This is a lovely piece. Very enjoyable. I fear this is going to possibly be perceived as a backhanded compliment, but I think you particularly shine in poems without rhyme. This is full of power and beauty. It is subtle and sensual. There was a wonderful calmness to this piece. A stillness. I instantly began reading it at a slower pace, and I think I'm the happier for it. I particularly thought the second stanza was splendid.
I usually like to give some kind of constructive feedback as well as praise, but in this there is very little for me to say, other than I would've liked one more line in the second to last stanza, but I'm sure there's a specific reason as to why you gave it only two.
Thank you, Brad. It's meant to be read at a slow pace I think, for it to be truly appreciated. I meant that particular stanza to be an emphasis to what is already happening...so two lines only just to make it more sensual...:-) Thanks for checking this out.
1 year ago
Bradley said it best, you can't help but read this at a slow pace, and being able to make the reader do that instantly, is a testament to your writing skills. There isn't much to be said, other than the fact that you nailed this poem, though being tight-lipped (this poem isn't dripping with details) it's still gets its point across. (totally didn't mean for that sentence to be a double-entendre lol). Well done!
I love that you controlled the speed and rhythem at which the poem is conveyed, like slowing time down just enough to witness the subtle strikes of ink onto the body, and you did it with ease. I'll pm you the rest of what I think.
I like the metaphor here. Writing a poem, a love poem is rather like making love. If your heart is not feeling it, the result is evident.
I like the way the verses efficiently deliver this love. I had to smirk at the end. :)
Is the poem perfect? Well, it could be tweaked, added to, but I think this is unecessary. It would be interesting to write it with rhyme, or squeeze it into a strict form. Would it improve, probably not?