*This is mainly about what roads I could've taken and how would've it affected my life today, and well it sort of speaks for it's self. It may not make a whole bunch of sense, so if it doesn't, feel free to message me and I'll tell you more of the poem. Thank & Enjoy! =]
- Please; who ever reads this, please comment and vote. I'd appreciate it!
I've been down and back on this battered old road;
I don't want to return there again
I've lost my pride and courage
Even when I saw the dangers I would encounter
I kept walking, risking the fall in the end.
Here I am again, crying in the same old bedroom;
I've felt lost in for years on end
I've cried so hard and my words speak to the air
Yet my bed is the only thing that listens
Comforting is long gone, pain is here now.
My body is long pass warranty;
For the suns it has seen rise, and the moons fall
For sixteen years, its been dreaming
Of a homecoming to a new place
A new face.
I dwell upon the past;
Playing different scenario's in my head
If I played a different one, would've he stayed,
Where would I be today,
If only I took a different road to today.
I'm dying inside, my heart is barely beating;
Waiting and hoping to see the next day rise with the sun
And the next moon to born into the night,
Wondering if the day will set and fall
Just for me.
I look into a mirror and see a girl;
Beaten and abused to the point where
She no longer stands proudly as she once did,
But may I ask you a question before I go
Do you see how broken I am inside?
*changes have been made; thanks for the advice : simplyfrigid :.
Great job, your emotions were vividly portrayed in this piece and you kept the word choice simple. I think that Simplyfrigid provided some great suggestions.. I thought it was unique how this was written in a letter form. Otherwise, great job.. not much I could see wrong with this.
"I've been down and back on this battered old road;
I don't want to go back down there again,"
[I've been down and back on this battered old road;
I don't want to return there again.]
- There are many ways, including mine, that you could change these to lines to sound better. The main problem between the two is the very, very close connection with the word 'back'. There's many words that can replace the word in one line or the other and still have the lines be an amazing beginning.
"I've lost my pride and my courage,"
- This line is parallellicly (I don't think that's a word?) correct. But, I still don't like it. For a essay/short story/prose, so on this would be just dandy. But, it doesn't seem poetic. I'd suggest doing something like;
[I've lost my pride and courage,]
[I've lost my pride, lost my courage,]
"I kept walking, risking the walk and the fall."
- Once again yu're making close connections with words; walking, walk. Maybe replace one with another word or rewrite it somehow, it takes away from the poem, a lot.
"Here I am again, crying in the same old bedroom,
I've felt lost in for years on end,
I've cried so hard and my words speak to the air,
Yet my bed is the only thing that listens,
Comforting is long gone, pain is here now."
- These lines lack nothing, in my opinion. The desperation yet a bit of hope ( in an odd way) is emotionally set within these few lines. You've done a swell job of explaining yourself here.
"My body is long pass warranty,
For the suns it has seen rise, and the moon fall,"
[My body is long pass warranty,
For the suns it has seen rise, the moon falls]
- Your way with and is just fine, if you don't feel the need to change it. Which isn't really a need, just a tiny suggestion that doesn't really make a difference, I just fancy it that way. BUT, if you choose to keep it the original way, you still need to add an S to fall in order to keep it all plural. Great lines, by the way. I adore them. Good, vivid imagery.
"Where would I be today,
If only I took a different road to today."
- This is an example of close connections gone good. Though I still think it's a bit of an overuse you still did a good job with the close connections here. It doesn't hurt the poem whatsoever. And, it actually sounds catchy (;
"I'm dying inside, my heart is barely beating,
Waiting and hoping to see the next day rise with the sun,
And the next moon be born into the night,
Wondering if the day will set and fall,
Just for me."
- Love these lines, amazingly written. One suggestion 'the next moon be born', I think should say 'the next moon to be born'. Just sounds better to me.
"Beaten and abused to the point where,
She no longer stands proudly as she once did,"
- There is absolutely no need for the comma after where. I was going to mention that through-out the poem. You should go through and take out un-needed commas. Remember: At the end of every line there is a pause, for a longer pause add a comma or period, or any kind of punctuation mark that fits, but do NOT over use these!
Though it may seem as if I was a bit harsh on your poem, I enjoyed it. The letter formation of it is something I fancy quite a deal, it seems as if you did it cliche(ly) yet uniquely enough for it to be your own. Cliche isn't bad, people must realize that. AS LONG AS it is your own poem and not anothers with a few words changed.
You have done a really good job writing this poem. The emotional boundries portrayed are quite relatable and the imagery is amazingly vivid in most spots.