Comments : His Wooden Girl

  • 5 years ago

    by Melpomene

    Congrats on your THIRD place Jane ;) Very deserving. Just copying my comment from Britt's contest.

    "This poem related best to the image with a 'what you see is what you get' approach however you made it your own by introducing some of your own creative ideas. I was extremely fond of the quoted lines of the last stanza, the concept here was lovely, the way the guitar and her music dies without his hands to play it or without his soul to create it. I actually prefer the line from your first poem within this piece, here you incorporated it better with your ideas and the comparison of the eyes to summer wheat and dandelions formed some lovely imagery. The idea of comparing him to a hawk was different but to keep with the theme I personally would of said "I sense she is the prey of a daydream;" instead of victim as it keeps with the idea that he is using her (the guitar) for relief from what is bothering his mind and his heart. I took the guitar as an overall metaphor for a female, when you mentioned "she his wooden girl" I came to the idea that she was doing as he asked, not thinking for herself and being played over and over to make himself feel better."

    -Mel

  • 5 years ago

    by Decayed

    This have to be my favorite poem in the contest, amazingly written!
    I like how you've blown life in the guitar... I love guitars, and I liked this more and more. The ending got me going, too... I like the breaks in the ending. It felt awesome.
    wonderful

  • 5 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    Jane, I loved this when I first read it, and I'm adding it to my favourites so I can come back and read it again,

    Its so original, and I love how the guitar was personified as being the man's girl, it's such a beautiful instrument, and can mean so much spiritually, I loved the wording and the poem content, which was just as outstanding the second read through.

    I practically fell in love with the uniqueness of this and just those amazing words,

    Congrats on third place,
    well deserved,

    Love
    xxxx

  • 5 years ago

    by Britt

    The way you took the same line and the second prompt and turned something so awesome out of it is beyond me. Your title is really creative, it made me have to read into it more.

    Your imagery with "summer wheat and dandelion" to show the idea of gold you were talking of was beautiful. Summer wheat does have that particular shade, and it just brought beautiful images to mind.

    The third stanza is probably my favorite, though I'm not fond of the layout. The last line in this stanza to me feels too long, perhaps a line break somewhere would give it a natural pause. But as for words/images sake, I thought this was the strongest, or at least the one I was most drawn to. I like the idea of "canopy of his arms", definitely a shelter of safety.

    The ending with the bit in quotations was beautiful as well. So very creative.. ohh Jane. Love this poem.

  • 5 years ago

    by A lonely soul

    Jane: I interpret this lovely poem very differently.
    It seems to be conveying a sad story from a jilted lovers confused point of view, a tale of love gone awry.

    The story here is that the "hawk faced/eyed" lover betrayed his loved one and chose another.

    The first 3 stanza's beautifully convey the imagination of an ex-love, where she imagines her ex- as a hawk who has gone on to prey on another. The deceit by an ex- who is depicted here as "hawk eyed" (=golden with superlative comparisons using summer wheat and dandelions) and "honey lips", metaphorically describing the character of this individual: a shrude (hawk-like), sweet talking (honey lipped) person, who has this new "prey" completely mesmerized by his charms (she falls drunk as a fool in spells of her own acoustic chords - could it be"his" as in Britt's Picture prompt for the poem in the contest?)

    The 4th stanza alludes to the jilted lovers (unfortunate) feelings after overhearing that they are now "engaged". The usage of "queer" in here brought a little smile to my lips, but yes I can fully understand that it is used in the traditional sense to describe "odd or unconventional" and not the as the modern slang. I also loved the way how you used "no hardship" in an opposite sense to denote the true "hardship" of feelings when imagining the ex-in someone else's arms.
    The last stanza is simply WOW! the way you perceive the new relationship of this ex- by throwing in a flurry of metaphors:
    "He the hawk" = a preying bird, that you perceive in this "incoherent blindness" (=confused disbelief) and she
    "his wooden girl" (= peasant, simple girl, a metaphor from the matryoshka doll, a Russian wooden nesting doll) who is mesmerized by his "strumming" (= guitar playing or sweetness), who dies in his absence, but feels like she is amongst the stars (pieces of stardust), when he is around, sweet talking to her.

    A Jane masterpiece, and a winner in the book of sad love stories.

    LATE EDIT: Congrats on the Win. Those damned judges must be biased. One of them even stole a part of my comment and claimed it as his!

  • 5 years ago

    by silvershoes

    Thank you for the comments, guys, unfortunately I didn't see them until now. The conversation on the main forums made me think I should check to see if there were any comments left. And aha! There were :)

    I would have praised the comments myself to show my appreciation for them, but hopefully a thank you will do the job.

    Lonely Soul, your interpretation is incredibly insightful and in depth. You hit the mark in some ways, though I admit, I'm not always as metaphorical as you might think.

    Thanks again!

  • 5 years ago

    by Decayed

    My Favorite Poem won!! :)

    what a pleasure to the eye!

  • 5 years ago

    by Christina

    This is absolutely AMAZING. Left me with chills. Thank you!

  • 5 years ago

    by Leanne

    This poem is amazing, i adore it

  • 5 years ago

    by John Dlyan Boone BABY

    Such a flawless work great work keep it up

  • 5 years ago

    by StevenSilvernail

    What a way with words I like it a lote.

  • 5 years ago

    by Yakori bint Muhammed

    I'm speechless at this amazingly written piece of poetry. Beguiling and flows like the river. Exquisite, i'm besieged. Stay blessed.

  • 5 years ago

    by Yakori bint Muhammed

    I'm speechless at this amazingly written piece of poetry. Beguiling and flows like the river. Exquisite, i'm besieged. Stay blessed.

  • 5 years ago

    by A lonely soul

    Easily the top poem of the week, to my read. This one comes out as a very deep and a sad, heart ripping write, from the view point of one who is betrayed. The poet so calmly reflects on the jilted characters disbelief on the sudden chain of events, that it draws a most heartfelt sympathy from the reader. The poets choice of words and simile's using the term "hawk faced" to depict the betrayer not only as a hawk-eyed with mesmerizing golden-eyes (eyes more golden than summer wheat and dandelions) but also a matching hawkish character, shrude (cunning), when devouring its prey, at its most vulnerable time, is skillfully displayed and draws in the readers imagination and sympathy. The inner feeling (it's no hardship to grasp the heat that flows between them, reverberating in perfect harmony) seems so well portrayed here, with more than subliminal candid frankness, using a creative imagination:

    I do not know if while resting in the canopy of his arms,
    gazing up at his winded cheeks like
    tall drinks of cool whisky on a swollen day,
    she falls drunk as a fool in spells of her own acoustic chords.

    ^The metaphor using a spell binding captivating acoustic stringing to depict the drunken stupor of a gal in love, depicted here is unique, but I would have imagined "her" to be "him" in the last line above.

    The last stanza is a metaphorical masterpiece, and is what motivated me to select this one as my week's winner. Since, I cannot outshine A Lonely Soul's interpretation here (Goddamn him! He plagiarized my thoughts), I am forced to re-quote part of his comment (these were supposed to be mine):

    "He the hawk" = a preying bird, that you perceive in this "incoherent blindness" (=confused disbelief) and she
    "his wooden girl" (= peasant, simple girl, a metaphor from the matryoshka doll, a Russian wooden nesting doll) who is mesmerized by his "strumming" (= guitar playing or sweetness), who dies in his absence, but feels like she is amongst the stars (pieces of stardust), when he is around, sweet talking to her.

    It is indeed a Jane classic, loaded with her "strummings" and reverberating sad acoustics in a master play of emotions. But, I have hope for the character in this beautiful verse, mauled by a hawk and left for dead, to find a true love some day, for as long as she has some love left in the heart, she should be one day, be able to find a better string player to heal and play her cardiac chords, with truer and more skillful "strummings." (10 points)

    (Judging comment 1-22-12)