Two meetings, one confused heart.

by Poet on the Piano   Feb 5, 2016


6 PM

He said he values me and the
ministry I do. Closing the door
then facing him, I said "I learned
from you that a problem shared
is a problem half-solved."
I told him about how I love you,
how the hurt doesn't fade away
forever, but he said it would.
My trust in God is still present
and I certainly believe I'm
not meant to be yours as
God didn't will it, yet that doesn't
explain away the consequences
of seeing you multiple times
a week at a place that should
enlighten people with rejoicing
instead of taunting the heart's
tolerance for pain.

He said again and again,
"Let it go."
Three words I know I am
trying to tuck into my soul,
train my brain to understand.

But something has to change.
And do I believe that the feelings
will go away simply with time?
No, I don't.
Because there are stories of
love that simply can't be shared,
but are still written and able
to be traced in the path of history.

~

8 PM

If you think I'm going to apologize,
you're dead wrong. I've done enough
of that to fill up encyclopedias.
I don't owe that to you anymore.
You know why
I barely looked into your eyes.
You know why
I tugged at the sleeves of my sweater.
You know why
I clawed at my neck and rubbed my throat.
You know that
I can't just let you into my life again
as if our friendship was never tainted.

I need to do something.

And call me a coward for wanting
to leave, but we're here stuck here
waiting, waging a war that just can't be won.

I'm not going to keep washing my soul
then twisting it and leaving it to dry.
Because I can only wear a mask of
ignorance for so long before I grow
weary and my hands clench to break
the reality I've sworn into secrecy.

I'm going soon, to better me, convinced
that it's not running away if I no longer
fear the darkness of a misplaced love.

-

A poem written not in anger, but frustration at the situation. There's honestly no one to blame, I'm just trying to process things now before I make decisions.

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Latest Comments

  • 9 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    OMG! I can relate to this so much and has the same meaning/tone and feelings like my latest work does.

    enlighten people with rejoicing
    instead of taunting the heart's
    tolerance for pain.

    - your contrast here is amazingly worded. and such a powerful line that really stands out. You can really feel the emotion of hurt here.

    He said again and again,
    "Let it go."
    Three words I know I am
    trying to tuck into my soul,
    train my brain to understand.

    - I think this part is so important, you know the answer is to let it go, and although the three words may be small, the act of doing so is far from small. I like how you mentioned the training of the brain - again something not easy to do, and we fall back on staying stuck, because letting go is too hard, even if no one is moving forward!

    I've done enough
    of that to fill up encyclopedias.

    - again, another great metaphor to show the large amount of times you have apologised over and over again, for reasons that you probably can't even find, but it becomes a habit of safety to say sorry.
    I like the change of tone that follows here, by stating that you do not owe them that apology any more!

    You know that
    I can't just let you into my life again
    as if our friendship was never tainted.

    - I think this is the whole point of your poem really, and what I have been saying in my work. It is not easy moving on, especially when they bond has been something so strong or special, but when it has been tainted, it is such a devastating feeling to know it will never be the same again.

    And call me a coward for wanting
    to leave, but we're here stuck here
    waiting, waging a war that just can't be won.

    - this stanza also backs up what I just said about your point - it is a war that you feel is worth fighting for because the person still means something to you - but that it is a pointless war because you know you will never get what you want.

    Excellent way to teh end the poem, trying to convince yourself that it is the right thing to do in leaving, but not for ayone else's sake, but for your own. So that you can better yourself and know that you deserve better than something that leaves you hanging in this situation.

    Love how you bring your faith into this, and the title too.

    Loving the whole thing !

    Glued to your work right now!

  • 9 years ago

    by Ingrid

    MaryAnne,

    some feelings are universal and timeless, ageless, even.
    Honey, all I can tell you is to follow your heart and never let your mind tell you what to do. When you feel you are chocking on the pain, then realize this too shall pass. Take a long walk, visit a good friend and cry your eyeballs out, but don't stay in the relationship when your feelings tell you that you should move on. Over time, the hurt will heal.

    You are better than that, dear girl. Look around, the world is waiting<3

    Big hug,

    Ingrid x

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