In Her Façade

How are you doing?"

How am I doing ?"
HOW AM I DOING??? Ok. I'll tell you how I'm doing "

I suffer from depression, PTSD, bipolar with psychotic features, generalized anxiety and learning disabilities!
Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. I can't even make simple adult decisions for myself . Panic attacks come regularly and a sense of hopelessness overwhelms me. I feel a lot of grief and anger from being teased and picked on as a child.
And being raped and molested didn't help matters either.
I was shunned from society for being different and unique and not following the status quo.
I was the the girl boys looked over and dismissed in regards of interest. I thought my first love would be the one and he was yet another heartbreaker and he would be a man I would never get over. I thought that I would die in disbelief upon hearing about his death. I live my life throughout the years not reaching my dreams or goals. Because my mental illnesses and disabilities held me back.
And because of this I was deemed unfit mother and my daughter taken out of my custody.
I feel like I'm being punished for this condition I never asked for. I sit around and try to make sense of all of this. And never can find an answer. But there never is a answer just the better emptiness. All I want to do is just cry.
I try to Lighten myself up by speaking positive affirmations over myself in the mirror. But it seems so untrue and fake like I'm telling myself a lie when I try to give myself a little bit of credit. Because when you go through only hearing negative things about yourself, you come to believe that's who you are.
You sit around and you watch everyone else's lives play out the way they planned it their career their family and are able to have a stable lifestyle. While you stand as a spectator. You give up hope that things will get better because every time it seem like it's getting better something comes along and tears happiness away. Maybe it's not everybody's destined to be happy and live a normal life.
I want to the good life live out my career goals get married and have lots of kids and live in the house of my dreams.
No depression, anxiety, PTSD, hopeless, lonely, sad, suicidal, good for nothing, ugly, weird, freak, that will never amount to anything came along and said this will be your life instead.

But I don't tell them any of this whenever someone asked me am I ok. I hide all the darkness and bitterness inside and put a fake smile on my face and tell them......I'm doing just fine.