Grandpa Left Me Here ~ (Bleeding out this broken pen)

Grandpa Left Me Here ~ (bleeding out this broken pen)

Ten
hundred words
pass through my ear
yelling screaming is not
something I want to hear

I cry at night
because of verbal abuse
I cry because of
being worthless and of no use

I am told
I am awful bad names
I am yelled at
for always playing games

I
hate
this fighting
this is why
I am constantly writing
Climbing, falling, and flying.

I want to express
myself
to anyone who once to listen
I want a family
to love me and see my smile glisten

I want someone to love me,
hold me gently,
someone
I can trust!
I need
my life
to be
filled of dreams and lust.

I
want
to
get
out
of
this
dreadful
place
I want to
fix
this
torn up
White lace
And broken red rose,

So I write
To cope with the pain
To keep growing heightened
with this mental stain
Become spiritually enlightened
For God
For You
For the blue-men bruised
For the poor-people strictly used.

As
Golden peace flows
from my mind
Out of my heart's ink-drained body
into my poems and prose
sensitive soul...
to be hope floating up
with the Just!!
Wrongly accused
The Open eyes!
Wide visionaries,
And the
Singing canaries!

To be
A guiding light
of heavenly illumination
For
The Angels still near fear
To fill in
The whole accumulation
Still being silently abused.

I
loved
someone once
but then he died
I loved him
so much
I still
cry
Periods
Of
Rushing
Crimson water

But

I fought hard
Like a flea
My plea
Didn't drown
So I
learned
To twist my frown,
I wouldn't die
I had to try!!

I was
mad at him
I cursed him
for leaving me
with these people
I can not stand!!

I want him
to be present,
I wanted him
To stay
here
Just
to
hold my hand,
This loneliness I currently suffer
Was not ever part of my big plan.

Why did you have to go so soon?
I Keep whispering under my broken breath
I needed you to be my midnight moon
You were perfect light until your untimely death.

So
I
Eventually
got over it
it really
wasn't his fault
that he
had died,
but I loved him
so much!
so I still cried

Red
dripped
Down hard
Falling fast
from my peach cheek,

Every second
Every minute
Every hour
Of
Every day
For
Every weak
Of
Every year
I wished you were still standing here!!!
Lifting me up and taking me away from here!
Chasing my fears away into clarity
Wiping up every single silent falling tear.

I recalled the first time you picked me up
In those scruffy hands of great wisdom
Running into town to sneak burgers
When grandma
was nowhere to be found
We were gay!
out n about
making adventures
and building plans.

I thought
of
all
the
happy moments we spent
Together,
I remembered
all the wonderful places we went
And then
I thought about where you went of to
As you took your very last breathe.
I remembered I was genuinely blessed
You were sent down Holy to me
MY eternity
Our Time
just finally passed by me.

I realized
Whole-heartedly
he continually loved me
He told me again and again
to be Still
even though
he was no longer physically there,
I realized that he had always loved me
and was the only one
Who understood I was only good!
He was the only sun
to ever truly care.

He was
The only essence who Forever will,
He is a neck hair's warm welcoming chill.

And
He is
the flower
in the grass
The brightest smile
of my happiest past!!

the people
I lived with
In sin,
Never let me in,

They
don't
Care
Don't
Love
Don't
See me

if
they
tried
they could,
but they wont
I'm invisible
I'm just my burning soul
Going up in shooting flames!

I have
accepted it!
I'm done trying
This is it!!
Too many blows
Too much fighting
Has left me completely blind, deaf,
and numb to my parents uninviting affection.

they will never love me
the way
he
once
had!
Now
there's
only one way
to make my cold heart glad

I need to
remember to appreciate
Every treasure
Keep them close
Even those
Buried deep
In the silent weeping ground.

I'm
Finally
leaving
these people
to find someone
to love me the way
my grandpa once had
then when I finally find them
my heart will be completely glad!

I
love
you
grandpa
more than
you'll ever know
I will always love
you most of all,
no matter where
you or I
have to go,

Crawling,
Swimming,
Floating up, or flying high
I am still here writing
Faithfully
Dreaming, trying, Escaping.

You
Constantly
kept
me
Feeling
And
Being sane!

Your spirit makes me rise
Their silence makes me fall.
Can you hear my crying tears scream
Can you feel my desperation call.

I
watch
the rain
trickle down
the mirror of yesterday
I have ran out of thought
My life has gone to pot.
My drive to stay alive
is all I still have left
Can I muster a deep breathe?

I miss you
That is all my fears
tell the wild wind...
As I finish this frustration,
Bleeding out this broken pen.

*dedicated to my grandpa Gary

© Miranda Holland