Comments : Incredible Ruin, Terrible Feat

  • 9 years ago

    by Dark Savior

    Time erodes on our maple bookshelves,
    Neglected of intimacy with you gone.
    Now nothing makes him tick.

    -Last line is longer than the rest, doesn't hurt the flow too much, just very noticable by the naked eye

    Close by, our alarm sings pointlessly
    While I cradle your unwashed pillow,
    Inhaling moments passed in crimes of passion.

    -Unwashed pillow, there is something about that line. Perhaps "washed in Tears" or "Washed with emotions" something along those lines as the last line is longer than the other two.

    Several feet away, the dusty telephone rings,
    High pitched like the sound of my crying.

    -Like this line, dusty telephone really sets the tone and the setting for it.

    Our machine answers with your tender voice,
    Still reverberating love and happiness
    Through a now lonely and broken palace.

    -Good lines, but nothing overly special, it's a setup in my mind for the rest of the poem.

    With my heart ripping further,
    A salted smile wipes pain across my face,
    Reflecting the thoughts of our almost family

    -Good lines, but once again your first line is much shorter than the others.

    Our room is freckled with spots of sunlight,
    Flying in through the windows, around curtains.
    Its brightness makes me sick.

    -Last line in this one.

    Atmosphere in the house wreaks of stale food:
    Attempts of others to re-institute my appetite.
    I lift my head to spy on the clock, not ticking

    -This is really a good line, it can have many different meanings to each person who reads it.

    Down below, something lurches in my round belly,
    Kicking and turning lively in my womb.

    -There is the twist that happens in my poems. I liked this one.

    Your spontaneous death cocoons my world
    While another life steadily grows within,
    Making me a walking oxymoronic disaster.

    -and a second twist, very nice touch. probably my favorite verse.

    This new found impregnated purpose we shared
    Succinctly grew into each of your morbid fears,
    Until you took your own life, running from the unborn.

    -Made me smile. Very nicely put, as I know this is creativity at it's best. Very wonderful line that shows you many twists.

    It happens gradually, and then,
    Suddenly you're afraid to live.

    -Hmmm, I don't know if I would have ended it here. I would have put this stanza up one and have the closer as your 2nd last Stanza.

    Over all a good read. I enjoyed it and felt that it was really a poem that was full of twists and turns. I would have liked to see you use more metaphores in here. 4/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Roses and lilys

    I really liked this poem. The detail and emotion was great through out the poem. The wording was great, it was almost like I there seeing everything. The flow was good and so was the format. I gave it a 5/5.

  • Close by, our alarm sings pointlessly

    That's a great use of personification.

    My god, if I could make love to this I would.

    When I was reading it I got this old timey, black and white, detective show way of reading it. You know in old detective shows how they always have the guy with his feet propped at his desk, everythings black and white, his hat is down over his eyes, you can only see the black shadow on his face, and he has that cool jazzy voice narrating...then some sexy girl comes in but that's a different story. That's the immediant thing I felt from the way you had everything written. The personification, the imagery, everything was in such a neat way.

    I'm adding this to my favorites, possibly adding you to my favorites, and deffinately nominating this for the weekly contest.

    This was just perfect, and the ending was a surprise, it was great. :D laksjfjfdfj 4 billion out of five...If I could. XD Lol.