but it threw the flow off for me....just a suggestion though!

    Release thy guilt from thine own soul
    comfort and peace wilt then be bestowed
    binding thy evils from haunting thine every move
    toils no more; thy feet and shackles now becometh twain
    ^^ i loved the third line! i adore this stanza actually it was powerful and in depth for me it was like being bound by agonizing memories that are there just to toy with your emotions...very very very beautiful wording that goes for the whole poem so far !

    Thine heart shalt then be as clay
    alloweth to bend and mold-blessed plight endeared
    thine own blood shalt then bleedeth red
    boasting thy passion and love whence forth
    ^^some personification here : ) i love when people use the literary elements in effective non cliche ways I think you did a great job of wrapping up the poem here i did not feel empty at all you gave the reader everything they wanted the message was a sad though

    I think many people can relate to this piece. I was thinking about one of my past relationships the whole time i was reading it! the only thing i would change is the length of the stanza's i just think they should be relatively equivalent ! the wording was stunning though : ) 5/5 great job!

  • 8 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    Thine heart hast become of diamonds
    no more a soul alloweth to break through
    thee blood that bleedeth from thy wound-- black
    for thou grieve; continued to corrupt-doomed

    In every poets heart there is a soft spot and a lighter healing side but I really can appreciate a spilling of honest human emotion
    I have read things from contemplative writers that placed themselves in the human condition such as what it takes to survive

    Shalt thou be forever prisoned
    within thine own walls of misery
    can ye not findeth a way
    to somehow set thee free

    I could only think of this line from Dylan to express how I am blown away by this poem
    She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
    "I thought you'd never say hello," she said
    "You look like the silent type."
    Then she opened up a book of poems
    And handed it to me
    Written by an Italian poet
    From the thirteenth century.
    And every one of them words rang true
    And glowed like burnin' coal
    Pourin' off of every page
    Like it was written in my soul from me to you,
    Tangled up in blue.

    Release thy guilt from thine own soul
    comfort and peace wilt then be bestowed
    binding thy evils from haunting thine every move
    toils no more; thy feet and shackles now becometh twain
    I am afraid your depth could be wasted on the shallow critics of this siite

    Thine heart shalt then be as clay
    alloweth to bend and mold-blessed plight endeared
    thine own blood shalt then bleedeth red
    boasting thy passion and love whence forth

    Here you are graced by the almighty with a healthy dose of mystical reality

    I am going to add this masterpiece to my favorites

  • 8 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    "Thine heart hast become of diamonds
    no more a soul alloweth to break through
    thee blood that bleedeth from thy wound-- black
    for thou grieve; continued to corrupt-doomed"
    `I'm really liking how you are using the Shakespearen language, you don't see many poems around here that use it, for it's another language and not many people are brave enough to use it.. but I'm glad that you did.. its unique and interesting. I thought this first stanza was very well written, however, I would have almost liked to see you use more puncuation, not that there isnt a nice smooth flow already, but puncuation always adds to a poem and does improve the flow if you insert the correct puncuation, just a thought. Your flow is flawless though, great work.

    "Shalt thou be forever prisoned
    within thine own walls of misery"
    `These two lines were perfectly worded. In fact, I found them to be quite original. I loved how when you do actually think of someone being in a prison, they are enclosed within walls, and here youve used that idea to a new nevel. You're "forever prisioned within these walls of misery." Perfectly used, when I think of this I think of someone in a tight space, and its like they can't escape because they are surrounded by so much, in this case misery of a broken heart.

    "can ye not findeth a way
    to somehow set thee free"
    `When I read this, I was almost tempted to think maybe a question mark is needed after free, it is a question afterall, but maybe that wouldn't be as poetic as I think.. its up to you, just something I observed.

    "Thine heart shalt then be as clay
    alloweth to bend and mold-blessed plight endeared"
    `Every single word is just inserted perfectly, I love the language you are using and the words.. they all fit together like puzzle pieces. What a great selection of words you have for this piece.

    "thine own blood shalt then bleedeth red
    boasting thy passion and love whence forth"
    `This almost gives the reader hope, the heart no longer bleeds black, but red. The passion to love is still there.

    Well done.
    This piece was a masterpiece,
    without a doubt.. flawless write.
    One of my favorites in a long time.

    5/5.

  • 8 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Thine heart hast become of diamonds
    no more a soul alloweth to break through
    thee blood that bleedeth from thy wound-- black
    for thou grieve; continued to corrupt-doomed"

    I really adored how you wrote it differently, like the Shakespearen language. It definetly caught my eye, and made this piece more deep and meaningful. Great wording and emotion here, really does bring my heart and soul into this poem.

    "Shalt thou be forever prisoned
    within thine own walls of misery
    can ye not findeth a way
    to somehow set thee free"

    Flawless wording, this is very entrancing to read! Very straightforward...

    "Release thy guilt from thine own soul
    comfort and peace wilt then be bestowed
    binding thy evils from haunting thine every move
    toils no more; thy feet and shackles now becometh twain"

    A real masterpiece, this really just is mind-blowing, you have such talent, and you have shown it a hundred times witht this poem, wow!

    "Thine heart shalt then be as clay
    alloweth to bend and mold-blessed plight endeared
    thine own blood shalt then bleedeth red
    boasting thy passion and love whence forth"

    Great ending, nice personification, and it really sums everything up perfectly. A truly remarkable read, thanks for posting it. :) 5/5 from me, take care and keep writing, always and forever...

  • 8 years ago

    by AngelicDecadence

    The first stanza was amazing and flawless, the Old English was simply fantastic. I always love reading poetry as such.

    "Shalt thou be forever prisoned"
    Hmm.. I understand that when writing in Old English you have a need for some things to be "mis-spelled" but, here, I believe you might want to consider changing "prisoned" to "imprisoned".

    Ah. The third stanza gave great advice, it is true, that if people were to forgive themselves, or at least accept that they will not always do the right thing, they will be happier, and "shackles" will be removed from their body and soul.

    Oh my. Wow. This last stanza truly tied it all together, amazing ending.

  • 8 years ago

    by Cindy

    Congrats on your win Sherry :)
    Great job!
    Take Care
    Cindy

  • 8 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Congratulations on the win! Very much deserved, take care....

  • 8 years ago

    by Nobodys Hero

    First of all this is the first time I have read a poem on here written in old english, I know that it's a challenging thing to do but I think you wrote this piece very well =]
    Every now and then the flow was thrown off a little but overall I found it a very good read It's a unique write which deserved the win for the effort you put into it ^^

    If I were to choose my favourite line it would be 'boasting thy passion and love whence forth' , The reason why is because out of all of the stanzas I personally found this one to be structured better in the way you presented the wording. Overall this poem is great and it was really nice to come across something different =]

  • 8 years ago

    by debbylyn

    Congrats on the win!

  • 8 years ago

    by capturedelight

    I love old english and you brought it to present time beautifully. I wish more would write this way, keep it up!

  • 8 years ago

    by Gizmo

    Honestly i don't like the old style lanuage i think it gets overrated because some of the best poets wrote like that..but how can we produce great poetry now, when we are coping the older ones. sorry if it sounds harsh it's just how i feel.

    when you take out all that jibberish (i no its not really jibberish) the poem is really well written. it probally took you qute a long time to write this so i will give you cred it for the work that you put into this write and as it was your first try..i think you done a brilliant job. :)

    i think thats all i can really say on this poem

  • Good work you know how to do a good job keep it up

  • 8 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    Release thy guilt from thine own soul
    comfort and peace wilt then be bestowed
    binding thy evils from haunting thine every move
    toils no more; thy feet and shackles now becometh twain

    ^^

    Most beautiful stanza in the poem for me. It was a little difficult to read for this Dutch girl, but what a lovely poem it is. No wonder it won the contest!

    Great read, I am glad I came across it:)

    Take care,

    5/5 Ingrid

  • 7 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    Ah..you got comments longer than the poem it self ..so Let me be short, I never came across your latest poems, cause I chose certain categories b4 ...but I regret not reading this.

    Congratulations (late)! and well deserved you know..this poem reminded me of Robert frost..and reminded me Shakespeare ..not only due to the old word choice..nopes!
    but cause of the structure it self..very strong..and the wording is very professional.

    5/5 keep the gd work/hope you write again new poems

  • 6 years ago

    by Decayed

    Great one :D

  • 6 years ago

    by rachael

    "Thine heart hast become of diamonds
    no more a soul alloweth to break through
    thee blood that bleedeth from thy wound-- black
    for thou grieve; continued to corrupt-doomed"

    **I know this is redundant, you've already received fantastic praise, and suggestions to fix the tiny Old Eng. grammar issues. I would like to say that Old Eng. is notoriously difficult to use to write poetry, nut your piece is brilliantly done and managed quite well to navigate your core message without allowing the difficulty of the language bog you down. VERY well done!***

    Now, I read the top posts about how to fix some of those hast/hath thine/thee/thou issues, and my own suggestion would be to alter the first line to say "Thine heart hath been remade (or some other past tense reference to being forged again) in diamonds" . You could actually substitute "hath: for "hast" without changing anything else, it just seems to me that it would flow a bit better. Just my opinion.

    The third line should be "Thine" instead of "thee", and the fourth line...I can't be sure, but I think you need to add "doest" so the line would read "For thou doest grieve..", or change "thou" to "Thy".

    Others have commented and suggested what others I might have and I don't want to overwhelm you with criticisms when I intended to give you much praise for your amazing stab at the very difficult task of recreating a dead (version of) language to use in your work.

  • 6 years ago

    by Joseph Boadi

    The use of demotic english makes this piece clasic and authentic.its a perfect piece