Comments : Failures (Senryu Triplet)

  • 1 year ago

    by Em

    Hi a very strong triple senryu which is written well not that I'd expect anything less from you :)

    I can't help but fail.
    Nothing can prepare you for
    defeat's bitter taste.
    ^^
    A very strong opening and we all believe we will fail, the hardest part is believing in ourselves thus not failing or at least trying and if we do fail then picking ourselves up brushing ourselves off and trying again until we succeed.

    I look in your eyes
    and I expect no pardon,
    for success is earned.
    ^^
    I like this part because being with someone you love (I expect it is looking into their eyes) will help you succeed but as you state success is earned by ourselves and nobody else buy the ones we love can help in our success by helping us believe in ourselves.

    One day, I will earn
    the look of pride in your eyes:
    I'll fail at failing.
    ^^
    Very powerful ending because when success is earned you will also earn pride in their eyes but I believe that if someone truly loves you, they will be proud no matter what but you being successful in what you want to do will make hem proud as you never gave up.
    A great, insightful and powerful write with a deep message nonetheless.
    Em

    • 1 year ago

      by IdTakeABulletForYou

      I'm glad you like it! Without you, this poem would not exist! :-) It's very difficult to make such few words into something that is powerful, and it's a challenge that I really enjoyed. I did cheat a little bit by tripling my word count by making it a triplet; however, I will need to work a bit more to make something as poignant as your piece with just 17 syllables!

      Thank you very much for checking my poem out, once again!

      -IdTakeABulletForYou

  • 1 year ago

    by Em

    You're most welcome. I'm glad I inspired you to write something especially as it's so great. I can never write the triples because I always run out of ideas. :)

  • 1 year ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Hello Stephen

    Wonderful senryu string here which isn't easy to achieve - for me, anyway!
    As pessimistic as the tone is throughout the first two, I do like the optimistic ring of the third one, especially the final line "I will fail at failing" - great stuff.
    The only gripe I have is the "earned" and "earn" in such close proximity to each other although I couldn't really see another option. Maybe "One day I will see the ...."

    Anyway, this is a great write and one I enjoyed multiple times.

    Take care and all the best,
    Ben

    • 1 year ago

      by IdTakeABulletForYou

      Yes, that redundancy is something that I noticed as well and lingered on my first few times counting and editing through the triplet. I was actually going to post a second copy, each with two different versions of that line, below the main one but I ended up just sucking it up and hoping the redundancy didn't ruin the poem. I will think of what I want to do, whilst also taking your suggestion into account!

      Thank you very much for the comment! :)

    • 1 year ago

      by IdTakeABulletForYou

      Oh yes, the alternative verse I was going to do for the center was:

      I look in your eyes
      and I expect no pardon,
      for I have failed you.

      I felt fail, at that moment, would have been a bit redundant and the center verse was a reprieve from the word. What do you think?

      Decided to change it to that!

      Old verse:
      I look in your eyes
      and I expect no pardon,
      for success is earned.

  • 1 year ago

    by deeplydesturbed

    I cant help but read and re-red this.
    I like it. It sticks in my head and it took me back to all the times I have failed and made the same mistake over and over..

    Thank you, for putting it into words..

    • 1 year ago

      by IdTakeABulletForYou

      Your words move me! I used to do that with some of Emily D_ckinson's poems; I'd get lost discerning what in her life could have caused her to write some of her pieces. I definitely appreciate that you took the time to read it more than once. I actually re-read it after you wrote your comment and changed a line (once again), and I feel like I made it better. Even at one's best, one can always be better -- I think the same goes for failure! I have no doubts that your mistakes have shaped you into the unique and insightful poet that you are, and thank you for unknowingly inspiring me :)

      V/r
      IdTakeABulletForYou

  • 1 year ago

    by deeplydesturbed

    I dont know how to reply to a comment, but your welcome. And thank you for your encouraging words. :)

  • 1 year ago

    by hiraeth

    "I can't help but fail.
    Nothing can prepare you for
    defeat's bitter taste."

    Well first let me preface this with the comment that all of the poems are true to the nature of senryu's; touching on human foibles and this is probably one of the best embodiment of the senryu I've seen in a while. I do have a bit of an issue with 'defeat's bitter taste' since it is a bit cliche. Don't get me wrong, it still works, but since senryu's are limited in nature utilizing a cliche seems to be a bit lazy, perhaps 'this embarrassment' (even that sounds eh)' or something a bit more unique? Just a thought. :)

    The second stanza serves as the bridge between the first and the last, and does a great job at it.

    "One day, I will earn
    the look of pride in your eyes:
    I'll fail at failing."

    The last verse is also a bit cliche, but in this case it totally works here, unifying all of the senryu's in theme here. Really enjoyed this chain senryu!

  • 1 year ago

    by Poetess

    I love senryu and haiku poetry. I think I've only ever written one once and I just can't anymore. I need a lot more than 17 syllables, lol.

    Can't say anything that hasn't been said. Thank you for sharing this!

    • 1 year ago

      by IdTakeABulletForYou

      Yes, it is particularly difficult to a) not be generic and cliché (as Senryu posted in his comment) with only 17 syllables and b)make what you say poignant, at the same time. I enjoy challenges, and this senryu was definitely a challenge that I feel I still have to perfect. Glad you enjoyed it, though :)

      V/r
      IdTakeABulletForYou